Expert: Dr. Ronald E. Shultz - 1/24/2010

Question
Hello. One of my friends was involved with an abusive boyfriend for a long time. He was very abusive physically and mentally. She wants to forgive him and has decided she will not even talk about the incidents to him or anyone else and act like nothing happend. However, for her safety should she cease contact or would this be going back on that forgiveness?

Answer
Without knowing all the facts, it would be hard for me to make a definitive judgment call.  If she has a pastor who is familiar with the situation she should sit down with him and discuss what limits there should be on their contact.  

If you were involved in a business with a man who embezzled and caused the company to fail you might forgive him if you found out he was being blackmailed or had some other mitigating circumstance but that doesn't mean you would start another business venture with him since you know he has a weakness. If you stick your hand through a fence because the wind blew a piece of paper out of your hand you could forgive the dog that seemed to come from nowhere and bit you because he was just doing what he was trained to do but you wouldn't put your hand back through the fence to try again if you failed to get the paper the first time.

Has the man truly repented and is he in counseling?  If no to either one than I would not feel comfortable in telling her it was OK to restart their relationship.  As the father of a daughter, I would be more prone to tell her to forgive and forget him and the relationship and move on to what God has for her.  Unless he is in counseling it is a very good chance that after a period of containment his abusive behavior will reappear and he will make her feel it is her fault and she will stay in the relationship until something very bad happens. Even if he is in counseling this could happen.

My advice to her would be to move on for her safety and hopefully for his education, edfication and reformation through regeneration.

Father, I ask that you give that young lady great wisdom and discernment to prevent further injury.  Place a hedge of thorns around her and keep evil from her and her from evil.  If this man is not going to be healed and changed from his ways then let him lose all interest in her even if it breaks her heart.  Turn her heart away from him and show her the man You would have her to have for a life of love, not pain.   Lord, bless Rose as she seeks to help her friend and bless her for being a good friend that cares and seeks the best for the young lady in question.  Bring peace, joy and love into both of their lives.  Amen!

Thank you for your concern for your friend!  Good friends are hard to find.  Again, blessings to you!!!

Brother Ron