Expert: Dr Don Howe - 6/26/2009

Question
I was married for 7yrs and have 2 children with my ex husband. He had an affair for the last yr or 2 that we were married, we recently divorced that was his decision. So i have dated some since then and recently met the man of my dreams. His parents however doesnt know that i am divorced nor that i have 2 children. They do not approve so we havent told them anything. I know that we will eventually get married but we dont know how to explain to his parents about everything. Im sure they are loving people but i want them to understant that my ex committed adultry and left by his own choice. I know divorce is not ok but when someone leaves you are you supposed to stay single forever. They are firm believers of the bible i just need some help to break the news. Family is very important to me and i want his parents approval.  Thanks for your help.

Answer
  Susan, thank you for your question. Divorce is a very touchy subject for some people, but in our society today the number of Christians getting divorced is as great as unbelievers. The reasons for this is so vast and many;  it is hard to fathom.
  A biblical divorce is based two reasons  which is adultery and desertion. And your ex-husband has committed both of them. He had an affair which is adultery, and then he deserted you by getting a divorce. Biblically, you are covered on both of these. So please do not worry. You are blessed and highly favored by the Most High God. So it is okay.  
    I will give you all the biblical verses and explanation for both reasons which might help you explain to his parents. I know you want to be sensitive to what his parents believe, but you are too worried about “getting their approval.” Who cares about their approval? Their acceptance of you is more important. You do not need their approval to get married to their son, but their acceptance of you will make your transition into the family so much better. If they love their son, they will accept you if they believe in God’s Word as much as you say they do.
  I hope that you and this man that you want to marry are not sexually active because if you are then both of you are committing fornication which is just as bad as adultery. You and this man  have to stay true to God’s Word also, and be Christians of integrity. We as believers are not to conform to this world but have renewed our minds to do the perfect will of God (Rom. 12:2).

