Expert: Rev. Robert Woods - 10/17/2007

Question
Dear Rev. Woods,

    I have been married 21 years and with great regret and shame, I have committed adultery twice in my marriage.  The last time was 8 years ago and I thought my husband had forgiven me until he left a month ago.  In the past 8 years, I have totally commited myself to God and try to live a Christian life.  I know that God has forgiven me for my sins but it is hard for me to understand why my husband cannot forgive me.  He will not talk to me like an adult or basically not talk to me at all.  He is not without sin either, according to what the Bible says he has committed adultery in our marriage also.  Can you give me some verses that maybe I can take to him to get him to understand that our marriage is worth saving??  Please pray for me and my family as we go through this difficult time in our lives.

Answer
Blessings and thank you for your question.

Forgiveness is not an easy thing.  Rest assured that if you have asked for forgiveness and have repented, then HE has forgiven you.  God not only forgives, HE forgets (Psalm 103:12).  It is hard for us to forget, even when we forgive.  The enemy continues to remind us of our sin.


1.  Here is the information you wanted on forgiveness:  As a theological term, forgiveness refers to God’s pardoning or passing away of the sins of human beings and His releasing them from the implications and effect of those deeds.
No religious book except the Bible teaches that God completely forgives sin (Ps. 51:1, 9; Is. 38:17; Heb. 10:17). The initiative comes from Him (John 3:16; Col. 2:13) because He is ready to forgive (Luke 15:11-32). He is a God of grace and pardon (Neh. 9:17; Dan. 9:9).
Sin deserves divine punishment because it is a violation of God’s holy character (Gen. 2:17; Rom. 1:18-32; 1 Pet. 1:16), but His pardon is gracious (Ps. 130:4; Rom. 5:6-8). In order for God to forgive sin, two conditions are necessary. A life must be taken as a substitute for that of the sinner (Lev. 17:11, 14; Heb. 9:22), and the sinner must come to God’s sacrifice in a spirit of repentance and faith (Mark 1:4; Acts 10:43; James 5:15).
Forgiveness in the New Testament is directly linked to Christ (Acts 5:31; Col. 1:14), His sacrificial death on the Cross (Rom. 4:24), and His resurrection (2 Cor. 5:15). He was the morally perfect sacrifice (Rom. 8:3), the final and ultimate fulfillment of all Old Testament sacrifices (Heb. 9:11-10:18). Since He bore the law’s death penalty against sinners (Gal. 3:10-13), those who trust in His sacrifice are freed from that penalty. By faith sinners are forgiven—“justified” (Rom. 3:28; Gal. 3:8-9). Those who are forgiven sin’s penalty are also freed to live beyond its controlling power in their lives (Rom. 6:1-23).
Christ’s resurrection was more than proof of His deity or innocence; it was related in a special way to His forgiveness. Christ’s resurrection was the act by which God demonstrated to all the incapability of sin to win over Him, or for the guilt He bore in our place to remain. It was God’s declaration of the perfect righteousness of His Son, the Second Adam, representing us—declaring His acceptance of Christ’s sacrifice (1 Tim. 3:16). Thus, in Him all who believe are acquitted and declared righteous, and thus, Christ’s resurrection was a necessary action to the forgiveness of man’s sins (1 Cor. 15:12-28), for it not only verified His dominion over sin and death, but certified the same to all His redeemed. To be forgiven is to be identified with Christ in the full triumph of His crucifixion and resurrection.
Christ has the authority to forgive sins (Matt. 1:21; Heb. 9:11-10:18). This forgiveness is an essential part of the gospel message (Acts 2:38; 5:31). But blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (attributing to Satan a deed done by Jesus through the power of God’s Spirit) is an unpardonable sin (Mark 3:28-29)—not because God cannot or will not forgive such a sin but because such a hard-hearted person has put himself beyond the possibility of repentance and faith.
God’s forgiveness of us demands that we forgive others, because grace brings responsibility and obligation (Matt. 18:23-35; Luke 6:37). Jesus placed no limits on the extent to which Christians are to forgive their fellowmen (Matt. 18:22, 35; Luke 17:4). A ceaselessly forgiving spirit shows that we are truly living as followers of Jesus the Lord (Matt. 5:43-48; Mark 11:25).


2.  In the case of your husband, I mourn with you.  However, if he has given up on the marriage, then only a change of heart will turn him around.  That change can only come from God through prayer.  

3.  There are a couple of resources that I can recommend to you.  First is R. T. Kendall's book, "Total Forgiveness", he has the best teaching ever on forgiving.
Secondly, Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

I pray that the Lord will continue to mend your hearts and draw you closer to Him.