Expert: Clive Heath - 5/7/2010

Question
QUESTION: I am 19 and just started teaching a Sunday School to a group of 24 kids in our Junior High school group.
Two weeks ago my co-ordinator monitored my Bible Study class and was pleased with my presentation but while gentle - she severly criticized my dress code for church.

Although my skirt was knee-length she said it was much-too promiscous, immodest and disrespectful for Sunday School kids and, that I should not go bare-legged for Church. (It was Hot).

I felt deeply ashamed and embarressed. I asked our Pastor's wife and she mostly agreed with my supervisor and said I should endevour to be be more modestly dressed for Sunday School.

I strongly disagree that my dress sense was in any way revealing or immodest in Our Lord's house. It wasn't as if I was wearing a transparent blouse, strong perfume or a mini-skirt. I since learned from a friend that a couple of parents and a Church Elder criticized my dress code as 'distracting' to the kids. I think that children nowadays understand and mature enough to know that women have curves and legs as a gift from God.

Last Sunday, to avoid dissension, I bought and wore a long loose floral church dress with nylons for my presentation and to conform with their advice.   Although they are much older than me, I am still very annoyed and aggrieved with their criticism. I have been a member of this congregation for five years - been very happy and not had any issues previously. I have prayed on this matter and considering leaving for a more understanding church.I really feel my good character and trust has been undermined in the congregation.
Should I find another home?

ANSWER: Hi Michelle,

My word this is a sensitive one, and it does keep popping up.

I totally see both sides of the argument here, it is all about perception. But it is not your knowledge, trust, good character or inteqrity that is in question you have already been praised for the work you do, but I have no doubt that unless you conform to this advice you will continue to receive criticism, infact it will only get worse as it will seem that you do not care of their views so are ignoring it.

From what you say at the moment it is just gentle advice, so I can only advise you to follow it, it will be easier for you to do so.
Obviously you feel that to be insulting I have no doubt that it was not meant to be, it is just that if concerns are raised then action must be taken.
I agree that in the world today youngsters are aware that women do have curves and legs but those complaining are saying that there is a time and a place, as I said it is all about perception, and those that are older will see things differently, that is not to say that they are right and you are wrong or that they trust you any the less.

My advice to you is that you dress a bit more modestly, but knowing that outside of Church you can dress within reason as you wish, concentrate and focus on your teaching, ther is no point in making things hard for yourself as you will be the one to suffer.

We had a case in my Church a while ago, when an older but attractive lady came to a Sunday service and she had an extremly short skirt and revealing top on, she would have looked fine on a night out, but not in Church, so we had to advise her about it, like you she was a bit upset but the realised that it was easier for all including her to listen and conform.

As said your personality or character have not been undermined at all, it is just that people especially those older view things differently, I think to change Church would be a mistake, for one you may come up agaist the same problem, secondly you have been going to taht Church for a good numbeer of years and are obviously doing very well, just swallow your pride, rise against it, dress a bit more to how they say and all will be fine, if not you will be the one distracted!

Regards and God Bless

Clive Heath





---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Sir
Thank you kindly for your very timely, wise, insightful and experienced advice on my problem.

I think I am still in the throes of coming to terms with been reprimanded by my church superiors and that concerns were raised by an Elder and some parents - and it hurts.
I dont think my dress at the time was nearly in the same vein as the lady in your situation, as my dress has never been a concern before.

I feel God is already speaking through me in the fact that I have already begun to conform to my superiors'reprimand and concerns. I guess on reflection, I did tend to dress in a more 'worldly', trendy and independent manner, than most of the other ladies in our congregation. But I have never ever worn anything promiscous, revealing or disrespectful like the woman at your church. There are indeed two sisters at our church who always come to church in jeans and t-shirts, which I have always considered very improper - but they are poor.

I am still very upset, but to be fair and on balence my Bible Study coordinator did personally approach and compliment me on adopting a long loose floral dress and nylons for my class, last Sunday - so that is something to soothe the angst.

