Expert: Dr. Ronald E. Shultz - 1/9/2012

Question
QUESTION: Good day!

I have a boyfriend now who is undergoing annulment with her wife. The reason behind their annulment was because her wife was having an affair with other man. Today, she and that man were living together.

I have a dilemma now if I'm continuously having a sin because I'm having a relationship with a married man (who is having annulment on the process). It's my dilemma for over a year now. My boyfriend is very kind (her wife also told me this, but she said that her love for him had already gone).

Please, kindly help me. Is this relationship is not good in the sight of God? Am I sinning?

Thank you very much!

ANSWER: First, you must realize that divorces and annulments are man's way of handling problems.  Some would say that adultery does not end a marriage as there should be forgiveness extended and reconciliation sought.  If your current relationship has no sex involved then there is no sin on your part. The sin will come if you marry him and God does not approve.  That is true of a person who has never been married before as well.  Marriage is serious and God has to be in it to be blessed.

Does God see and approve of an annulment?  God only knows marriage and divorce.  He does not have annulment mentioned in the Scripture anywhere.  An annulment and a divorce are the same to Him. They only have different ramifications in the legal world on earth and in Catholicism who accept annulments as a means for a person to remarry.

You have to study the Scripture yourself and determine if the divorce/annulment was right in the sight of God. I would refer you to 1 Corinthians 7 for study.  She does not sound like she is a Christian so if we see her as an unbeliever she should have been the one to leave him rather than him file and put her away. Nevertheless since she is now living with another man with no intention of seeking reconciliation who filed first may be a mootissue.  

God does allow for divorce and remarriage under limited circumstances.  They are given in 1 Cor 7.  If you believe that his circumstances match one of the allowable situations and have asked God about it then proceed if you believe that He has granted you permission to do so.  If you feel that it does not or you do not have faith that it is right then the Word says that if you do not have the faith the situation is right then you are wrong to proceed because you do not have the faith that it is right even if it is.  When in doubt, don't is basically the principle.  

Rom 14:22-23

22 Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth.

23 And he that doubteth is damned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin. KJV

If that is true about eating something without faith then how much more so marrying without faith that it is right?

One thing you may find is that since he has had one wife commit adultery on him he may have fears that may arouse suspicions if anything seems wrong.  You come home late from work or visiting your mother may agitate his fears and he may accuse you of cheating.  Even if he says he trusts you he could still battle with the fear for years to come.  This could cause some problems so you need to be prepared and work hard to gain his complete trust and help him overcome his fears.  If this may seem like too hard a task you may wish to refrain from marrying him.


His annulment is not complete so all of this is fresh. If I were to counsel him I would suggest that he refrain from a relationship for a year or so and seek counseling so that he might heal rather than drag fresh garbage into a new relationship.  Unless he never loved her he may be more hurt than he realizes and he may be on what we call the rebound here in the states trying to heal in another relationship far too quickly. That is not good for either of you so I would take everything very slow no matter what you determine about the annulment.

May God grant you great wisdom and discernment as you seek His will in this.  


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Is there any other verse in the bible where I can find the topic that divorce is applicable? 1 Corinthians 7 does not discuss deeply about the divorce. I've read somewhere in the bible where it discusses divorce deeply but I can't recall it.

Thank you.

Answer
My dear lady, you have already stated that you cannot leave him so further study would not help. If you are not committed to do what God tells you what good would it be to learn more and in essence condemn yourself if you are not going to be obedient? Nonetheless here are some more guides.

All through the OT God has said that he hates divorce/putting away.  He once had a prophet, Hosea, marry a whore and did not tell him to divorce her even when she had two children by other men to show His grace and love to His people who were in spiritual whoredom. Jesus,
told the Jews that unless the woman came to the marriage bed and not a virgin the man made her an adulteress and the man who married her an adulterer if he divorced her. Moses allowed a bill of divorcement because of the hardness of the people's heart but Jesus said that in the beginning it was not so.

Matt 19:8-9

8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. KJV

When Jews were engaged/betrothed it was actually a marriage but it was put on hold for a year for several reasons.  One was to be sure that the girl was not already pregnant.  Thus it was expected that she would come to the marriage bed a virgin.  If not, she was guilty of fornication and the man could divorce her. It would not be adultery as it would have happened before the marriage was consummated. That is why he could giver her a bill of divorcement. Adultery in the Old Testament was punished by death so of course the person could remarry since the spouse was deceased.  The Puritans in early America also practiced that.  That is not practiced anymore in Christianity.  Each time we sin against Christ it is spiritual adultery and we do not want Him to cast us out when we seek forgiveness daily for our sins but we will not extend the same grace to our mates.  

1 Corinthians 7 does give us the marriage pattern for the Church.

If divorce happened prior to salvation it is under the blood and a person is free to marry.

If two unbelievers are married and one person gets saved and the other does not if the unbeliever decides to leave then the Christian is not under bondage and may be remarried for God will not punish His kid for what the devil's kid does. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between an unbeliever or a backslid Christian.  That is why all effort should be made for reconciliation both in the marriage and spiritually rather than just quit the marriage as many suggest.

If two people that are born-again marry there is no divorce and remarriage.  They can separate and seek counseling and reconciliation even if that takes quite awhile.  They can divorce but then they are to remain single and be celibate.  They do not marry again.  Marriage is a picture of Christ's relationship to His Church and divorce destroys that picture.  That is why marriage is a very serious matter and why God warns that divorce and remarriage can lead to adultery if it is not one of the situations that He has said it is OK to do it.

We have a lot of marriage rituals but God even sees a one-night stand as a marriage because the two became one flesh.  1 Cor 6:16 and Gen 2:24

Again, unless you are willing to ask God and do what He says all the study in the world will be of no use to you.  He may make you happy now but if it is not God's will for you to marry him it will not turn out well.  May God grant you discernment and an obedient heart in this and all other matters in your life.