Expert: Dr Don Howe - 7/5/2010

Question
QUESTION: The guy that I have been talking to just told me that he is married. He said that the only reason that they got married was just to shut people up and she wanted to prove to her family that she could marry him because they didn't like him. The reason that her family doesn't like him is because he has health issuses and helped him with some bills before they were married. They have never lived in the same house, never have had join checking accounts. He is disabled and going receives disability. She doesn't help him with any bills or makes sure he has money to live on. She does calls and comes by to check on him so. They live in different counties. Would this be  desertion according to the bible which would be a Biblical reason for the divorce? Second question if he does divorce for non Biblical reason and we get married, would be in an adulterous marriage? I am divorced because my husband cheated on me. I personally believe that we wouldn't be in an adulterous marriage but he does. We need help with this. He has told her that they don't have a real marriage but she won't do anything about it and he has looked in the Bible before he ever meet me to see if he could divorce her but couldn't find anything but for adultery. Please help us.

ANSWER: Charolotte, thank you for your answer. My first question is why are talking to a married man about his wife, their situation, and their problems. You should not be having anything to do with this man because he is married, and he is wrong talking to you about thier problems. Another question why would you want to marry a man who is disabled. Ask yourself what is his intentions in wanting to divorce his wife and marry you? Is he looking for anybody who will take care of him. Think about this involvement on your part and why is he talking to you at all. If you are involved with this man are you comitting adultery? He is marriied.   

The answer your first question is no this is not desertion. They may live in different counties, but sound like this arrangement is agreed upon by both of them. His wife does come to see him sometimes. I would agree this is not much of a marriage. If his wife will not file for a divorce, he needs to do it himself. This man needs to get himself a Christian counselor and work on his issues, and he needs to talk to his pastor. Paul calls us to live in peace in these matters.

If he does get a divorce and marry you, it could be considered an adulterous marriage based on Matthew chapter 19. Matt. 19:7-8 states "They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so." This hardness of heart is spiritual hardness against what God had set up as marriage being between a man and woman, and man could not stand up to the standard God had set up at the beginning of creation. God does not command divorce but he permits it.

So if a man and woman gets a divorce for anyother reason except adultery or abandonment, then in the eyes of God if they remarry; thier marriage will be an adulterous marriage. So this would be yes to your second question. Rememner, we all will have give an account to the Lord Jesus at the Bema Judgment.

Charolotte, my biggest concern is not for this man or his wife, but for you. You may need to seek some counseling from your pastor and seek wise counsel.

Be careful. Forget this man. It is for the best.

Blessings,


Dr Don Howe, RN, PhD, ThD












---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your answer. I have follow up question. What is abandonment? He didn't agree to live in separate houses. She will not move to his house because she likes her house. It was assumed that they would buy a house together but like I said she will not leave her present house. When they got married he knew that he was doing the wrong but went ahead with it anyway to shut everyone up. I know that abandonment is possible between a believe and a non-believe but is is possible between two believers and if so are both allowed to remarry.

Answer
Charolotte, thanks for the followup question. In 1 Cor. 7, Paul is answering questions addressed to him by the Corinthian Christians. Accordingly, if a believing spouse is abandoned by nonbelieving spouse then is a biblical desertion. But if both are born again Christians, then he states they should be separated and not remarry.

But listen to what Paul says in 1 Cor. 7:17 which states "But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches." It does not matter if you are divorced, married, single, separated, or widowed, God can work in one's life. So walk for the Lord in the place you are at right now. Paul gives a warning here about trying to undo the past in regard to relationships; God tells us to repent of whatever sin is there and then to move on. As the Lord has called you, walk in that place right now.

So whatever this man decides to do, he needs to do it and move on with his life. If he divorces his wife, who has never been a wife to him, he must repent of his sin (God still forgives sins), he needs to walk in Lord Jesus, and live for the Lord. We must walk the path God has given us and live in peace of the  Lord.

I would suggest that this man and his wife seek Christian counseling and work out their issues, but if they refuse to do this they need to make a decision, whatever that maybe, and move on.

There is no one easy answer for these type of questions.

I hope this helps.

Dr Don Howe, RN, PhD, ThD