Expert: Cooper P. Abrams III - 2/21/2004

Question
Hello, my name is John.  I don't really know much about you, but I would deeply appreciate some advice.  I have been dating this girl now for a while and I think she may be the one.  I like her and she likes me, and we are both strong Christians.  The problem comes in, is that she wants to move to Puerto Rico (her homeland) in a couple years to be close to her family.  I would rather stay in the states, because my family is in the states.  Is there any verses in the Bible that talks about a woman or man leaving and sacrificing to be with the person they want to be with. Someone mentioned the story of Ruth.  I would appreciate any advice possible, because the girl has made it clear to me, she will be moving to Puerto Rico 100%and i don't want to throw away our relationship.  Thank You  

Answer
John,
   I almost decided not to reply to your question because it is quite personal, but you seriously ask for advise and I will try as best I can.
    Ephesians 5:21-33 gives instruction to a husband and wife.  It also gives principles that make a good marriage.
It begins saying that wives should submit to their husbands....as unto the Lord.  The princple is that the wife follows the leadeship of the husband in the same way we all follow the Lord's leadership. It further says in V31 says a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.  The same thought not stated applies to the wife. The couple should understand they are starting a new family and should not be dependent or too attached to their mom and dad.  The jokes about inlaw problems and husbands and wives who will not leave their parents...is based on truth.   We love our parents and honor them all our lives...but we leave them and start a new family.  
   The wife should be submissive to her husband and that includes joining with her husband...because they are one.  Your girl friend being 100% positive about moving shows that she has a domineering personality and is also selfish.  In a good marriage the wife follows the husband.  That sets a proper God ordained relationship and example in the marriage and in the family with children.   The father and husband has the responsiblity to lead and provide for his family.  A wife who dominates her husband destroys that biblical model that God created and sets a course that leads to greater problems.  Experience shows  that what ever problems exist before marriage will escalate afterwards.   What may a a minor tolerable thing now can in time become a major irritaion.
   You are fortunate that  the Lord has allowed you to see these character traits of this girl before hand so that you can make a proper decision.
   When you are making the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone who will be your wife, partner and mother of your children it is vital.....I mean vital to make that decision based on reality and biblical prinicples.
    Emotional attraction, believe me, will wane in time, but in a good marriage you will later be drawn together deep felt true love that unselfishly wishes and strieves for one's partners best...  Selfishness in the beginning of a marriage sets a course for real problems.
    My relutance to answer, I hope,  shows you that I probably have a good idea as to how you emotional feel about her.   However, there is so much more....much more to be considered.  I have been a pastor for a quarter of a century and I have seen so many who married deeply in love who turned out later to be enemies...and divorced.  You know the heartache that brings.   I have given some the same advice as I am giving you....and they "knew" everything would work out.  Sadly, most of the time it didn't...things grew worse.
    You mentioned that you wondered if you should submit to her wanting to live in Puerto Rico...  John,  she should love you completely and be submissive to you... leaving her family and commiting herself to you.  God in the family directs through the man.  Yes, he uses the wife also, but the leadership must be with the husband and father for a stable and well balanced marriage.   She has given you an ultimatium....and she is showing you she is not willing to submit to you or understands what a marriage should be.
     You will have to pray in earnest about this....remembering also that God does not lead us to violate His biblical prinicples.    This may be a good test for you...to set the pattern of you life of obeying God's word and trusting the circumstances to Him.
     I have a dear friend whom I taught as a teenager in Sunday School.  She had many offers of marriage and she wanted a husband and family...but she wanted the one the Lord choose for her.  She refused to compromise biblical princples.  She was 39 when she finally was married .and that was ten years ago and they are very happy and have strong Christian marriage.  
     It may appear I am a little one sided is this, but based on biblical principle...it is the best advice I can give.   I hope is helps and that God lead you each step through this.  If I can help further please write.
Cooper Abrams