Expert: Dr. Ronald E. Shultz - 7/7/2010

Question
QUESTION: This is a very strange situation. I have been talking to this guy that I meet online for 7 months now. We talk daily on the phone for hours upon hours. It started off as friendship but it has grown into a love that I have never had before and he says that he feels the same way but the problem is that he just told me that he is married. What I am about to telling you is what he has told me about the marriage. They were married almost 4 yrs ago for the wrong reasons. He was over 50 and had never married and everyone was telling him that he should marry. Well, this lady and him had been friends for years and she helped him through some hard times. Her family doesn't like him and thinks that is is no good at all because he has health problems due to a car accident 26 yrs ago which was getting worst at the time. So they decided one day to up and get married. After they were married each went back to their house and have never lived under the same roof at all. However, they have had relations but not that often. Since they have married he has gotten sick and has been unable to work and receives diability. She doesn't support him in any way money or emotionally. In the time that I have known him, his water, lights, phone have been turned off for a short period of time. Some months he doesn't even have enough food in the house to last to the end of the month. She does come by when she needs something and does call but never stays the night or help him. Also, when they got married they both agreed to sell the house that each had and to buy one together. Well, she now doesn't want to sell her house and buy another because she likes it and he can't move into her house because her family will believe that he is just living off of her. From the way that I see things, this is was never a true marriage in God eyes. He doesn't believe in divorce unless is it is Biblical correct. He knew that when he married her it was the wrong thing to do but because of things he saw no other way and did it anyway. He is depressed. Her family has him followed and reports everything back to her. He needs help and advice what to do. I love him dearly and only want the best for him. Does he have Biblical grounds for divorce? Also does God bring together everyone that is married? The Bible says that what God has joined together let no man come between. I didn't come between them because he has told her many times that this isn't a real marriage and she lays everything on him that he could move.

ANSWER: Actually, it is a very common situation. I don't think you would receive much of what I could share about the situation so I will stick to the Scripture question about divorce though I cannot be much help to you Scripturally.    

In the eyes of the government it is a real marriage.  They have consummated the marriage then it is a real marriage both in the government's and God's eyes. If it is a community property state he may still lose his house if he divorces depending on who has the best lawyer.

In fact, a one night stand without a government license is a marriage to God since marriage language is used by Paul in describing such an event in I Cor.

Gen 2:24-25

24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh .
25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. KJV

Matt 19:6

6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh . What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. KJV

1 Cor 6:15-16

15 Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.
16 What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.  KJV

Ironically, the secular world adds some affirmation to this if you have ever seen the commercials for STDs that say you are not only sleeping with the one you are with but with everyone they were with and so on until at some point that could be a few hundred folks in our day and time.  Sex joins souls and bodies and it is a bond that only death and God can break so your friend is correct that there should be a biblical reason.
 
Just because it does not work out the way it should does not make it an unreal marriage.  He was over 18+.  He was a adult and made an adult decision.  Not everyone has to be married and some are better off single.  His friends did not help by harping at him, but he still had to make the decision.  If it was a bad one, then like all of us, we must come to grips with that bad decision.  We do not blame God nor can we expect Him to bail us out of a bad decision though He can choose to do so out of His mercy and grace, but He is not under any obligation.

I believe that God has someone for everyone that should be married, but He has given us free will to choose less than His best and even the absolute worse, if we want to do so.  No one forced him to marry her.  If he knew it was wrong then that was his way out of not doing it. I do not see how he had no other way when he was single and in his own house.  

After many years of ministry and seeing much heartbreak through others using other interpretations of the Word, I can only tell you that God takes marriage far more seriously than most people, including Christians.  There are many passages warning about getting into marriage and what happens if it is a bad deal or out of God's will.  We are often all about eternal security when it comes to our salvation but Arminians in our concept of marriage, which can fall from grace at the drop of a hat.

