Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 2/27/2004

Question
I am 22 years old and 2 months ago I married my college boyfriend.  We have both been dedicated Christians our whole lives and as such, we were both virgins at the time of our wedding.  I come from a very conservative Christian family and sex is not an easily addressed issue with them.  I'll just jump into my problem here... after so many years of saying "no" to sex, I am having a very hard time saying "yes".  My husband and I have talked it over on many occasions and he is such a patient and loving man that he never pressures me on the issue.  We do try to have intercourse- alot- I'm crazy about this man, but I get so nervous when I am unclothed that I tense up and get very emotional.  Whenever I have to undress around him I start crying and my heart starts racing.  After 2 months of trying we have still not actually had intercourse.  My husband and I have a very honest and open relationship and he has assured me that he bears no resentment towards me and he can wait while we take our time getting it right.  However, I hold grudges against myself and I feel like I am a terrible wife.  I am curious if this is a common problem amongst christian newlyweds?  And if so, how is it resolved?  I am hoping that you might guide me towards some biblical verses dealing with the union of man and woman, something to help me change my mind set so I may more fully enjoy this blessing of marriage.  

Answer
Hi Erica,

THank you for such an honest and open question.  You have a serious problem, but God can give you both victory!  You asked for scriptures, I will give you some, however, I strongly suggest that you get with your pastor ( or perhaps his wife) and/ or a christian counselor.  I have not seen this kind of fear a lot, but when I have seen it, it usually indicates some kind of sexual trauma earlier in life. Abuse, incest, or rape would produce these kinds of negative and fearful thoughts that you have about sex.  Let me assure you as a man who has been married for over 16 years, it is a beautiful and tender thing.  I will give some scriptures below.  I do suggest that you get a good marital study guide through the book of The SOng of Solomon.  The entire book is full of the beauty of the physical relationship between a man and a woman.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5


Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Hebrews 13:4
4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

The other advise that I could give you both is to build into the act gradually.  Set a romantic mood...  start with very slow and gradual for-play.  This may help you relax and get caught up in the emotion of the moment, rahter than the fear of the marriage act.  If your husband would like some more frank and direct adivse, have him e-mail me directly:  ebc@cleaninter.net

I hope that this helps you.  
In Christ,
Pastor Don