Expert: Rev. Robert Woods - 1/16/2010

Question
This is the first time to reach out and find some answers I can live with happily as I have questions about our marriage.  I want to know if I am with the right person.  I have done some reading and hear both about divorce.  Is it a sin?  I hear you should not even think about it but then if God made two people to get married, how do you know if the person you marry is the right one and you get false readings and end up with the wrong person if it does not start off in the church.  I was raised Catholic and she Baptist.  I attended church regularly and she not.  We felt we were growing as a family and searched for a Christian church we attended together regularly.  We have been doing so for the past several years.  We have been married 16 years and have 2 boys.  I have been crushed the past year or so after I found out through e-mail she has been unfaithful.  With how many I do not know.  It seems it has been going on for years.  I always did what I felt was right, thinking about how she would feel and respected and honored her and all that even though marriage was up and down probably like most marriages but I NEVER thought I would take news about my wife as I did.  I am having problems forgiving as I just want to be where I am supposed to be in God's plan.  Is it with her or not?  That is what I have been dealing with.  I did not make an initial rash decision as it was a great deal to absorb.  I have up days but seem to always come around full circle to the infidelity.  Are we just pretending about what happened?  She seems to want to look the other way and she says "It is what it is"  I feel that is not the right answer and I do not fully understand and I think that is the problem.  I do not want to go on the rest of my life feeling this way.  I want to heal and not have these thoughts constantly in my head as I know it is not healthy.  I want to look at her and trust her and know that she is my long life partner and it was meant by God for us to be together and see this as a trial to make our marriage stronger.  I want to get through this but I feel I can not by keeping it locked in.  Looking for Godly advice to be happy so I can grow as a Christian and not go to church and still feel these feelings towards my wife which I know is wrong but it is hard to do.  Please help.  Thank you  What do you feel is the proper way to get through the healing process?  I feel it is for her to own it and to be totally honest which I do not feel she will be as she  is one to feel things left unsaid is better which in some cases could be true but if not there will always be that un trust which a marriage will not last as everything begins with trust.  I do not just want to roll over and try to forget it over time.  We need to deal with this fully and together.  Thanks

Answer
Blessings and thank you for your question.

First of all, my heart breaks for you and the pain you must be feeling.  I have been married to my wife for 20 years, she is my partner, my mate, my lover and my best friend.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in your position to lose trust in the one you believe to be your mate.  However, I have counseled with many couples in this situation and I will try and help you.

Infidelity- unfaithfulness is one of the few reasons that the Bible gives for a legitimate divorce.  In fact, Jesus himself said that a man could divorce if his wife was unfaithful.  So you have a Biblical reason to do so.  However, it seems to me that you still love her and really don't want this option.  You remind me of Joseph who only wanted to deal honorably with Mary when he first heard she was pregnant.   In your case, is your wife being totally faithful now or is there still an outside relationship going on?  If she is continuing to sin, then she needs to stop.  If she has stopped, why did she get into this behavior to begin with?  Most women have affairs because they want intimacy that they are not finding in their relationship with their husbands.  There could be other reasons as well: psychological problems, past sexual abuse, alcohol or drug abuse, co-dependency issues, a mid life crisis, or just a risk taking behavior.  I would want to get to the issues that caused this affair or affairs.

Forgiveness and Healing - forgiveness cannot come until the hurt stops.  That means that the sin has stopped and a new trust can begin to form.  She needs to come completely clean.  She needs accountability to keep this from happening again.  Once all this happens, then forgiveness on your part begins with a decision to forgive then takes place slowly in time if she remains understanding and loving.

Are you with the right person?  You have been married for 16 years, so yes you are with the right one.  But, that does not change the fact that a major sin has entered your marriage.  God knows how you feel.  In the Book of Hosea, God points out to the prophet that adultery hurts Him.  He says when we choose things that sin against him, then we are commiting adultery against God.  He like you, knows what it is like to have an unfaithful love.

You cannot ignore this.  It will NOT go away on its own.  She must be willing to restore her marriage.  You both need to go to a professional who deals with these issues.  A Christian counselor would be the best one to help you talk through this and deal with the underlying issues.  If you cannot do that or cannot afford that, then go to your pastor and ask him to help.  

I know this is difficult for you.  I appreciate that you are willing to share your heart with me.   I will pray for you and ask God to help you through.  May the Lord Bless you richly.