Expert: Dr. Ronald E. Shultz - 12/1/2005

Question
Hi. I have many questions, doubts and worries. I have came across your site and I am seeking answers in prayer, however I thought perhaps you could give me your personal opinion.

I am very confused about my Faith and relationship with The Lord and I would appreciate any feedback from you.

Well here goes...I am just going to tell you everything.

November 5th, 2004 A Pastor showed me from The Bible how to be saved. I prayed right then and there and asked The Lord to forgive me of my sins and come into my heart. You have to understand something though, I was a wicked, rebellious, sin-enslaved 22 year old. In fact, I was "bad" in world standards. I felt no remorse in lying, I was a constant blatant liar and I lied so much I didn't even know I was lying! I really didn't know what truth was! I felt almost no natural affection, years of drinking and drugs did away with that. Anyways, the point is, I prayed and spoke without even thinking, I now see that. I now understand I had no idea what I was getting myself into. By saying that prayer I Was asking to be saved, but I din't even know if I even believed in a God, a creator of the universe. You see, that is the kind of person I am. I do everything mainly by instinct and feeling. (Not knowing what I get myself into or the consequences) I now see verses The Lord has shown me, -"Their mind defiled, and concience seared" or "Do you not know if Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobate"? So anyways, after that prayer I started to meet with my Pastor and do the A to Z Christian Discipleship program. At night, I would pray. Then something happened. When I would pray many nights, I would actually feel a prescence of love sweep over me, it was the most loving feeling I ever felt. I soon started to pray more and that feeling would be with me in my bedroom at night. My prayers began to get answered much. I mean undeniable proofs of God. I mean I would ask to lead me to someone who he desires to see saved, and that day while I would be doing my daily duties and handing out tracts he would lead me to someone out of nowhere who would get saved! Just after I asked him! Many prayers were answered, we spent time together at night. But then, for months he would show me verses in my quiet time, to that of "I do not frustrate the grace of God, for if salvation come by works, Christ is dead in vain" and "For we are not justified by the law, but by faith" and so on. The same verses I believe The Lord led me to for months. I could not understand what he was trying to show me. I remember about this time, I started to stress myself out and felt spiritual bondage on my mind through out the days, I first thought it's cause I was worrying so much but I've come to find out more I believe since then. Anyways, during the fist few months, I believe The Church came to start seeing me as one who loves God and has a passion for him. In fact that is all I could and would think of is The Lord. I KNEW he was real. I felt him many times, he answered almost if not all prayers I had asked for! But later on, as the months went on, as I would pray in groups during mid-week service I felt me start to realize I would say things without even thinking. I now see I dazzled and deceived (unintentionally) my fellow brethren with the words I spoke, but i now see, I was not even aware of what I was speaking? Do you see what I am saying? So I went home and I remember asking The Lord -"Lord, if I am a fraud, please expose me as the fraud I am" The next sermon at Church preaced by my Pastor was about "Hypocrites" I took it as an attack by my Pastor on me. After the service I confronted him, and we argued, I left on bad terms. I then realized The Lord had once again, answered a prayer. Since then, I have had no peace. I have tried my best to repent, and probably asked The Lord to save me 8 or 10 times in the last couple weeks. Still no peace. The Lord has shown me from his word these verses. "Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof", and "having a reprobate mind".

What do I do when it seems like The Lord has rejected me? Was I under the power of Satan this whole time? I thought I was saved, but I don't know now. I think I want to live by God's word and follow Jesus, but it seems like I am reprobate and The Lord has rejected me. To make things worse now, when I try and pick up God's Word now, I have lost faith and when I try and watch the creation videos I borrowed, I begin to doubt now. I have lost all passion to serve God. I wonder was it ever truly there? And If I have been deceiving myself this whole last year, is there any hope for The Lord forgiving me and making me a true child after all these abominations and blasphemies? Or am I just worrying too much?

I would really appreciate your feedback.

Answer
“Hi. I have many questions, doubts and worries. I have come across your site and I am seeking answers in prayer, however I thought perhaps you could give me your personal opinion.”

Patrick, my opinion means nothing but the Word of God is everything and I will base my reply upon that for your sake and mind.

“I am very confused about my Faith and relationship with The Lord and I would appreciate any feedback from you.”

You aren't the first and you won't be the last.  I have had doubts myself and even struggled with something similar to your experience.

Well here goes...I am just going to tell you everything.

“November 5th, 2004, a Pastor showed me from The Bible how to be saved. I prayed right then and there and asked The Lord to forgive me of my sins and come into my heart.”

First, let me say that you are just past a year old in the Lord.  At one year old in mortal years, how much did you know or understand?  It is pretty much the same in spiritual years.  

“You have to understand something though; I was a wicked, rebellious, and sin-enslaved 22 years old. “

I was 22 when I was saved and had been voted most likely to be in jail in high school.  

