Expert: Dr. Ronald E. Shultz - 9/9/2011

Question
I was saved when I was 22 years old. I was taken to a pentecostal church as a child by my aunt, and changed to baptist about a year after I was saved, because I felt like everything I did was wrong according to that denomination. My parents did not attend church, as my biological father was a drunkard and committed suicide at thirty two years of age. My mother remarried a much older financially secure man. This man was very verbally and emotionally abusive, I believe he had ice water running through his veins. I was sexually abused from the age of about four until I was about eight or nine years old. I was made to live with paternal grandparents when my biological father and mother went through nasty divorce. My grandmother would beat me and make me iron clothes, mop floors, and clean house.I woke up one night and my little brother had west the bed, and I knew she would be very angry, so I turned on the light in our room, and was changing the sheets, and when she caught me, she bloodied my nose and called me terrible names! I was not allowed to be a little girl. At night I was being molested. I would pretend to be asleep, while he committed his crimes against me. I told my mom when I was about ten years old, and she said no one would believe me, and did nothing. When I came to live with my mom she had started dating my step-dad and eventually married him. My mom never stopped him from calling my brother and I names and threatening and bullying us, in fact she told us that she did not want to hear it, and be glad that she had someone to love her.We were told everyday, how worthless we were, and that we would never amount to anything. He also never gave me a dime,never. My deceased fathers checks took care of me and my brother. Along with the grandfathers, he also tried to molest me when I was ten years old, but I kept saying no. I married when I was eighteen to a man that was eight years older and he was very physically abusive, but I thought that was love, because I had seen my real dad do that to my mom. I was so desperate for love, and there was none to be found for me. When I was grown ,my mom did give me a compliment "well, I can say that my kids never got into any legal troubles" You have to understand..they were well off, and did not want any embarrassment from us!Because of our traumatic up bringing my once precious brother is now a sociopath or as close as one can get. I have had multiple abortions(3), I have anxiety, and panic. I have had a horrible walk with God, its up and down, I can be good, and then burn out and walk away.You should know, I absolutely despise myself,pure hatred!I see nothing good or worthy about myself. I don't know how to love or receive love, as I have never known it. I am however very tender hearted and will give the shirt off of my back, but I have anger and rage issues that I can't seem to conquer.I argue with husband to the point that I am screaming and hurling awful names, then I sink ever so low.I am very critical of myself,and others. I feel like I have to be perfect, but ironically I can't even just be "good", I want to be good but how? I have been saved over and over again, because pentecostal aunt says that we lose salvation, or maybe I am not saved, despite my deep desire to love and serve God. I despise sin, but can't seem to gain self control. Also,I don't feel love for God like I should,I try to the point of legalism and always fail, so tell me, Has God walked away?I have read every christian self help book I can find, to no avail. I am suicidal,but to much of a coward to do anything about it. I yearn desperately for love,I am married, but he is not a very good husband, he is a good dad but not really in love with me. I do not like to be hugged nor do I hug,except with my children,(and those are the best)because there was no affection during my childhood,intimacy of any kind makes me uncomfortable.I do so love my precious children and try to be a very involved mother and oh how they love me , But somehow that is not enough!I am very withdrawn and sad these days. I guess I need to know if I am a reprobate, has God said enough? I have recently developed a fear of God's word and very afraid of God. What is wrong with me?Do I need deliverance? I am sorry for the long letter, but I have no one to listen, and I needed to get it out.I am tired of pretending that I am fine! Please tell me that I am not a reprobate, and that one day I will be more consistent in my walk and not be so afraid of the Lord?

Answer
My dear lady,

         I am so sorry that you have had such a rough life.  No, you are not a reprobate and God is not done with you.  In fact, I believe He has had His arms wide open waiting for you to run into them and let Him hold you in His arms as your earthly “fathers” should have done.   While you have reasons for your rage you must learn to release and forgive for your own sake.  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, but it is not to be a debilitating fear.  Yes, He is Lord and we need to seek to be holy as He is holy but He wants to be active part of that transformation.  He does not leave it all up to us and He is a loving and forgiving Father so when His child is trying and stumbles or falls He lifts them up and heals the wound not push them further into the dirt.  

  You know how to love your children because they are frail and vulnerable as you were so you understand them and can relate to them better than you can adults because all you have known from the adults in your life is condemnation and pain.   We are all sinners and that is why Jesus was sent to die for us to pay our sin debt that we could never pay.  That was done out of the love and grace of God.  Yes, He is righteous and just, but He is balanced in His attributes and unfortunately many who call themselves by His name are not balanced.  They are either all Law or all Love.  Few are balanced.

  You must realize that nothing that happened to you as a child is your fault.   Those who were supposed to care for you failed to do so.  That is their guilt, not yours.   They will answer for their sins either at the Cross for forgiveness or at the Great White Throne for judgment.   For your own well being forgive them and release them to God.  

  Love is not a feeling.  It is a choice and as we choose to love we may or not feel anything.  Love is often putting the well being of another before our own well being like the sleep we lose when we are caring for an infant.  We need the sleep but we put the infant’s needs above our own.   Your willingness to “give the shirt off your back” is a form of love that is shown by giving.  Because of your past you need words of affirmation to feel loved as well as acts of love done for you.  

  I would let your husband know that.  Your husband may well be in love with you but does not know how to show you love since you do not want to be hugged.  He may not understand how your past impacts your ability to give and receive love.   You both need to seek counseling to help you.  Sometimes it takes different eyes than yours to get through a problem.   

         Do not hate yourself.  God loved you enough to provide a way of salvation for you.  Accept that love and allow Him to mold you into Christ’s image.   I would ask you to start reading the Book of John slowly at least three times through and note how Jesus treated the common sinner versus the self-righteous religious types.  Also notice where love is mentioned or loving actions are done.  Start personalizing John 3:16.  Say, “For God so loved “your name” that He gave His only begotten Son so that “your name” believing in Him would not perish but have everlasting life.”

  This is my prayer for you.  Lord Jesus, please draw this lady close to you and hug her.  Heal the pain of her hurt and allow her to use the scars to help others who need her and Your love!  Amen!

         Peace be unto you as you rest in His arms!!!