Expert: Cooper P. Abrams III - 1/24/2011

Question
Dear Cooper

I belong to a very conservation fundamentalist christian church and have been attending since birth until my present age (I am 26 years old). As a teenager I was never allowed date boys or go anywhere alone with men my own age without a chaperon. I was also taught that sex was wrong and even a sinful subject to think about. Growing up I always felt extremely confused about my sexuality. I didn't know how to relate to guys or understand my own sexuality.

Presently, I've never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or been kissed. Three month ago my friend Leah (who is 18 yeas old) admitted to me that she was a lesbian and that she thought that I was cute. To my great surprise instead of being horrified by here confession I was delighted. Secretly I was attracted to her too.

I enjoy seeing her every week and often feel the strongest urge to kiss her. We both stare at each other from across the room in church and I can't remember when I've been so happy. Of course the trouble is, that deep down inside we both believe that homosexuality is a sin. Is homosexuality a sin? If the pastor found out about our secret attraction we would both be excommunicated and disowned by our families.

Still I can't seem to stop adoring her despite our age difference. Leah has never had a boyfriend or been on a date. Is it possible that we are both simply confused because of our strict upbringing. I really don't know what to do about this situation, and hate keeping it a secret. Do you have any Biblical or practical advice? Both Leah and I were sexually abused by two different men as children, so do you think this has something to do with confused sexuality?

We're not allowed to talk about sex in church, so it's hard to talk about our problem with our parents and pastors. I'm really confused and need some serious guidence.

Thank You

Answer
Hi Ann,
  Clearly, you are having a real struggle with dealing with the problem of your feelings and what you in your heart know is wrong.   Your writing me is clear evidence you are seeking to do what is right and that shows me that God is working in your heart seeking to help you.   This shows us the love of God who seeks the very best for us and wants to help us through sinful temptations.   Homosexuality is a choice and that is what you are being presented with.  The temptation to commit a gross sin or to choose to believe God and follow what is right (righteous) and proper.   Your choice will have grave circumstances that will affect everything you do for the rest of our life.  Therefore this is a serious matter and you should honestly, before God,  consider the consequences of your decision.          

  What you are experiencing is happening to a great many people today.  The homosexual movement is being promoted as simply a different or alternate live style that is acceptable as people are more enlightened today than in the past.  However, homosexuality is what it always was, and is simply sin and though our society is trying to get everyone to accept it, they are not telling the truth and certainly not telling us that God strongly condemns this sinful behavior.

      We are God’s creation and He made us and has a will for each of our lives.  He also has given us a will whereby we can choose to listen to Him and do what is best for us or listen to the sinful world around us that is seeking to destroy our lives and keep us from fulfilling God plan for us.    Satan is the author of all sin and  homosexuality as God plainly says in His word.   

      But if we know the truth we can avoid the destructive results of this sin.  The truth is that homosexual behavior is a symptom of a person who is actually seeking love, affection and acceptance from others.   All men and women need love in their lives and we need the companionship of others.   However, there is a right and proper love that brings peace, true love and contentment in our lives and there is also the perversion of that desire for love and acceptance which substitutes sinful lusts that is not love and always will leave the people empty and unfulfilled.   Sin never begins happiness nor does it fill the need God has placed in us for true love and conpanionship.   

  Homosexual behavior  takes the God given desire for love and  uses it in a perverted way.   There clearly is in homosexual behavior the element of seeking love and the care of others.  Yet, instead of seeking it in moral and natural ways it tries to find it some abnormal behavior or even forbidden desire.   Homosexuality exports one’s nature  desires and replaces it emotional emptiness in the person’s life.   In the beginning it is exciting to indulge in a behavior that born in lust, but fulfilling of this lust, but in the end it does not satisfy.   The end result is that once this behavior is begun it will lead to a more erotic and unnatural behavior hoping to find the feeling of love and acceptance they desire.   The problem is that like all abnormal behavior, God did not make us this way,  and thus it cannot give us what we are looking for.  It may satisfy for a while, but in time it will leave the person empty and often any longer capable of normal emotional feelings.  Thus these people will spend a life time seeking what they cannot find, because what they seek does not exist.