“In fact, I was "bad" in world standards. I felt no remorse in lying, I was a constant blatant liar and I lied so much I didn't even know I was lying! I really didn't know what truth was! I felt almost no natural affection, years of drinking and drugs did away with that.”

I was a great liar as well.  I even convinced myself at times that what I was saying was the truth.  I experimented with a little grass and hashish, but alcohol was my drug of choice.  “Bad”, yeah that would describe me pretty much.  Your daughter, sister, mother and maybe even your grandmother would not have been safe around me.  If you were my best friend of all time back then your women folk were still fair game.  I'd say that I lacked natural affection. Bad is probably a mild term.

“Anyways, the point is, I prayed and spoke without even thinking, I now see that. I now understand I had no idea what I was getting myself into. “

Neither did I know exactly what I was getting into.  The pastor asked if was a sinner and I knew enough about the 10 Commandments to know that I had blown them to pieces in word, thought or deed.  He asked if I wanted to go to Hell and I said that I had told plenty of people to go there but I wasn't planning on making a personal visit.  He asked if I was told a way to stay out of Hell would I take it and I said I'd be a fool not to take it.   He did the Roman's Road thing and my wife and I prayed and stuff happened that I never expected.  I went to get a dude off my back and wound up saved.

“By saying that prayer I was asking to be saved, but I didn't even know if I even believed in a God, a creator of the universe.”

I think I deep down believed in God but I was into the Star Trek and alien thing thinking Jesus might have been an alien, but when we started talking in that room all that just faded away.

“You see, that is the kind of person I am. I do everything mainly by instinct and feeling. (Not knowing what I get myself into or the consequences)”

Dude, if you were older I would say that you are my long lost twin brother.  Jesus talks about fishing for men.  It takes different lures for different fish.  I had something “emotional” come over me at the end of that service.  I didn't think, “I am being drawn by the Holy Spirit to be saved.”  My phrase was “Something told me that there was something going on here that I need to know about.”  I grabbed my wife's hand and drug her with me.  She thought she was cool because she had been sprinkled as a baby so she didn't go to that church looking for anything either but she got saved that day.

“I now see verses The Lord has shown me, -"Their mind defiled, and conscience seared" or "Do you not know if Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobate"?”

I don't think the Lord gave you those verses especially since they are out of context.  Like do you think the devil threw up his hands the day you got saved and said, “Oh well, I have to quit bugging Patrick since he went off and got saved.”?  No way, he lost a good soldier and he is ticked.  One of his best tools is doubt and he adds depression to that along with “God can't love the bum that I am” in various forms and flavors.  

1 Tim 4:1-3
1 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;
2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;
3 Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. KJV

These are preachers and false prophets, not just your average dude.  These lads were never saved but hung out like Judas and ma have even went to seminary but nothing rubbed off so they make up their own stuff and pass it off as truth.  In fact, this passage hammers the Roman Catholic Church and their priesthood and doctrine but it isn't for you.  

2 Cor 13:5-6

5 Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?
6 But I trust that ye shall know that we are not reprobates. KJV

The Corinthians doubted Paul's apostleship cuz the really cool looking Doctors from Jerusalem showed up with all kinds of pedigrees while Paul looked pretty rough from all the beatings that he took and was a real fancy speaker.  

Paul, said that since I brought you the Gospel you better examine yourselves cuz if I am not Apostle then you are unsaved reprobates.

Context, history and grammar bring about proper interpretation and keep you from these types of self-incriminations.  That is why you need more study.  Faith cometh y hearing and hearing by the Word of God but you need to be in Church where folks experienced in the Word and in their relationship with Christ can help you come to right conclusions.

“So anyways, after that prayer I started to meet with my Pastor and do the A to Z Christian Discipleship program. At night, I would pray. Then something happened. When I would pray many nights, I would actually feel a presence of love sweep over me, it was the most loving feeling I ever felt. I soon started to pray more and that feeling would be with me in my bedroom at night. My prayers began to get answered much. I mean undeniable proofs of God. I mean I would ask to lead me to someone who he desires to see saved, and that day while I would be doing my daily duties and handing out tracts he would lead me to someone out of nowhere who would get saved! Just after I asked him! Many prayers were answered; we spent time together at night.”

All that doesn't happen to someone not saved, Brother.  God had a receiving blanket on you just like when they carry home a baby from the hospital.  You were being fed and rocked.  No problems there.

“But then, for months he would show me verses in my quiet time, to that of "I do not frustrate the grace of God, for if salvation come by works, Christ is dead in vain" and "For we are not justified by the law, but by faith" and so on. The same verses I believe The Lord led me to for months. I could not understand what he was trying to show me.”

In your zeal and newfound love for God you were most likely rejoicing in all that was happening but unconsciously moving from a walk of faith into a walk of works.  Those verses were trying to get you back walking in faith like you received Him.  

“I remember about this time, I started to stress myself out and felt spiritual bondage on my mind through out the days, I first thought it's cause I was worrying so much but I've come to find out more I believe since then.”

