Expert: Rev. Stuart Woodward - 5/4/2011

Question
QUESTION: I have been a Christian for about nine years now off and on, but in the past three years I have been “serious”, meaning I am striving to do all that I know.  I faithfully pay both my tithes and offering, and when able provide extra.  I help the poor and needy, the sick and try with all my might to follow the teachings of my Pastor.  I am by no means perfect (I am guilty of consistently speeding), but I take my walk with Christ serious.  However, for as long as I can remember, the things that I truly desire out of this world have always eluded me.  When growing up, I wanted nothing more than to have my dad in my life.  Simply put.  This was probably the greatest disappointment I felt I experienced from God because I prayed and prayed and it never happened.  
The second disappointment (which I am still going through) is to find success in my life.  I have always wanted to work in a medical field that will affect others for good.  After graduating early from high school, I attended college for a year and half, until I had to come home because my family could not afford it.  I was truly angry with God after this and although I have learned to accept it, the scar is still there.  Further, I felt that if I wanted to be connected to God, I had to let the anger go. After time, I picked myself up and kept pressing toward the mark.  If you can imagine every avenue possible for a person to pursue such a dream, I bet I have tried twice.  At times I feel like, how can this be wrong?  Why would God not grant this pray?  Despite the fact that I am still waiting for that dream to come true, I chose to keep the faith.  To add to my misery, I have been working in a field that I hate, doing everything that I know to do to pursue my dream.  This has been going on for the past ten years.
Last year I came back home to settle down (I had been traveling after quitting my job {two years earlier} for yet another failed attempt at graduate school) because I am getting older and I am sick of putting my life on hold, hoping and waiting for change to come. I moved in with my Mom until I was able to find a home to purchase.  My Mom is on a fixed income and there are certain rules where she lives that no one can stay with her above a short visit. But I had no place else to go!  I am sensible, I have adequate down payment, pre-approval and most importantly, I prayed before making this decision.  After three failed attempts at this task, I am now beginning to feel alone as if I have no help.  I am the “go to person” in my family and everyone depends on me from advice to finances.  I am not complaining as it is a blessing to be able to bless others.  But in turn, who can I turn to for help?  I always thought that if I followed the rules then my prayers will be answered because I have a clear line.  
In truth, I do not pray about much because of the disappointments that I have experienced and continue to experience.  Yet, how can I be a child of God and not pray for things in my life?  How can everything that I truly desire in this world go unanswered?  What am I doing wrong?  I am not a quitter, and will fight to the very end but I am losing my strength to hold on.  I am sick of saying that its okay when in reality I have to will myself out of the bed and hold back tears throughout the day.  Also, I am beginning to avoid the bible because I feel the words do not apply to me.

ANSWER: Hello Paula,
Thank you for your question. You raise many issues and it would not be possible to address everything in what of necessity is a limited response. Although I will try to make some helpful comments you need to find a group of Christians who you trust and who are also prepared to be vulnerable and share in that context seeking support and prayer.
Living as a Christian is not primarily about keeping rules. We are saved by grace not by our choice to try to live right. We try to live right in loving response to God's acceptance of us - we can never earn that acceptance and love for it is freely given. A ministerial colleague of mine had a severe heart attack which led to him lying in a hospital bed being told that even very mild exertion would kill him. At one point he wept before God and said 'I have served you all my life. What can I give you now?' He heard God say to Him, 'You can give me all I have ever wanted - your love.' I would encourage you to draw close to God not because of what you want Him to do for you but just so you can enjoy His company and He yours, basking in His intimate love and loving Him back. Similarly read the bible for enjoyment, not primarily for direction.
The Christian life is based on trusting God, that He is good, that He does right, that He knows best and so on regardless of how many circumstances try to shake that trust. We want to get to that place Job was in where effectively he resolved to trust God whatever God allowed to happen to Him.
It is from this secure base of knowing God and trusting Him that all else in life gets into right focus. Matthew 6:25-34 sums this up quite well.
Giving all our dreams to God and trusting that He will take them and bring from them something that is beautiful is all we can do. We don't bargain with God. We trust Him and follow Him simply because He is God and has saved us through the blood of Jesus.
Finally I come back to where I started - you need the support of Christian brothers and sisters so you can be real, share your hurts and get them to pray into your life. You in turn can do the same for them. The Christian life was never meant to be lived in isolation. We are saved into a family of faith called the church and God gives us one another to help sustain each other.
I hope these comments are of some help you and pray that God will bless you, bringing purpose and fulfillment in ways you have never imagined.
Stuart Woodward


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dr. Woodward,
Thank you for your reply.  However, I am still very confused.  I was listening to two ministers today and sure enough...they talked about obeying the laws of God, and we have not because we ask not.  In my Christian background that always seemed to be the main focus, yet I do understand where you are coming from.  Still, my Mother always told me that you do not tell someone how much you love them, you show.  In my opinion, I am showing God how much I love him by keeping his rules/commandments.  Further, everyone comes to God because they need/want to fill a void.  Think about the woman with the issue of blood.
I do need a good group of Christians, and I pray that I meet them because I just do not have that in my church.   I am more of a Nicodemus and tend to ask simply questions that somehow offend.  In my opinion people think I am trying to a smart mouth or sarcastic but its the simple things that I somehow miss.  If you told me today that God said you can no longer eat peas and I truly believed it, I would never eat peas again.  Yet tell me to draw close to God, and my reply is how do I do that aside from what I am already doing?
I guess I am just discouraged due to the fact that I am trying so hard with all that I know and still coming up short.

Answer
Hi Paula,
Thanks for you follow up. In no way do I want to stop you trying to obey God. It is important as you rightly say as a way of demonstrating our love to Him. However, we need to understand that His love for us does not depend on us achieving a certain level of obedience. If it were we would never match up because His standards are always perfection. The story of Mary and Martha comes to mind. There was nothing wrong with Martha's service it was just that she was neglecting just enjoying the presence of Jesus which is what He wanted most. I have two grown up children. By and large they were good kids and apart from a few hiccups demonstrated their love and respect for my wife and myself in the way they behaved but the bits I enjoyed most were when my daughter would stand on my feet and we would dance around the room and when my son and I would, as we often still do, work on music together just for the fun of it. Showing someone you love them is not an alternative to telling them. Both are important.
There is a truth in the fact that we often don't receive because we don't ask but prayer is not a slot machine process, it is a relationship in which we tell God that more than anything we want His will for our lives whatever it might be and He reminds us of His love and leads us on. In the process we share our dreams and hopes with Him not as demands but as offerings that He might take and fold into His purposes.
Please understand that if we believe that there is a level of obedience to God that guarantees all our requests of God will be exactly met we will always feel a failure and inadequate. Obedience is right but God gives out of grace and love. Sadly some people still tell their children 'you had better be good or Santa won't come'. They grow up believing they have to earn gifts. Gifts by definition can't be earned or they would no longer be gifts.
I understand your discouragement but would encourage you to spend time with God learning how to enjoy Him, not for what you have to do for Him or what you want Him to do for you. Just 'be' with Him.
I can't promise that all your hopes will suddenly come to fruition but I can promise that you will discover that God really does plan to bless you. Its just that His ways are a bit different and sometimes leave us confused. That is why trusting Him is so important.
Yes you need to keep looking for that network of Christian friendship that will help you through. Part of doing this is admitting your need to others and not being afraid of being vulnerable. I do understand that this takes some courage and not everyone responds as they should but my experience is that some do.
A starting point might be ask to see your pastor and His wife or another senior couple in your church. You could even show them this exchange of messages as you have certainly expressed yourself very well to me.
May God bless you and give you joy.
Stuart Woodward