Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 10/26/2007

Question
QUESTION: "Hi,

I have a question for you on marriage. I know a couple who is not legally married, nor have they been married in a church, but they did exchange vows at home, in their living room. They did it very religiously, praying in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and they exchanged rings.

The Lord God was their minister and their guardian angels were the witnesses. The only things which were lacking were the human witnesses and the human minister. They were sincere and they are planning a church wedding in a few months.

From what I understand a marriage union occurs when the couple exchange vows.

From your understanding do you think that in the eyes of God this is a married couple? If they live together are they living in sin?

Thank You!! - Joshua"


ANSWER: Hi Joshua,

Thank you for this interesting question.  I have to tell you that I do not think that it is marriage, but I am not absolutely sure.  I do know that marriage is a covenmant.

Malachi 2:14
14 Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

It seems to me that where possible, this covenant should be a public one.  I am very suspicious about any business "agreement" that is made in private without any written documentation or visible witnesses.  If these folks were on a desert island and made that marriage covenant, fine.... but why not make it public?  It is that public commitment that helps enforce the promises made.

I hope that this helps some.

In Christ
Pastor Don

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Pastor Don,

I was not completely honest with you about my question. I didn't lie, but the couple I know is me and my girlfriend.

We plan to get married sometime next year. We still have a lot of planning and arrangements to make. I need her to sign a pre-nup, which will take time. She has agreed, but it will take time and I find such things very stressful.

We were going to do it in a public fashion, with one human witness, who is a friend of mine. I was planning to gather the 3 of us (where ever 2 or more are gathered in my name, I am in your midst), have the 2 of us recognize him as our overseer, and then have me and my girlfriend exchange vows with him as witness and have him declare us married in the name of the Trinity. But in the end we just decided to do it on our own.

We were completely sincere and we do not plan to cheat on each other. We exchanged vows in the name of Christ and acknowledged that our guardian angels would be our witnesses. Nothing is hidden from God. We exchanged rings, and that in itself is a public declaration.

I was willing to wait. But I don't want to sin when I'm with her and I didn't want to burn either, as Paul says. This way there is no sin. I have no doubts that we are truly married, but I'm just wondering what the opinions of the experts would be. I've asked a few men on this site about there opinions. I've gotten some who said we are not married and some who said that we are, even though most who say that we are married still don't approve of the way we did it.

But in the end we will have a legal and public wedding. It's not that far off.

Do you have any comments on this?

ANSWER: Hi again,

In my oppinion, that is not a Biblical marriage, because you have other options.  God has ordained government see Romans 13.  The world around you will see you as simply shacking up.  The Bible tells us not to let our good be evil spoken of.  Your testimony will be ruined... all because you are waiting on a legal document that will protect you if the two of you do not stick to your marital vows.... and you want to start those vows in secret?  If you really thought that those vows were binding, then you would not even do them in private until the pre-nup is signed.

Just my thoughts.

In Christ
Pastor Don

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,

Thanks again. I know it was kind of in secret, but not really. We are not keeping it a secret. I've told people and we plan to tell her family. The rings are a public declaration. If we feel that it is wrong we can repeat our vows in front of a witness or two. But Jesus said that this kingdom is not of this world. The only government created directly by God was the Israelite theocracy. But I don't see how it is the government which has to approve and marriage. It is God who does the approving. In history many people were married in secret, even members of the nobility.

One reason I don't think that the government has anything to do with it is that in some countries a wedding is/was not recognized by the government unless it is/was performed as a civil wedding, church weddings mean nothing. I believe this is the case in France, and I know it was the case in communist countries. So if someone had a church wedding in those countries would the marriage be invalid in God's eyes because the government of that country does not recognize it?

In some countries a wedding is not valid if it is performed by a certain religious group. In South Africa, in the late 1800s a marriage was not legal unless it was performed by a Christian clergyman, therefore all Muslim and Hindu weddings were considered invalid according to the government. So in God's eyes were these unbelievers sinning when the slept with their wives?

Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's. God decides who is married when the couple make a marriage covenant. The state might want to involve itself in that, but the state is not the entity which makes it a sin or not for a man to sleep with a woman, it is God who decides when it is a sin or not, not the state. It is God which joins this union, not the state. As Jesus said: What God has joined let no man put asunder. The state did not do the joining, it was God.

And in the Old Testament I don't know if there even was a marriage ceremony. A woman came to live with her husband, the union was consummated, the whole community knew about it and that was that. The government made no declaration, neither did any rabbi (there were no rabbis in early Judaism). The man got the approval from his wife's father and the couple began to live together, and the marriage was considered contracted, as far as I know. And that was it.

We haven't kept it a secret. The rings bare witness. So I believe we are married. Not legally, but so what, that will happen soon enough.

-Josh

Answer
Hi Josh.

It sounds like you have already made up your mind.  I could take issue with your whole post, but, like I said, you have already decided on this issue.  You said " The only government created directly by God was the Israelite theocracy"  That is not true.  Look at what Paul said about the government "powers that be".

Rom 13:1  Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.
Rom 13:2  Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation

I wish you well in your marriage/ live in situation.

In Christ
Pastor Don