Expert: Mrs. Priscilla Lyons - 5/14/2006

Question
In the past six yrs my wife has had two seperate affairs, one she slept with the man the other she only kissed they were five yrs apart. She is sorry for both and her reasons were that she did not feel that  I was giving her the love she needed, Which is probaly true.Now we are trying to move on but my problem is that I cant seem to get away from what has happened. I often get very angry and hurt and stay that way for the whole day or even longer when I am reminded of her being with another man. after awhile I calm down but the more damage is done by me being angry  with her.I try but i can,t seem to stop almost at least once a week I get consumened with anger, how can I get over it and make our life better now? I try to forgive and I pray about it but it dosent seem to help.We dont want to split up but she dosent want to live like this and nor do I?

Answer
Dear Todd,
   I'm glad you've written.  By your willingness to face this situation and desire to deal with it with God's help, you've won half the battle.  
   I hope you will both consider fine-tuning your definition of the battle from whether you should or shouldn't split up on the basis of how you get along with each other, to how can you best encourage one another to "with open face beholding as in a glass (mirror) the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord." II Corinthians 3:18
   Your reliance on each other for fulfillment of love or other needs, will always face disappointment because all humans fall short of our created purpose of reflecting God's image of glory. (Rom.3:23, Gen.1:26)  Only God can fulfill our true needs so that we can enjoy one another without smothering each other.  
  God has allowed this "stab-in-the-back" experience for a reason.  If you seek His direction beyond His help for forgiveness, you may find the Holy Spirit's step by step (from glory to glory) help in changing into God's image.  As you surrender your life more and more for the Holy Spirit to change, your focus will be on your relationship with God, rather than on your relationship with your wife (but she will benefit).  In Matthew 22:36-40 Jesus mentions that the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all…  That's not for His benefit but for our benefit.  When we focus on the Source of all life, love, liberty, and justice, as we read His word each day, we then get some of His perspective on our situations.
  We can see how Israel played the harlot with God.  Read the book of Hosea, whose life showed that.  What your wife did to you, we have all done to God.  He made us to have a closer relationship with Him than we have with our spouse.  We often function otherwise, like trying to drive a car with sand in the gas tank, when it obviously wasn't designed for sand.  Neither were we designed to function apart from God.  That's why God hates divorce.  It breaks the relationship that is intended to mirror His love and relationship with us.
  Repairing the break in our relationship with God, cost Him the ultimate—He had to forsake His only begotten Son when He took our sins on Himself and paid for them.  Our forgiveness did not come cheaply.  Because of what sin cost God, and because of what sin causes in our lives and in the lives of others, we should want God to change us and change other people to be more like Him.  When you forgive your wife, it does not condone what she did.  Neither does God say her sin was no big deal or that your sins are no big deal.  Every time you get angry with her about her unfaithfulness, thank God that He forgives you when you put other loves in your life before Him.  
  Your wife will not be wanting to split up with you if God is in control of your life, instead of her past actions controlling your life.
  God can make your marriage better than it was before your wife was unfaithful.  Think of God using your pain to make you stronger, like a weight lifter pushes himself with pain to increase his strength.  
  I pray that your life will reflect God's love brighter than ever!
  Priscilla Lyons