Baptists/Forgiveness of the world
I'm not sure how to phrase this, I'm not even sure if it's really a question, it is but.
I know that Christ forgives me for my sins, that through him they are made as if nothing before God, but...I feel like I will never be able to have a true relationship with a woman in my life because of my past.
I know that this is a weakness, it is me holding onto a anchor to this world, but how am I supposed to address it, how am I supposed to act on it?
I was an atheist for all my life, I am 30, I just found Christ about 6 months ago and since then I have felt so amazing, but...lately over the past month or 2 I have felt even more alone in the world. I know we are not supposed to care about this world, and I do move forward despite how I feel in order to try and follow my path for God, but sometimes, a lot of the time, I feel that maybe God wants me to be alone, and that's why he has led me into the situations I am in.
I'm 30, with no job, no experience, no education, no car, no money. When I was young I did sexual things with other boys (this ended when I was an adult, it was never really seen as sex to me then but more as just boys messing around). Between the age for 20 and 30 I started looking at a lot of pornography, and around 25 I started looking at cartoon pornography, witch slowly led to me looking at cartoon pornography and written stories of pedophilia. I know it doesn't make a difference but I never looked at pictures of real children. It was also something different to me, real life is much different then a story or a cartoon. I feel nor have I never felt a real attraction to children.
Since I found Christ I have given up pornography, I have even given up masturbation, he has given me the strength! I praise and thank him every day for it, it has removed so much of a burdern from my heart. I can hold my neices now without feeling dirty, I can hug a woman without feeling wrong, I can talk to a woman without feeling shameful.
But...I still feel like I can never be honest with someone. I feel like how could a woman ever truly love me, ever truly accept me and forgive me for my past. How could someone ever trust me around their children, around our own children, with the past and what I used to look at.
I know Christ has forgiven my sins, I know that that's all that matters, I know I shouldn't worry about the world, but I do.
If God is calling on me to be alone for my life I will gladly accept his will because he is Lord & Soverign and he is Provider and he will bring me a life that is filled with his Glory & Joy.
I just feel so horribly guilty for wanting to have a wife despite what God seems to be leading me too, and I feel like no wife would ever accept me truly as a part of her knowing what I did.
I'm sorry, I'm not sure if this was a question or not, I think it is.
Thank you very much for you time
Probably before looking for a wife, ask God to help you gain some experience getting educated in something you have an interest in. Seek a job, save some money to prepare for your future.
From what you've shared, you may not be ready to begin a family-not because of your past sins that God can forgive-but because you've shown no signs of responsibility in these other areas.
God may have a perfect mate for you, but holding her until things are ready on your end.
I'd involve myself in an active, Bible believing church, whose people reflect the example of Jesus. I'd offer myself to be trained in an area where someone could use you. I'd offer to work for nothing until I proved myself worthy. The experience will be good.
Pray without ceasing. Read the Bible as much as you eat food.