Yep, why were you stressed out?  You were not walking in simple faith to trust Him even if you didn't understand those verses.  You were putting at least some confidence in your flesh and the flesh didn't understand the verses (which it can't) and you stifled the flow of the Spirit that works without the help of the flesh.

“Anyways, during the fist few months, I believe The Church came to start seeing me as one who loves God and has a passion for him. In fact that is all I could and would think of is The Lord. I KNEW he was real. I felt him many times, he answered almost if not all prayers I had asked for! But later on, as the months went on, as I would pray in groups during mid-week service I felt me start to realize I would say things without even thinking. I now see I dazzled and deceived (unintentionally) my fellow brethren with the words I spoke, but I now see I was not even aware of what I was speaking? Do you see what I am saying?”

I see where a church failed to help ground a young novice.  Yes, sometimes we are able to speak things that are beyond our experience because we are just learning and get bits and pieces of the puzzle.  The pieces are beautiful and if we aren't careful we get wrapped up in the bits and pieces and forget to get the whole puzzle and forget who made the puzzle.

So I went home and I remember asking The Lord -"Lord, if I am a fraud, please expose me as the fraud I am" The next sermon at Church preached by my Pastor was about "Hypocrites" I took it as an attack by my Pastor on me. After the service I confronted him, and we argued I left on bad terms. I then realized The Lord had once again, answered a prayer.

Dude, you gave the devil the ball bat he wanted to beat you with.   I did something very similar.  In my zeal I told the Lord, “Even if the devil convinces me I'm going to Hell, I'll still preach for you cuz I know You are real.”   Guess what, shortly thereafter I did something I thought was the unpardonable sin and went on a wild roller coaster of emotions.  The devil said man I have him now.  Shoot, we are all hypocrites at some time or another for we don't always live up to what we know.  

“Since then, I have had no peace. I have tried my best to repent, and probably asked The Lord to save me 8 or 10 times in the last couple weeks. Still no peace. The Lord has shown me from his word these verses. "Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof" and "having a reprobate mind."

Let's see you blasted a pastor that had no clue what was coming off because even if God was answering your prayer the message may have been to show you that you weren't one but you turned the dude off when you heard the title.  You shut him down and the Holy Spirit and you I imagine you haven't reconciled with him so that is one barrier to peace.
God answered your prayer in November 2004 but you keep asking Him to do something he has already done in essence calling Him a liar.  That is a barrier of peace as well.

You have faulty study interpretation pattern and rely upon emotion and fragments out of context.  That is also a barrier for peace.

“2 Tim 3:5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. KJV”

These are lost, false prophets that use Christianity for their own evil purposes.  Have you been using religion to get into women's beds or any of the other stuff?  I doubt it.  The devil is jerking your chain.

The other verse I am going to let that pastor explain it to you when you go back and reconcile with him.  

“What do I do when it seems like The Lord has rejected me? “

John 6:37 All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. KJV

You came to Christ in essence like a child in simple faith.  You came to Him, He didn't cast you out or reject you.

Eph 4:30 And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. KJV

You have most likely grieved the Spirit because of the fight with the pastor and by calling God a liar by asking Him to save you a bunch of times and by putting more faith in your works and emotions than in His Word.  

“Was I under the power of Satan this whole time? I thought I was saved, but I don't know now.”

You have been listening to the devil but you aren't under his control as far as being lost.  

1 John 5:11-13

11 And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.
12 He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life.
13 These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God. KJV

If you believe the record and by your testimony you called on Him and have seen fruit in your life then you need hold on to verse 13 and walk in faith/trust that He will do what He says. Never doubt in the dark what you believed in the light.

I think I want to live by God's word and follow Jesus, but it seems like I am reprobate and The Lord has rejected me. To make things worse now, when I try and pick up God's Word now, I have lost faith and when I try and watch the creation videos I borrowed, I begin to doubt now. I have lost all passion to serve God. I wonder was it ever truly there? And If I have been deceiving myself this whole last year, is there any hope for The Lord forgiving me and making me a true child after all these abominations and blasphemies? Or am I just worrying too much?

It is right to be concerned about the thoughts and such, but does 1 John 1:9 say that He will forgive all sins or just some?  Is there a time limit or amount?  No.  David said that his sins went over his head.  God forgave David of two sins that carried the death penalty.  That was under law and we are under grace.  

“I would really appreciate your feedback.”

Hopefully, you still do appreciate the feedback. My intent is to shock you out of the emotional roller coaster and get you back on track.  Please get back into church.  Chill out and learn from the pastor and ask for a good book on hermeneutics (interpretational principles) from him.  May God richly bless you as you rest in His love.  

Finally, if you were a reprobate you wouldn't be asking me anything not having the struggles you are having.  If your mind was truly darkened and your conscience seared then you wouldn't be asking about hope or wondering about forgiveness.

Father, place a hedge of protection around Patrick's heart and mind and keep the evil one from lying to him.  Grant him peace as he trusts You and rests in Your love.  In Jesus' name. Amen!