If they are both born-again believers the Word is very strict because no matter what we do; we do not want God to divorce us and yet we are guilty of spiritual adultery every time we sin.  Perfect grounds for Him to divorce us forever and let us go to Hell. Instead, He forgives and tells us to forgive 70 times 7. Even adultery is not a grounds for divorce. The Matthew passage some use is a Jewish concept and we do not practice marriage like the Jews since the adultery spoken of in Matthew is during what we would call the engagement period not after they lived as man and wife. The Puritans granted a divorce on those grounds, but it was a moot issue since the adulterer/ress was executed.  

Why so strict?  We are supposed to have the mind of Christ, the Word, prayer, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, spiritual guidance by church leaders and the love of Christ so that we should not make mistakes by frivolous decisions about something as serious as marriage.  Christ died for His Bride, the Church, and He is never going to divorce her.  We are more accountable than unbelievers.  We are to love and do good to our enemies.  Why not the same for a less than perfect spouse when we are far from perfect?

If the hunk of burning love turns into a fire breathing dragon or the hottie turns into the nag from Hell we obviously blew it or maybe not.  Sometimes, we did pick the one He had planned but we abused and trashed His gift and then wonder why they are not so perfect. That doesn't mean we get an automatic do over because of grace.  Sometimes, like Hosea, He gives us a less than perfect spouse to change us or to change them through the love and grace He gives them through us.  

We have access to the throne of grace to ask for mercy to help mitigate our mistake and maybe even transform both people into what they should be, but just to pack up and leave is not His plan. If there is the possibility of physical danger then leaving is mandatory and safety should always be sought as soon as the danger is revealed but the teaching about divorce is still in play.  

Read 1 Cor 7. True believers have no real options but to separate until reconciliation can be brought about or to divorce and not remarry.

They are already separated. Only God knows if there is any hope of reconciliation.  One divorce often leads to more because the trash from the first gets carried over into the next and wrecks that marriage and yet another person.

He can divorce and remain single if he chooses. That does not help you, but it might help him to receive more help for his health issues and other needs. A good lawyer can get him a divorce.  Man issued the license and Man can revoke it. Since 50% of all marriages end in divorce Man is very good at revoking his licenses. God is not as swift to revoke His.

If two unbelievers wed and one gets saved and the other does not and the unbeliever walks away then then the believer is not under bondage.  They can remarry if the unbeliever instigates the divorce.  The believer is not to leave if the unbeliever is willing to stay nor are they to do ungodly things to make the unbeliever go because that spouse may one day become a believer.  

A person married and divorced prior to salvation can remarry for they are a new creation and all sins are under the blood of Christ.

Those are the only biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage that I can see.  You can find a preacher that will use passages out of context to meet your desires or explain away the ones I have shared.  Now-a-days, you can find a preacher to tell you anything and explain away the whole Book, which makes me wonder why he is a preacher.

That is your choice, but if he convinces your friend and then he regrets it later after he marries you then you will not be happy being married to a guilt ridden man who may then divorce you to remain single or even go back to the other lady.  Again, a first divorce makes the second and third much easier.

What does he think are biblical grounds?  Unless he acts based on his faith or convictions then he commits sin, for whatsoever is not of faith is sin even if he truly has biblical grounds but his convictions do not have him think that he does. (Romans 14:23) He will be the ultimate human factor in this, for he will have to make the choice.  Making two bads ones only make things twice as bad, but in the end it is his choice.  

I would not wish to see you hurt. If he says he is going to divorce her then I caution you against meeting for a tryst.  He may well be saying the truth about leaving, but emotions can do crazy things and the next week after the thrill with you he may feel guilt and then stay with his wife.  I would wait until the ring is on your finger no matter how overwhelmed in love you may be.  If the mind changes, it will hurt less if you do not sleep with him.  That is my guidance, but you are an adult as well and must make that choice.  Choose wisely.  

May God grant you wisdom and discernment, but I would exhort you to go to your local pastor for more guidance and prayer.  You may be more willing to receive guidance on some of the other issues that are present from him.   