  What is happening to you is what happened to Eve in the Garden of Eden.   Satan appeared in the form of a serpent and tempted Eve to disobey God.   Satan tempted Eve by making the sin look pleasurable and good.   He appealed to Eve offering her something that was wrong, but making it look so wonderful.   Instead of listening to God, Eve gave in to her lust and her act brought sin and death on the whole world.  

         On the first page of the Bible God set the foundation for man’s sexuality and of the family in which sexually is fulfilled.  It was defined by God. Genesis 1:26   God is the Creator of Life.  How did He do it.   Verse 27. In God’s image, male and female.  Gen. 2:24, the man and woman in marriage become one flesh.  God had a clear pattern and plan for the structure of the family and social order that is founded on the union of a man and a woman.  God defined the sexual nature of a man and woman and it is sin that distorts and destroys this relationship.  It is man’s rebellion toward God, that rejects God’s way and perverts all that is good and proper in the human relationship.  God established that a husband and wife, who by make vows to each other and commit themselves to their monogamous relationship.  Marriage between a man and woman is a wonderful thing when the couple believes and loves the Lord and seeks Him in their relationship.

  God made man and woman different.   We are physically, mentally, socially and emotionally different and that difference is the foundation of a happy, successful and fulfilling relationship which transcends the family and should direct our society.  The distinctiveness of the man and woman makes the marriage a fulfilling union.   However, it is sin and rebellion that destroys the union and perverts sexuality.   Sexual acts are not love.  Yet, in the relationship of a man and woman, who love each other and are committed to their relationship it is proper and fulfilling.    God says the “....wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life.”   All sin brings the ways of death, which means living in sin the person loses their God given life and are left empty and in darkness.

  God’s way produces procreation of human life;  homosexual behavior is shameful and it produces nothing but to fulfil sinful temporal pleasure and brings emptiness.  It creates nothing that is lasting or worthwhile.   To practice this sinful behavior a person must suppress their conscience which tells them it is wrong.   Inside there is a battle in which they know they are doing wrong, but they try to sheer their conscience which convicts them of their wrongful behavior.   That in itself should show us the futility of this corrupt behavior.  I believe on reason those in the homosexual movement of today are trying so hard to past laws and get people to accept this sinful behavior is they are trying to justify what they know is wrong.   The are trying to overcome the shame they feel inside, yet try so hard to deny is there.  The relationship between a man and a woman was ordained by God our Creator and it is sacred and to defile it in any way is to commit grievous sin against God.  It brings judgment if no repented of.

  There is much more I could say, but let me try to explain this.  As a young woman God has a special purpose for you.  You can live no better life that than to let God lead you as you live a godly life.  If you do,  the Lord can direct you to that special young man, that can love you deeply and that you can make a wonderful life with.   You can experience true love of a husband and of having a family with children who love you and whom you care for.    However, it you choose to let this girl tempt you into a lesbian relationship, it will haunt you all your life.   You will throw away the blessing God can give you.   For what you think will give you a few minutes please or love, you will find will only bring sorrow, unhappiness and deep conviction of your sin.

  You should pray and ask God to help you through this and to in His time give you the real fulfilling love that He can bring in your life.  You should also be very careful not to treat this girl badly in any way,  but to pray for her also.  You can care for her soul and yet not engage in her sinful behavior.   If she continues to tempt you and will not respect you desire to live the proper life God has for you, then you should simply avoid her.   Do not tell her friends or try in anyway to shame her or embarrass her before others.   If she asked you to explain, do it tactfully and in a caring way.   God condemns the sin, but He loves the sinner and seek always to give them His love in salvation.

  I would be amiss if I did not state that God warns that those who choose this life style will be severely judgment.   He warns us in Romans 1:22-31 of the consequences of rejecting Him and choosing to sin.  He says:

  “Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient; Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” (Romans 1:22-32) Please note this serious warning from God.

  My heart goes out to you.  I know you seek love and acceptance.  What I am trying to say to you is that this girl that is tempting you to sin that will only bring the opposite of what you need and desire.   I have prayed for you since yesterday when I read your post and my prayer is that God will give you the strength to resist this temptation and let you see He has so much better a life for you if you will believe Him and let Him guide you.  Please if you have further questions please write.  You can e-mail be at cpabrams3@gmail.com.  I promise to keep this totally confidential and I will continue to pray for you also.

  “Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.”  (Psalms 37:3-6)