Expert: Dr. Ronald E. Shultz - 6/8/2011

Question
I have been dating a married woman for 3 years and she finally left her husband.  3 months later she filed for speration and told her husband she had an affair with me.  Within 2 weeks her Baptist father is a preacher took her to the campus to live with her family and i get a phone call one day ago from her saying,"i no longer can be with you, i have to stop leading with my heart, I love you, we are not compatibile and God has to guide me from now now.  I can have not cotact with any males until i am healed and a see a counselor, mentor and i will live with my parentS for the next year." she is 29.....Does this add up?

Answer
Well, to be honest, none of it adds up to a good thing based upon what you shared.  She should have never dated you and you should have never dated her let alone have had an affair.  Am I correct in thinking that neither of you are what might be called strong believers?  Yes, she is a 29 year old adult and responsible for her actions, but if she and her husband needed counseling and you alienated or helped alienate her affections then you are going to be held more accountable than her before God for the affair and the divorce.

I can understand her father's concern from a father's and pastor's perspective in that he felt she needed an intervention. I have never done one myself, but I know they even have a TV show about them so such a thing is not unusual. The situations normally involve drug, alcohol or cult issues, but I can see why Dad did this one.

A word of caution and maybe some consolation to you.  The relationship you two had was condemned by God so it was most likely to fail even without the intervention.  Somewhere down the line there would have been guilt and suspicion on her part.  If you did it with one married woman the chances of you doing it again would always be in her mind.  You, on the other hand, have to think if she did it with you she can do it on you.  It is easier to find a person who has never had an affair than to find someone who has only done it once.  At some point distrust would have crept into both of you and that would be the end.

There may still be an opportunity for her to reconcile with her ex after she has counseling and works through her guilt and finds the reasons she fell for you in the first place.  She may have been just lonely but your attention led her too far down the path.  She may be emotionally involved with you and the sex may have been great but she is now dealing with going against what had been her convictions.  Even without the intervention this would have happened somewhere down the line and would have most likely made the relationship miserable enough that you both would be happy to end it.

Because relationships that start as yours did usually end badly it is good for both of you that it ends now before the hurt gets worse. I would ask God to forgive you and then don't have another sexual relationship until you are married and date single women.  

May God grant your mercy and forgiveness as you seek to find Him and do His will.