Expert: Rev. Robert Woods - 5/17/2007

Question
Rev. Woods,

I apologize in advance that this will be long as I feel the need to give you all the background information so you can give me an accurate response.

My parents raised me Roman Catholic but I never really embraced that religion. I went to church on Sunday's because they made me. I went to confession once a month because they made me. I said grace before meals because they made me. I think you get the picture of my childhood.

When I became a teenager, I rebelled against my parents and became very promiscuous. I did what felt good and would make them mad.

At age 19, I met a man 10 years older than myself and I moved in with him 2 months after we met. Four months later we were married (not in the Catholic Church because he had been married and divorced twice before).

We had a daughter in 2002 and he finally got his previous marriages annulled by the Catholic Church, but I had reservations about going back to Catholicism and raising my daughter that way, so we never got our marriage "blessed" by the Church.

Our marriage gradually fell apart because we had nothing in common, the age gap was a major issue for him and he was very cold and unaffectionate towards me to the point where I felt I had to go outside the marriage to feel wanted and loved.

After I had my first affair and we separated, he told me he "missed me" that he had "forgiven me" and we attempted to work things out. After a few months of making a decent effort, he turned back to his old ways of putting me down and being cold and unaffectionate. He would constantly mention the affair and how hurt he was. I know that I hurt him badly but I feel that if he truly loved me and had forgiven me he would try harder to make it work and not bring it up in every fight.

After nearly 7 years of marriage, we were fighting daily (severe arguments) and it finally occurred to me that I don't think I ever really LOVED him. I cared for him a lot, but I was too young when we married to know what love was. It was after this revelation that I left him a 2nd time, never to return.

We are now divorced and he has gone back to attending Catholic services with my family (whom I rarely speak to since they found out about my earlier affair). He has also been taking my daughter to services. I'm concerned about this because I don't want her to grow up the way I did - with a certain religion FORCED upon her.

I have been seeing a wonderful man now for several months and I care deeply for him. I'm now old enough (28) to know what I want and don't want in a life partner. He is caring, affectionate and respectful towards me and my daughter. I have asked him if he would start going to church with me every week and he said "not to a Catholic church". I don't want to go back there either, so I have been researching other religions and feel that the Baptist Church may be where I belong!

Now on to my questions:

1) How do I come back to God after everything that I have done in my life? Where do I start?

2) How do I teach my daughter (who is only 5) that she has a CHOICE to believe in what she thinks is right and that she doesn't have to be "Catholic" if her heart is leading her somewhere else? (Keep in mind that my Ex will NOT be happy if I start taking her to "non-Catholic" services)

3) Up until now my boyfriend and I have been intimate with each other - we have discussed not being intimate anymore until we are married but his concern is that even if we are living together (without being intimate) it is still a sin - is he right?

Thank you in advance.

Answer
Blessings and thank you for your questions.

1. God has never left you.  Even when you were rebellious toward Him, He did not leave you nor forsake you.  All you need to do is to acknowledge Him.  Pray and ask for His forgiveness.  Pray and ask Him to come into your heart.  Ask Him to forgive you.  Ask Him to help you heal the hurts of the past. And start spending time with Him every day by talking to Him as you would a close friend and take time to read the Bible.  Start with the gospels and follow along from there.
2.  According to God's word, you are responsible for your child's faith.  I know that you feel your parents "made" you have faith, but if you love your daughter then you don't want her to end up in hell.  My advice is to take her to a good church that has a great children's ministry.  Then let God start to speak to her.  She is only 5, you SHOULD make her go to church.  Ten years from now, if you continue to take her to church, she will have her own relationship with God independent of you.  As far as what your "EX" says, tell him to get over it. You want your daughter to enjoy church and have her own faith in God.  
3.  Any sex outside of marriage is a sin.  But, you already knew that. It is difficult to begin a physical relationship with someone and then stop (especially for men).  You should get married.  The Bible says that we should not even have a hint of sexual immorality.  Whether you sleep together or not, living in the same household appears or hints at that sin.

I don't want to sound harsh.  God loves you and wants to have a relationship with you.  God is like a lover who is sick over the fact that He can't be with the one He loves.  THat love is you.