Expert: Cooper P. Abrams III - 3/26/2011

Question
I have been married for 8 years. We have never had sex within the marriage. Both of us are miserable. We are more like roommates and really have never been like husband and wife. I have felt more like his mother most times. I can hardly stand to be around my husband and spend all of my time away from the house, only coming home when I know he will almost be asleep and go to bed myself. We have slept in separate beds for 2 years now.

I accepted Jesus as my Personal Saviour in May 2009 and he is not a believer. I am concerned because I am so unhappy in my marriage and do not see it turning around one bit. But I know God does not like divorce.

My question: How does God view our marriage since we have never consumated it? Can it be annulled?

Thank you for your time,
Darcy

Answer
Hi
   I thank you for writing and I will try give you some information to consider in making your decision.    It is not an easy decision to make and it is something you will have to work out based on God’s word, legally, and your conscience.

  First, Marriage is a contract between two people in which they mutually vow to commitment themselves to each other for as long as they both live.  The marriage contract does not mention anything about consummating the marriage.  Death ends the marriage and commitment.   

  However, marriages in Bible were not valid until consummated normally on the wedding night.   For example:   Jacob was betrothed  to Rachel for seven years, however on the wedding night Labin,  Rachel’s father tricked Jacob and substituted Leah and Jacob unknowingly consummated the marriage with Leah and not Rachel.  He was legally married to Leah and also betrothed still to Rachael and had to work for seven more years for Rachel.    Both marriages were not consummated until their wedding night.  Under Old Testament law there were reasons a marriage was not official which was that the bride to be was not a virgin and that was discovered the wedding night.

      There is no stated law in the Bible that says that marriage is not valid until consummated.

  A contract involves both parties honoring the agreement.  Note what Paul stated:   

  “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.”  (1 Corinthians 7:3)   “Due benevolence” is the verb opheilo and means “I owe.”  In other words the husband is to give his wife what is due her and the text seems to refer to conjugal rights.

  Further Paul wrote,    “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.    But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.” (1 Corinthians 7:4-6)     Verse 5 the word defraud is apostero and means not to steal or rob.   The implication is “do not deprive or cheat each other in sexual relations.”    The only exception was to devote one’s self to spiritual activities of prayer and fasting.

  Paul says this was not a commandment, but given as a concession which would be approved by Christ.   This means, for the persons involved, Paul was not telling them what to do, but this was to be judged for themselves.   Each spouse should be conscientious in acting appropriately to the other.   Sexual relations is a normal part of marriage and it is abnormal for it not to exist in a marriage.   The fact that Paul mentions this means it is something that needs to be addressed considering, Christ like behavior, their testimony, and their witness to their spouse.  A believer should respect and honor their spouse and take into consideration their needs and desires.

     The fact that a spouse is not a believer and making reference to 1 Corinthians 713, the pertinent
verse says,

   “And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.”  (1 Corinthians 7:13)

  This statement can be applied  this vise versa and apply it to both spouses.  Basically, the reason for the separation under this verse would be the matter of an unsaved spouse being offended or at odds with having a saved spouse.   The separation is not “just” because the spouse is lost.   Verse 15 makes is clear that the unsaved spouse making a issue of their spouses salvation which is causing serious conflict in the marriage.  The saved spouse can leave and is not obligated to remain in that abusive an situation

  In most states marriage laws do not annul a marriage because it was not consummated.  In some states if one spouse does not reveal their impotence there is grounds for a law suit and annulment, even though the marriage vows do not mention consummation.  It is assumed that marriage involves sexual relations.  A lawyer would have to be consulted concerning this.

  You will find some who dogmatically state the marriage is an unbreakable contract and confutation is not an issue in dissolving the marriage.  Personally, I believe based on Paul’s statements God has given some lea way in rare situations.   However, ultimately, the decision is a personal one that a believer makes considering as stated earlier, their commitment to the Lord, their testimony before others, and the possible salvation of the unsaved spouse,   Only the persons involved can know that.  I would prayerfully consider each equation of your situation and seek God’s direction.

  I hope I at least given you some principles to base your decision.  I prayed that the Lord would guide you to His will in this.
Cooper Abrams
http://bible-truth.org
Psalm 37:4-5