Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 7/12/2009

Question
When I married my wife she told me she was a virgin and all was good. But after one year of marraige she told me she was not a virgin and had been with one guy.  I was crushed, but after counseling... I was presuaded to stay in the relationship.  Later after our celebrating our third anniversary.  I found out there was another man she had been with then another, then another.  Every time I found out she promised that was 100 percent all and the entire truth, yet she had been lying to me the entire time.  I have stayed in the marraige for almost 24 years now, only because of our kids. But my trust in my wife has been shattered and I have never been able to trust her.  My question is this... would you consider these lies to be marital unfaithfulness and grounds for divorce?

Answer
Hi SC,

Thanks for this great question.  I am very sorry for my very late response.  If I am understanding you correctly, she is now confessing to deeds done before your marriage, at least 24 years in the past, is that correct.  The grounds for divorce is in my opinion, marital infidelity.  If she has not cheated on you during your marriage, you have no Biblical grounds for divorce.  There is a large issue that you need to deal with.

You are commanded to love your wife as Christ loved the Church.  We did not deserve His love, yet He offers it to us freely.

Ephesians 5:25-28
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

This kind of Christlike love involves forgiveness across the board.

Colossians 3:12-15
12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; 13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.  14 And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

If your wife has never cheated on you  to your knowledge, you need to forgive her and love her as you are commanded to do.  The devil is also known as the Accuser, and he is trying to drive a wedge between a wife who made mistakes in the past and her husband who is supposed to picture Christ in her life.

I hope that this makes sense and helps you.

In Christ
Pastor Don