Expert: Rev. Robert Woods - 6/13/2009

Question
Dear Pastor,
Thank you so much for making yourself available and for taking the time to read and answer my question. This is about a situation within my church which has myself and others in quite a quandry. You see, I love my church with all my heart. We strive to be a God-centered working body with the single purpose to expand the Kingdom. While our church has been no stanger to attacks of Satan, God has blessed us time and again with sweet unity and a loving spirit. My question to you deals primarily with church discipline as well as the role of our pastor on a rather murky issue. It all started with a young mother in our church who is in the process of a rather nasty divorce. Her husband is by all accounts a scoundrel who responded neither to the pleas of his wife nor counseling by our pastor. He on multiple occasions abused his wife (verbal as well as physical) and cheated on her with multiple women. She now, one and a half years later, raises two children alone with no childsupport and depends greatly on church resources which are given to her freely and gladly. This women is also involved in several ministries within the church in one capacity or another. Enter the problem: she is having diffuculties getting her divorce finalized due to her uncooperative husband. He lives with another women but due to his distaste for supporting his children, has continued to drag the matter out. They are in affect still legally married. The problem is that she has rcently started dating a single man in the church. While not everyone is aware that she is still married there are some of us who are very aware. The great issue here, which has greatly troubled me, is that our pastor..a Godly man, has taken a stance that I would have never expected. He has made the remark that due to her husband "beating and abandoning" her...he does not consider her married and thus seems to be advocation the blooming romance. Now I have no idea how far things have gone, nor do I really want to know, but she has confirmed to me that they are in fact an item. When I heard this I was at a complete loss. Everything I have ever been taught tells me that my pastor's logic is at best flawed. I don't want to be on the wrong side of this...I wish with all my heart that there were no "sides"..unfortunately I fear this will only breed divisivness within our church and it breaks my heart to say so. I would very much value your opinion and any advice you could offer. Thank you!

Answer
Blessings and thank you for your question.

I appreciate your sensitive heart to this matter.  Regardless of the reason, until a couple is totally divorced, they should not be in a new relationship.  Now if two people are just going out to dinner or just enjoying each other's company, you could say that they weren't committing sin.  But if their relationship has become physical, then they are in sin while she is still married. Sex of any kind is reserved for a man and a woman in the bonds of marriage.

She obviously has a "biblical reason" for divorce (infidelity and most likely a non-Christian spouse).  But sin is sin.  

Now remember, there may be more going on than you can see.  Pastors are often given information that is not public.  So you should give him the benefit of the doubt.  He could be counseling with the couple or the woman and may know more specifics about that relationship.  

As a Pastor, it is my job to point out sin.  But it is God's job to discipline and convict sinners.  If God showed everyone our sin, then we too would be embarrassed by the sin we commit.  As a pastor, if I see open sin in the church, then I have to deal with it.  But dealing with it, must be a delicate balance between mercy-grace-restoration.  The goal of church discipline is not to punish someone, the goal is restoration.  If a person is in church leadership and is in unrepentive sin, then it is the job of the pastor to gently remove them with the hope of restoration later.  If a person is just attending church (not leading or teaching), then the Pastor's job is to preach, teach and counsel.

In other words, unless this woman (and man who is dating her) is teaching or leading or leading other to sin, then disciplining her is just going to hurt her and the church.  If she is teaching and leading, then she should be removed from those positions.

If you haven't already, make plans to sit down with your pastor one on one and share your concerns with him.  Maybe he isn't seeing this the right way or maybe the circumstances aren't what they appear.  

If the church is becoming divided over the issue, then tell the pastor.  Often, the pastor is the last one to find out that the problem is as serious as it is.  


In my devotion for today, I was rereading the story of the prodigal son.  If you noticed, when the son returned, the father ran out to meet him, even before he repented.  God loves his children.  He loves this mother more than you can imagine.  The older brother in the story, only pointed out the faults of his younger brother.  The father only knew that his son was lost but now was found.

MOST OF ALL:  PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY.  Pray for God's wisdom and heart on this matter.  Pray for your Pastor, to follow the truth and God's guidance.  

May the Lord Bless You Richly