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for you answer. He believes that the only Biblical reason for divorce is adultery and the one that committed the adultery can get married unless it is an adulterous marriage and will go to hell for it. I guess mine next question would be, since he has already fallen in love with and says that in his heart that he is married to me, has he already committed adultery and if so can he remarry? Or will the marriage be what is known as continueous adultery or a one time act? Thanks again.

Answer
See, he is wrong and fortunately so, since by his definition he will go to Hell. By his definition he cannot remarry without going to Hell.  Do you want to be with a man who will be convinced he is going to Hell all the rest of his life?  True love would not want to put him in that situation nor would he want to burden you with thinking he is going to Hell partly because of you.  If he believes he cannot be divorced and remarry then where can this relationship go? If he thinks he is already married to you then in a sense I guess he is a polygamist as he is still married to the other lady.

Between two believers, that are true believers, there is no biblical reason for divorce and remarriage, not even adultery.

Matt 5:27-28

27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.  KJV

Adultery is an evil of the heart that manifests itself in the flesh if given opportunity.  A lot of people have committed this in their heart but have lacked opportunity or feared the consequences and have not fleshed out their lust though it is there.  

Yes, if he has had adulterous thoughts about you he has committed some acts of adultery, but if he marries you he will have continual thoughts and opportunities to fulfill the thoughts so it would be a continuous adultery, not just one act.  Can you be married and be celibate in heart and body?  No.  

God will always see him married to her if he is not divorced for a biblical reason and he has none. He believes that also or he would not think of Hell or adultery so he cannot in good faith divorce and marry you without searing his own conscience or living in habitual sin for he is not doing it in faith. His only option is divorce and celibacy based upon what you have given as details.  

Many different sects teach that you will lose your salvation and go to Hell if you divorce and remarry.  They do not see any types of biblical divorce existing in the Word.  I don't believe you will go to Hell if you are true believers but you will lose blessings here and rewards there.  Other ramifications both spiritually and legally may come of it as well.

Indeed, in some states she could sue for alienation of affection if she finds out about you and him. Some might use breach of contract if they had something in their vows about being for each other only until death do they part. The details vary per state, but a lot of angry wives are suing the other women. They are not just mad at the lad anymore.  

She may not love him but she has not turned him loose either and she may get quite ugly in a divorce process.  They do not always win but the wear and tear is really not worth it.  It is a pride and emotion thing.  Vengeance and venting is more important than winning. If it is a money and property thing it will only give her more power in court to take all he has and maybe even get alimony.  Even if she loses, again the emotional wear and tear can devastate both of you and destroy your relationship.

A wise friend of mine once said, "If he will do it with you, he will do it on you."  If he can do what he is doing with you now what makes you think he might not do with someone else if things are not as sweet as he thinks they will be with you?   There is another old saying that "it is easier to find someone who has never cheated than to find someone who has only done it once."  Much easier to justify the second time than the first.  Think about it.  He is not a free man and he is arousing emotions in you that he is not able to righteously satisfy. That is sin as well.  You are arousing thoughts in him that cannot be righteously satisfied.  

God will hold each of them responsible for how they handle their marriage.  He does not get a pass to do wrong because she is not doing right.  Like it or not, he is cheating with you.  Is she a wicked witch of the the West?  Maybe, but that still does not negate that he is cheating.

Have you told any of your married women friends that you are having a cyber relationship with a married man?  My guess is they would not approve and might even start shunning you fearful you might work on their man. They may think if she will do it with him she might try it with mine. Don't tell any of the men.  

Even though he is doing this on his wife, he might feel uneasy if you were to marry and he saw you carrying on an innocent conversation with a married man wondering if he is more than a friend.  The trust level on each side will be low when the glow wears off and the first few arguments start.  The odds of one of you tossing this in the other's teeth is very high and it all goes downhill after that. This current relationship is built on stealth.  Can it survive on that?  Will it not ultimately cause suspicion instead of trust? A relationship not built on trust cannot last.

May God guide you into the right path.