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Baptists/Can I be forgiven for something horrible?

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I have a problem.  I think that I have committed the unforgivable sin of blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.  I am being tormented by worrying about this.  I was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety a few years ago, and I think this is really latching on to this.  I am also pregnant, and I doubt the hormones are helping.

A few nights ago, I was in a bad mood for no particular reason except that I was getting frustrated with being pregnant.  I am nearing the end of the third trimester and I'm just uncomfortable.  I was feeling very tired and grumpy, and I had that feeling that I was not going to be able to fall asleep.  I've heard other pregnant women joke about pregnancy insomnia being God's way of preparing you for the sleepless nights of having an infant.   Anyway, as soon as I thought that, I said to myself in my head, "Well, that must just be a part of God's evil plan."  I was absolutely disgusted by the thought!  I do not think that God is evil at all!

Ever since then, I've had this horrible pit in my stomach and knot in my chest.  I have asked for forgiveness, but I am afraid that I am like the Pharisees who accused Jesus of casting out demons by Satan.  I know that Jesus said that all sins and blasphemies will be forgiven, but the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, and even though I didn't refer to the Holy Spirit in my thought, I blasphemed Him by default since He is part of the trinity.  I feel like I blasphemed all three persons of the trinity by referring to God as evil.

I am so scared that I will not be saved because of this.  I want to believe what the Bible says, that if I confess my sin then He will be faithful to forgive me, but He also said that blasphemy of the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.  I've messed up so bad!  I know that Jesus is my only hope for salvation because He is Lord and He died for me, but I'm afraid that Jesus can't forgive me for this evil blasphemous thought against Him.

I am so upset!  I did not want to think that thought, or at least I think I don't.  It makes me afraid that maybe I'm losing my mind and don't know what I really believe.  I know that Jesus is the only way, and I long for His forgiveness and for Him to be my savior.  I wish I could go back and unthink the thought.  I hate it so much!

Answer
My dear Amanda, many thoughts come to our mind. Some are ours. Some are from the enemy.  Some are just random junk from our mind sorting out things hence many of our nightmares.

Would you not agree that deceit is evil? I am sure you do.  Jeremiah twice accused God of being deceitful.

Jer 4:10 Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! surely thou hast greatly deceived this people and Jerusalem, saying, Ye shall have peace; whereas the sword reacheth unto the soul.  KJV

Jer 20:7-11

7 O LORD, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived: thou art stronger than I, and hast prevailed: I am in derision daily, every one mocketh me.
8 For since I spake, I cried out, I cried violence and spoil; because the word of the LORD was made a reproach unto me, and a derision, daily.
9 Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.
10 For I heard the defaming of many, fear on every side. Report, say they, and we will report it. All my familiars watched for my halting, saying, Peradventure he will be enticed, and we shall prevail against him, and we shall take our revenge on him.
11 But the LORD is with me as a mighty terrible one: therefore my persecutors shall stumble, and they shall not prevail: they shall be greatly ashamed; for they shall not prosper: their everlasting confusion shall never be forgotten. KJV


Yet God still used him as a prophet and he wrote 31 more chapters as well as Lamentations and in that book he wrote.

Lam 3:18-25

18 And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the LORD:
19 Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
20 My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
22 It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. KJV

Seems like he was still saved to me.  Had you committed the unpardonable sin you would not be worried about it.  The devil wants you depressed and debilitated by fear so that you have no joy and you will not be serving God because of your fear.  As you see, Jeremiah basically called God evil twice.  It is the intent of the heart as well as the words and the intent matters most.  Be at peace and receive God's forgiveness for that thought.  Many have done far, far worse and God has not cut them off for He knew their heart and understood their actions.  Also, having foreknowledge, He knew when they would foul up and when they would return to Him.  When God saved you through faith in Christ He knew that down the road you would have this thought and also any other sin you might commit before you die.  He did not buy a surprise package.  Sins do not lose your salvation.  They lose fellowship and rewards, but you are born again and adopted.  You are always a child and if He has to He knows how to use the belt to chastise you to get you right.  Go to Him as the loving and forgiving Father that He is and believe 1 John 1:9 and go on rejoicing and find your gift and then serve with peace and joy the One who bought you!

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Dr. Ronald E. Shultz

Expertise

I am more of a polemicist than an apologist. I especially desire to answer questions concerning discipleship/holiness, "gray areas", etc. If all you wish is an argument then I am not your man. Sincere seekers only need e-mail me.

Experience

I have ministered in several states since my conversion in 1975. I participate in many forums and have written two books. I recently changed to Assembly of God, but after 40 years, I can still answer questions about Baptists and doctrinal issues that are common to many sects.

Organizations
American Association of Christian Counselors since 2009
Texas Navy Association since 2008
Texas Civil Defense since 2008-10
American Legion since 2002
Honorable Order of Kentucky Colonels, since 1994
Life Member NCOA, 1973
Dover AFB Honor Guard, 1971-73

Publications
Poem, "Cowboy Up" published in an anthology by American Poets Society, 2004
Author, Jail House Religion, Xulon Press, 2004
Author, The Power of Holy Women, Xulon Press, 2003
Messianic Literary Corner published 45 poems, 2003+
Tract “Which Way To God” published on http://www.tracts.com/whichway.html, 1998
Several poems published on various web pages, 1997,1998,1999
Author, Metamorphosis, copyrighted, partially published collection of poetry, 1968-94
Article, “Why I Prefer Expository Preaching”, published in Canyonview Bible Seminary's Expositor, 1988

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Theology, Slidell Baptist Seminary, Slidell, LA, 2001, Summa Cum Laude
Master of Theology, Christian Bible College, Rocky Mount, NC, 2000, Summa Cum Laude
Bachelor of Religious Education , Administration minor, Piedmont Baptist College, Winston-Salem, NC, 1982, Cum Laude
Evangelical Teacher Training Association, Teachers Diploma, Winston-Salem, NC, 1982
Other study: Community College of the Air Force, Maxwell AFB, AL - 1975-78
Upper Iowa University, Fayette, IA - 1976-77
Interim Ministry For Today's Churches - 2000


Awards and Honors
Heritage Registry of Who's Who, 2006-2007
Editor's Choice Award, International Library of Poetry, 2003
America's Registry of Outstanding Professionals 2001-2002
Stratmore Who's Who, 2001-2002
Guest Class Speaker Texas A&M, Commerce, 1999
Gubernatorial Commendation by Texas Veterans Commission, 1999
Dallas VA Certificate of Pride in Public Service, 1999
Guest on the Kevin Bullard radio program KPBC AM 770,1997
Who's Who in the South and Southwest, 1996
Editor's Choice Award, National Library of Poetry, 1995
Who's Who in Poetry, 1992
United States Army Achievement Medal, 1990
Personal testimony dramatized for international radio program Unshackled, 1986
Outstanding Young Men of the South, 1981
United States Air Force Commendation Medal, 1978
Two USAF suggestion awards, 1976
NCO of the Quarter, 1975
Freedom Foundation Award, 1975

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