Expert: Rev. Stuart Woodward - 1/24/2011

Question
Dear Rev Stuart

I belong to a very conservation fundamentalist christian church and have been attending since birth until my present age (I am 26 years old). As a teenager I was never allowed date boys or go anywhere alone with men my own age without a chaperon. I was also taught that sex was wrong and even a sinful subject to think about. Growing up I always felt extremely confused about my sexuality. I didn't know how to relate to guys or understand my own sexuality.

Presently, I've never been on a date, had a boyfriend, or been kissed. Three month ago my friend Leah (who is 18 yeas old) admitted to me that she was a lesbian and that she thought that I was cute. To my great surprise instead of being horrified by here confession I was delighted. Secretly I was attracted to her too.

I enjoy seeing her every week and often feel the strongest urge to kiss her. We both stare at each other from across the room in church and I can't remember when I've been so happy. Of course the trouble is, that deep down inside we both believe that homosexuality is a sin. Is homosexuality a sin? If the pastor found out about our secret attraction we would both be excommunicated and disowned by our families.

Still I can't seem to stop adoring her despite our age difference. Leah has never had a boyfriend or been on a date. Is it possible that we are both simply confused because of our strict upbringing. I really don't know what to do about this situation, and hate keeping it a secret. Do you have any Biblical or practical advice? Both Leah and I were sexually abused by two different men as children, so do you think this has something to do with confused sexuality?

We're not allowed to talk about sex in church, so it's hard to talk about our problem with our parents and pastors. I'm really confused and need some serious guidence.

Thank You

Answer
Hello Ann,
Thank you for your question. It conveys a great deal of distress and hurt and I thank you for being willing to be as frank as you have been. I am English and minister in England but the issues you raise are as relevant here as in the USA.
I will try to help you through what I write here but it would be best if you could seek advice from a mature and worldly wise evangelical Christian female who has experience of such matters. An internet search may turn up someone suitable near to you.
There is no doubt in my mind that the extreme, though well intended, nature of your church background has had an influence on how you now feel. Also it is inevitable that the abuse you suffered as a child is significant. Let me first try to explain the scripture's teaching and then make some pastoral observations. The scriptures say nothing about homosexual orientation but clearly condemns the practice of homosexual sex. The Old Testament is clear. See Gen 19:1-25, Judges 19:11-29 and verse 48. Lev 18:22, 20:13, 1Kings 2:24, 15:12 & 22:46. The New Testament is equally clear. See Rom 1:18-27, 1 Cor 6:9-11 and 1Tim 1:8-11.
Besides these 'proof texts' the way in which the creation of man and woman is described in the bible conveys that man and woman were made for each other. Also Paul's teaching about sexual intercourse making two people 'one flesh' has to do with this completeness of man and woman together.
Where does that leave you? I offer the following gently and for you to consider prayerfully. First, it is not surprising that you feel attracted to Leah. She is showing you warmth and some measure of desire for your company. That instinctively will bring a warm response from you. Does that make you lesbian? Not at all. People are attracted to each other for all sorts of reasons and one of the curses of our day is the assumption that a close relationship has to be sexual. Throughout history there have been very many close friendships that have not been sexual. David and Jonathan springs immediately to mind. It is what happens from here that makes all the difference. We all have sexual desires and sometimes we mistake the desire for someone else (which is self giving) for the desire for sex itself (which is self gratification). As with all desires, the more we feed them the more they grow. This is the basis of all addictions. It is important not to feed wrong sexual desire by experimentation or deliberate fantasy. It only makes us less in control.
Sexual desire is the strongest desire, except the desire for God, that we have to deal with. However, sex is a gift of God to be used on His terms otherwise it leads to destruction and heart ache. This is true of every case of homosexual activity I have ever had to deal with. Sexual desire ebbs and falls. It is not something that is meant to drive us but is a gift for us to be master of. No one has to have a sexual relationship. It is always a choice and a choice made for many reasons.
You are not a helpless girl at the beck and call of this thing called sexual desire. You are free to make your choices and this brings me to my final point which I will call 'the greatest love'. To love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength is what we were made for. If we love Him right we do not want to disappoint Him or fail Him so our actions are driven by the greatest love.
If, as I suspect, you are not really of lesbian orientation, that love for God will keep you and open the door in the future for a fulfilled God honouring relationship with a man, though I appreciate the nature of your church's ways makes that hard. If it turns out that you are of lesbian orientation you still have a choice. Celibacy is seen in scripture as one of God's highest callings and there have been many Christians who have chosen to remain celibate rather than dishonour God and bring themselves greater distress.
It is regrettable that sex is not talked about in your church and family situation as it is a glorious gift to be celebrated, but celebrated in a God honouring way.
I hope these comments are of some help to you and pray that God will lead you and give you wisdom.
May God bless you.
Stuart Woodward