Expert: Dr Don Howe - 1/12/2012

Question
Dear Dr. Howe

My mother and I both went to a church for many years where we were taught that it was wrong, weak-spirited, and even sinful for Christian to grieve over the many trials in their lives.

If a person mashed and totaled their car, they were supposed to keep a great big smile on their face and pretend that everything was okay. Tears, sadness, depression, and regret were a sign of weak faith and lack of trust in God. As a result, my mother and I never learned how to cry and grieve over things...we just numbed our feelings and kept on being soldiers of the cross.

My mother and I no longer attend the church that we used to go to; however their teaching still have a hold on my mother. Tomorrow my mother is going to get laid off from her job, yet she refuses to show any emotion or sadness over this event for for fear that tears are a sign of weak-faith...or worse...that she isn't really saved at all!!

I would like to show my mother some verses in the Bible that show her that it is perfectly okay and natural for Christians (and all human beings) to cry and grieve when unfortunate things happen in our lives. My mother thinks that she must "maintain" her salvation by constantly being strong like JOB.

While JOB is certainly a wonderful example of strength and determination; I recollect that even "Jesus Wept" over the loss of Lazarus. Do you know of anymore verse or examples?

Thank you for your time. And would you please keep me in your prayers because I am sad too...

Yours Respectfully,

Priscilla

Answer
Priscilla, thank you for your question. You stated "My mother and I both went to a church for many years where we were taught that it was wrong, weak-spirited, and even sinful for Christian to grieve over the many trials in their lives." This church you and your mother is not biblical by any means. No where in the bible does it say that feeling grief and the loss that we have in life is a sign of weakness. This church is very spritually abusive and legalistic. The pastor of this church needs to be fired.

But people like to say they can not grieve, that grieving is sign of weakness, or sign of weak character, but it really is a coverup for fear,  loss of control, and saying they are mortal.
This not showing grief, emotions, tears, and expressing ones fears is the SIGN OF WEAKNESS and not strength.

It takes courage to acknowledge  the death of a loved one, deal with the feelings, and work through that loss. You deal with it head on and move on. It takes a chicken to hide behind being hard hearted and callous. If we are hard hearted, do not show our emotions, it is a way to mantipulate people and keep them at a distance and keep from realizing they are real people with real feelings.

People use thier misery to justify thier addictions, depression, and using drugs.

I remember a number of years ago, a man came for counseling, as he had no joy in his life. I asked him when he lost his joy and he said it was after the accidental death of his grown son. The son had died in a plane crash. This man had been continually tormented by grief from that time, which had been over two years. I explained to him that tormenting grief was from the devil and he could be free from it. I was shocked at his reaction when I offered to pray for him to be free from this evil spirit. He absolutely refused. The devil had convinced him that if he quit grieving for his son, it meant he no longer loved his son.  He was equating the emotion of grief with the emotion of love. He had embraced an additive kind of agony and the devil made him reluctant to let it go. This kind of negative emotion causes men to live in the past and robs them of the present, and future. This man was no longer a good husband to his wife as his life was revolving around a dead son through the grief he refused to let go of.

See this kind of thinking is crazy and so it is what you said "it was wrong, weak-spirited, and even sinful for Christian to grieve over the many trials in their lives." You  have a heart problem.

Maybe I should ask "why do people do the things they do" or "feel the things they feel."
Why is the once romatic couple  now engaged in guueilla warfare? Why is Bill driven in his career? Why is Sue so critical and controlling? Why does George speak so bluntly and unkindly? Why is your daughter afraid of what her friends will  think? Wy does Peter refuse to talk? Why do people the things they do? Biblical it is a problem of the HEART.

The Bible uses "heart" to descibe the inner person. Scripture divides the human being into two parts. The outer person is your is your physical self, the inner person is your spirtiual self (Eph. 3:16 states "that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glor, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man. The inner man is the HEART, wich encompenses the sprit, soul, mind emotions, will, etc. The heart is the "real" person.

Jesus in Luke 6:43-45 helps us to answer the question "Why do people do the things they do?"
Lk 6:43-45 states "For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor, on the other hand, a bad tree which produces good fruit. For each tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from a briar bush. The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brigs forth what is good, and the evil man out the treasure brings forth what is evil: for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart."

Jesus is saying our fruit is our behavior. He is saying our words are our heart overflowing. People and situations don't make us say what we say, though we ten to blame them. People say things like "He made me angry," "If you had been there, you would  have said the same thing," "These kids simply make me insane!"  This passage passage says our words are controlled by our hearts.

What Jesus is saying the root of the tree equals our heart. The fruit equals our behavior. Our words are controlled by our heart (the root of the tree), and what we say and act is our outward behavior or the fruit.

Point: a tree has the kind of fruit it does because of the kind of roots it has: we speak and act the way we do because of what is in our hearts. many times we deny this connection and blame other people and circumstances for our actions and words.

Our source of our sin problems is in our heart. Lasting change must always travel through the pathway of our heart. It is not enough to alter my behavior or to change my circumstances. Christ transforms people by radically changeing their hearts. If the heart does not change, the person's words may change temporarily because an external pressure or incentive is removed, the change will disappear.

Jesus brought this idea of rotten roots (rotten heart) does not bring forth good fruit (good behavior) by attacking the Pharisees in Matt. 23:25-26 which states "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self indulgence. You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and the dish (the heart), so the outside (thier behavior) of it may become clean also." The outside of the cup is the same as fruit which is the same as outward behavior. So the inside of the cup is the same as the roots of the tree which is same as the heart. The Pharisees missed the mark because the did not show faithfulness, justice, and mercy (Matt. 23:23). I hope you see the parallel here.

Jeus is saying change the inside of the cup and change the heart, and the outside of the cup will also be clean and there will be lasting change in one's behavior.

Point: Change that ignores the heart will seldom transfor the life. For example, I have an apple tree that produces soft, pulpy apples. So to  make the tree look better, I go to the store and buy a bushel of good looking red apples. I go  home and cut all the branches that have soft pulpy apples. Then, I staple on the branches all these good looking red fresh apples. So now my tree looks better with the stapled fresh apples, but the roots of the tree is still rotten. Prisilla, this what people do when they go to church and say "I want to reform. I want to join the church. I really like my Sunday School class." So they go to church on Sunday and look good just like the stapled on red apples, but on Monday through Saturday they are mean spirited, cheat people, and live like the devil. Just like tree that look good on the outside with the stapled apples, but their heart or roots is rotten. Just  like  the sick tree.

But if I go to Home Depot and get some fertilzer and other proper nutrients and put it on the my tree. I will transform the roots of the pulpy tree to the roots of a spirited, strong tree. Now, the tree will have good roots and producing good fruit of red delicious apples. This is what Jesus does when we have a transforming encounter with him, ask Him for forgiveness of our sins, and accept Him as Lord and Savior. He transforms our roots or hearts by fertilizing it with the Holy Spirit and produces good fruit.

There are three  prinicples that Jesus established that can guide our efforts to serve as God's instrument in lives of others:
1). There is an undeniable root and fruit connection between our heart and our behavior. People and situations do not determine our behavior, but provide occasions where our behavior reveals the true status of our heart.
2). Last change always takes place through the pathway of the heart. Fruit change is the result of root change. Jesus Christ says, "Clean the inside of the cup and dish outside will become clean. Any agenda for change must focus onthe thoughts and desires of the heart.
3). The heart is the target in personal growth and ministry.

My prayer is that God will change your stone cold heart to God fearing heart that loves the Lord Jesus and your fruit will be Godly fruit.

I will be praying for you.

Dr Don Howe, RN, PhD, ThD