Expert: Rev. Robert Woods - 12/20/2007

Question
Hi,

My wife is only willing to have sex once per week and we set aside a particular time to perform it each week. My wife knows I need sex more than once per week. However, she is unwilling to do it more than once per week as she isn't very interested in doing it. So I masurbate during the rest of the week.

My question is am I sinning if during the times I masturbate I am thinking of my wife? I think my wife knows I resort to masturbation the rest of the week. However, should I tell her I masturbate to see if she will change her mind about having sex more often? What do you recommend I do? Am I doing anything wrong since my wife is the one causing the problem for me?

Answer
Blessings and thank you for your question.

I am sorry to hear of the difficulty you are having in your marriage.  Let's talk about your question first.

1.  Masturbation:  there are different views about this act.  It really does come down to lust.  If you are only thinking of your wife (which is almost impossible), then some would say it isn't a sin.  No matter what your wife is doing, lust is a sin.  I wouldn't tell your wife, she really won't understand (at least until step 3)

2.  Sex: What is God's purpose for sex?
  a.  obvious one to multiply
  b.  be fruitful (some would say this is the fun part)
  c.  to join a man and women together as one flesh "A man shall leave his father and mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh." Gen. 2:24   
God created us as sexual beings.  He intended for sex to be good.  That is why he made it pleasurable.  The idea that sex was a sin came several centuries into the early church.  They came up with the theology that sin was passed from generation to generation through sex.  But this is bad theology.  At the fall, we lost part of what made us good in the eyes of God.  We lost part of what made us "in His image."   God even gave women the desire for men, even though they would have pain in childbearing. Gen. 3:16.  Read 1 Corinthians 7.  In verse 5, Paul points out that a married couple should not go without having sexual relations, unless they agree to do so to pray and fast.  Why?? Because we are sexual beings, if we are intimate at home, then we are less likely to be engaging in sex outside the home.  So if you wife is denying the sexual or physical part of marriage, then she is in sin as well.  That does not mean ever time you want to have sex, she is obligated, but only setting aside a time once a week to have sex sounds like sin to me.

3.  How do you fix this problem.
        a.  I would advise you BOTH to read 2 books.  First, is The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman ISBN-13: 978-1881273158 and Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn ISBN-13: 978-1578563685.  Now I mean BOTH of you need to read these books.  Read a chapter, then sit down and talk about it.  

         b.  Counseling:  now if step A doesn't help or if she is unwilling to do step A then you need to sit down with someone and go to the heart of this problem.  There is some reason for your wife's attitude.  Maybe past hurt, self consciousness, or (as you will find in Gary Chapman's book) her love tank is empty.  
         c.  Marriage Retreats:  take her away one weekend to a Christian Marriage retreat.  There are a lot of good ones out there.  My wife and I have a great marriage, but we still like to go to these every few years to re-energize our marriage.

I pray and hope that the Lord will work miracles in your lives.  Blessings