  Susan, God does not command divorce, does not condone divorce, does not condemn because of divorce, but He permits because of the spiritual hardness of man’s heart. And man could not handle the commitment that God placed on men, and they developed a hardness of heart.    
     For you own edification and understanding of how God feels about marriage and divorce. I want to look at Matthew 19:3-12. In Matthew 19:3-12, the Pharisees are trying to trap Jesus about divorce and adultery so they can use it against him. And you can tell the use of the word “tempting” in verse 3. There were two schools of rabbinical thoughts about the Law of divorce. The first school held the only grounds for divorce was immorality (school of Rabbi Shammai). Another school (school of Rabbi Hillel) believed that anything that displeased the husband was sufficient to obtain a divorce. The Pharisees wanted Jesus to take one side or the other to use as evidence against him. Keep in context Jesus is responding to the questions of the Pharisees related to one of these schools of thought about divorce. Jesus states God does not like divorce but permits it because of the hardness of mans heart (this shows God’s grace toward man by His permitting it and also He understood the hardness of man’s heart.
   Matt. 19:3-4 states “The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made [them] at the beginning made them male and female.” Note in verse 3 tells of the intentions and purpose of the Pharisees is to tempt Jesus. Jesus did not want to get involved in the two controversies about divorce but reminded the Pharisees the original purpose of God’s establishing the marriage bond. God made male and female in the beginning. God is the one who joins men and women together in marriage. In this, Jesus asserts God’s “ownership” over marriage; it is God’s institution, not man’s, so His rules apply.
  Matt 19:5-6 states “And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” God ordained marriage as the strongest bond in all human relationships. A man leaves his parents and is joined to his wife. The most permanent relationship in society is not between parent and child, but between husband and wife. The two become one flesh. The basic element in marriage is the covenant between man and woman. Let no mane put asunder, which is chōrizō in the Greek which means to depart, separate, or divide. Let not man separate the two.
Matt. 7-8 states “They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.” Then the Pharisees asked Jesus of why did Moses command to give a writing of divorcement. Command is entellō in the Greek and it means to order, give charge, or command to be done. So Moses gave an order or charge to give a writing of divorce, and to put her away, which in apolyō in Greek which means to set free, let go, depart, or dismiss. When the order for a divorce was given the woman was set free. Note God never commands divorce but permits it.
Moses gave the order for divorce because of the “harness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives.” Suffered you means epitrepō in the Greek which means to permit. So an order of divorce was given because of the hardness of men’s heart permitted to set your wife free or dismiss her. Divorce is never commanded, but permitted by God in certain circumstances, and God permits it because of the hardness of human hearts.
    I dug further and wanted to get a handle on the fact if God permitted divorce because of the hardness of heart, what does that exactly mean? The word hardened is porosis in the Greek which means to make the heart dull, to grow hard, callous, become dull, lose the power of understanding, dulled spiritual perception as in Mar 3:5, or spiritual blindness. Easton’s Bible Dictionary states the “hardness of heart” is evidences itself by light views of sin; partial acknowledgment and confession of it; pride and conceit; ingratitude; unconcern about the word and ordinances of God; inattention to divine providences; stifling convictions of conscience; shunning reproof; presumption, and general ignorance of divine things.” So because of man’s hardness of heart, callous, dulled of spiritual perception, and inattention of divine providence of the importance of marriage, God permitted divorce, but did not command it. So just because God permitted (out his Grace) divorce (as a result because man could not handle the responsibility God put upon him and God’s importance of marriage so the spiritual hardness of man’s heart was the result) and He does not command divorce, this does not mean a man can divorce his wife on a simple whelm or notion. God will still hold us accountable for our marriage. No fault divorces has caused more damage to marital relationships than anything else today. We have had generations of dysfunctional marriages and children who grow up in these dysfunctional marriages become dysfunctional fathers and mothers. You can see this come true just watch the show “super nanny.” MAN TODAY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT COMMITMENT IS.
    Matthew 19:9-10 states “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with [his] wife, it is not good to marry.” Whoever set the wife free except for fornication. Fornication is porneia in the Greek which means illicit sexual intercourse including adultery, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals, and can also mean the worship of idols. If the husband divorces his wife, except for fornication, any man who marries her commits adultery. The reason why a person who does not have a legitimate divorce commits adultery upon remarrying is because they are not divorced in the eyes of God (remember to keep this context that the Pharisees were trying to trap Jesus on these two  rabbinical schools of thought based upon the LAW). Since their old marriage was never dissolved on Biblical grounds (sexual immorality), that marriage is still valid according to the LAW. Jesus died on the cross and fulfilled the LAW. We are not under the LAW, but under Grace.
    Matthew 19:11-12 states “But he said unto them, All [men] cannot receive this saying, save [they] to whom it is given. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from [their] mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive [it], let him receive [it].” The disciples understood Jesus’ teaching on marriage and divorce clearly. They understood that it was not a commitment to be entered into quickly or lightly, and considered that since marriage is so binding before God, then maybe it is better not to marry.
“All [men] cannot receive this saying, save [they] to whom it is given” means Jesus recognized that celibacy is good for some, for the one who is able to accept it (such as the apostle Paul). In verse 12, the term eunuch was used figuratively for those who voluntarily abstain for marriage. Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean biological eunuchs, though He certainly includes them among those who abstain from marriage.
    Susan, God talks about desertion in 1 Cor. 7:12-15, but also talks about commitment to the marriage relationship.  
    In 1 Cor. 7:12 states “But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.” Paul says “but to the rest speak I, not he Lord” means that Jesus did not teach on this principle brought up by this specific question asked of Paul. Just because Jesus did not teach on it does not mean Paul is not just inspired by the Holy Spirit. If Jesus did not teach on this,  his inspired apostle did. Paul is saying if a Christian husband is living with a non-believing wife he is not to divorce her (put her away). This is why it is important for a Christian not to be unequally yoked to a non-believer as Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 6:14. But they are not to get a divorce.
    1 Cor. 7:13 states “And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.” This applies to a Christian wife not divorcing a non-believing husband.
     1 Cor. 7:14 tells us why they should not get a divorce “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.” Sanctified in the Greek is hagiazō which means to separate from profane things and dedicate to God. So the unbelieving husband is separate from profane things and is dedicated to God by the believing wife and the same applies to believing husband toward unbelieving wife. As result of this the children become holy.
     And you see this too numerous times to count, you see a Christian woman come to church on regular basis with her kids, but the non-believing husband who is at home on Sunday drinking beer and watching football as far as God is concerned he is being sanctified (set apart) by the Godly wife he is married to. God places his grace upon the household due to the Christian wife, the children grow in the Lord without the help of the unbelieving father, and God takes care of that family. This does not mean the unsaved husband is saved because he married to a Christian wife that is only when the unsaved husband comes to the Cross. The greatest blessing out of this type of relationship is that the kids are no longer unclean. Zuck states about this “divorce was to be avoided because the Christian spouse was a channel of God’s grace in the marriage. Within the “one flesh” relationship the blessing of God which came to the Christian affected the family as a whole (such as Jacob in Laban’s household [Gen. 30:27] and Joseph in Potiphar’s [Gen. 39:5] also Rom. 11:16). It is in this sense that the unbelieving spouse was sanctified and the children are holy.”
    1 Peter 3:1-6 states Christians married to unbelieving spouses will not likely led the unbelieving spouse to Jesus by their words, but by their godly and loving conduct.
Morris takes “the children as holy” one step further and states “Until he is old enough to take responsibility upon himself, the child of a believing parent is to be regarded as Christian. The parents ‘holiness’ extends to the child.” Only God could do that.
    In 1 Cor. 7:15, Paul addresses a different situation. The text states “But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such [cases]: but God hath called us to peace.” If the “unbelieving depart, let him depart,” means if the unbelieving spouse refuses to be married (he or she departs), then the marriage can be broken; but this isn’t to be initiated or sought by the believer. Paul is not saying the Christian spouse should depart or bail out of the marriage for whatever reason, and seek or initiate an end of the marriage. If the unbelieving spouse leaves (departs and does not want to be married) it is okay for the Christian spouse to break the marriage (here is an example where God does not command divorce but permits it)(this is desertion). Paul tells us why this okay. Because “A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such [cases]” Guzik states it very nicely “If the unbelieving spouse should depart, the Christian is not under bondage to the marriage covenant. This means they are, in fact, free to remarry because God has recognized their divorce as a valid divorce.” Guzik is saying God permits divorce (“valid divorce”) but does not command it.
     Paul evens tell us in 1 Cor. 7:39 who the Christian woman should remarry. She “is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” “Only in the Lord” means to another Christian only.
  So Susan, according to this verse you need to only be marrying a Christian man.
  
  You can use both Matt. 19 and 1 Cor. 7 to show his parents what the bible says about divorce and desertion. Do not use this to “get approval” by his parents, but to help them accept you for who you are and the situation you were in at the time. Both are biblical.

  I would suggest that you and the man you are going to marry get some pre-nuptial counseling from a Biblical counselor and make sure there is not any excess baggage that both of you may be bringing to the new marriage that has not been worked through.
   
May God Richly Bless You.

Dr Don Howe, RN, PhD, ThD