I really love and adore my church but what happened was a bit of a shock to the system. I also love the fact that I have been honored with a position of trust and responsibilty in church, with kids who are not much younger than myself. However, I cant seem to shake the niggling feeling that my dress sense and behaviour is been monitored by the senior ladies. The fact that my cooordinator somewhat made amends by praising my dress code last Sunday should have made amends but I am still hurt. How can I banish this sense of bitterness that is sinful and taints me.

I cant prove it, but I also think part of the problem  is and hold a niggling suspicion that some in the congregation consider me too young to hold such an important position and I was chosen ahead of others. I wish I didn't have these thoughts as it is sinful that I think others are against me.

I am still somewhat confused and torn between resigning and staying but I take on board what you said to submit and conform to the higher standards my superiors require and if that entails adopting a more formal, chaste, highly modest and classicly feminine form of dress and behaviour - then it is a price worth paying for the many Blessings I receive from doing God's work and spreading the Word. Indeed, this week, with my Mom's (non-churched) help I got an adorable very formal turquise suit for very reasonable price in a thrift store, that I know will be ideal for church.

Since speaking with you I am beginning to think that I should not make a rash decision and leave as I think this would make me even more unhappier.  

I am also thinking of ways and 'good works' that will pay dividends in gaining me the full trust, respect and confidence of the Elder ladies and some parents. I hope and pray with Our Lord's help that in time that this problem and my hurt will fade from my memory. I am still in fear that as I am a very impulsive person that I will do something silly that I will later regret - just to make a point. I am fully prepared to conform and submit to my Elders standards but I think that any other incident will push me over the edge - and push me to do something rash and silly.

Are their any suitable readings I can do that will soothe my pain and ease my angst and constant paranoia. How can I shed this sense of sinful bitterness? I really tend help and advice in this time of turbulence. Please can you be of further assistance, Sir.
Blessings
Michelle

Answer
Hi Michelle,

This is certainly an issue for you but it should not be.

Apologies regarding the lady I mentioned, it was not meant to be a comparison, I was just trying stress that all things are perceived sometimes differently by others, the lady I mentioned clearly thought her attire was ok, but many of our older folk did not, it is not to say that she did not look nice, but our older folk thought it was not appropriate, she now dresses in a more appropriate way.

You are obviously highly thought off within your Church so my advice is not to make any rash decisions but to put it to the back of your mind, before you do get paronoid.

If comments have been made then your Church superiors had to tell and advise you, for as much your sake as theirs. And you were complimented on your floral dress etc, so the problem is in your mind and you have to let it go, why let the comments of others affect your life, I can see by your words that you are commited to God and to what you do at Church and that is more important.

If some think you are to young to hold that position, to be blunt Michelle that is their problem to deal with not yours, you were chosen, and obviously you are doing an excellent job, be proud of it.

Do not be impulsive enough to make any rash decisions, you have a place and a position of honour where you are now, do not let this bitterness consume you as it will destroy you, you will be criticized a lot more as you continue to walk in Christ, I tell you that from experience, put this down to experience and let it go, carry on with your good work and remember that God loves you no matter what you wear and that is what matters.
Please do not feel bitter, you are to young and to gifted to feel this way.

You are not forgiving yourself for feeling this way because you still feel that you are being judged by others.But also remember that Satan loves us to keep feeling guilty. He loves to see us struggle!

You are not the only one that has ever been stabbed in the back by others who should not have treated you so badly, but we are all tested at times!

Please read:

Jeremiah 31:34
Matthew 6:15
Acts 10:34
James 4:11
Jesus died on the cross to attone and forgive sin, so do not harbour these bitter thoughts.

I ask that you stay at this Church, go on doing the work of the Lord, you are obviously chosen to do this not just by your seniors but by the Lord himself, what an honour that is, put this issuse of dress to one side and forget it and move on, walk with God and be proud of who and what you are, show your critics why you were chosen but forgive them if you think they tresspassed against you, and as you know the Lord has already forgiven you!

The Lord loves you, he has chosen you, and he is working with in you and you are blessed by Him!

I will advise you the best I can at all times, thank you for putting your trust in me.

My Love and God Bless

Clive Heath