Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 2/5/2007

Question
Hi - As a christian woman i was hoping you could help me advise a friend of mine who is a new christian and is coming to me for advice. I have been a christian for 15 years but am seeking some wisdom from other godly christians!
She is divorced and re-married for 3 years. She has a 10 yr old from a prior marriage and a 3 yr old from her present marriage. The problem is that her husband shows favoritism to his biological child - spends more time with her - cuddles her more - etc. This is hurtful to everyone really. She has  talked about it with him more than once but his tendency is to always want to be with "his" kid and not "her" kid.
He is a christian and grew up as one - but also from a divorced family. i encouraged her to let him know lovingly and not out of anger how it hurts her and the boy to see the favoritism - and to not nag all the time about it - and to praise him for any good that he does. But he really needs to get on the ball and CHOOSE to love this kid instead of just relying on his feelings of love only.
any other adice/books/etc you would reccomend to encourage him to love these children equally?
thx

Answer
Hello Annemarie,

Thanks for this great question.  I am glad that this lady is seeking some good advice in this hard situation.  Your statement toward the end of your post is right on!  Love is a CHOICE not merely an emotion.  I have preached on this subject in the past.  Below is a sermon that outlines 10 ways you can recognizing that you are making the choice to show true Godly love.

Ten Ways to Recognize True Love
I Corinthians 13:4-7
Preached Sunday, January 19, 2003 – PM Service

Introduction:

  This morning we were reminded of the fact that love is needed in all of our Christian activities.  We saw that a soul winner without love is just noisy.  We saw that even if a person proclaims God's revelation by unveiling mysteries, expounding knowledge and demonstrating faith; without love he is nothing.  We saw that sacrifice must be accompanied by true agape love, or there will be no reward.

  With all of this in mind, it is imperative that we learn how to recognize true love.  This kind of agape love is not an emotion.  It is characterized by a series of choices made.  Ask God to examine your heart and expose your true motives as we study ten ways to recognize true agape love.

I.   Agape love is long suffering

1 Corinthians 13:4 - Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

A.   It puts up with slights and neglects

2 Timothy 2:25-26 - 25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; 26 And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.
  
B.   Will not get easily offended

Psalm 119:165 - Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.  

II.   Agape love is kind – searches for opportunities to do good to the object of love

Luke 6:34-36 - 34 And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. 35 But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. 36 Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

III.   Agape love envies not

A.   Envy is an indicator of the presence of evil

James 3:14-16 - 14 But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. 15 This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.  16 For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.


1 Peter 2:1 - Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings,

B.   Is others focused

Philippians 2:3 - Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

IV.   Agape love subdues pride and vainglory


A.   Does not brag

B.   Is not proud

Proverbs 13:10 - Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.

V.   Agape love does not misbehave

1 Corinthians 13:5 - Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

A.   Is courteous

1 Peter 3:8 - Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:

B.   Will never tempt to sin with the phrase: "If you love me…"

VI.   Agape love does not seek her own – is others-centered

1 Corinthians 12:25 - That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

Philippians 2:4 - Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

VII.   Agape love is not easily provoked, or hot-tempered

Proverbs 14:17 - He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is hated.

James 1:19-20 - 19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

VIII.   Agape love thinks no evil

A.   Is not suspicious or mistrusting in nature

Genesis 31:32 - With whomsoever thou findest thy gods, let him not live: before our brethren discern thou what is thine with me, and take it to thee. For Jacob knew not that Rachel had stolen them.


B.   Often suspicion betrays the one of whom people should be suspicious!

2 Samuel 10:1-5 - And it came to pass after this, that the king of the children of Ammon died, and Hanun his son reigned in his stead. 2 Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me. And David sent to comfort him by the hand of his servants for his father. And David’s servants came into the land of the children of Ammon. 3 And the princes of the children of Ammon said unto Hanun their lord, Thinkest thou that David doth honour thy father, that he hath sent comforters unto thee? hath not David rather sent his servants unto thee, to search the city, and to spy it out, and to overthrow it?  4 Wherefore Hanun took David’s servants, and shaved off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks, and sent them away. 5 When they told it unto David, he sent to meet them, because the men were greatly ashamed: and the king said, Tarry at Jericho until your beards be grown, and then return.

IX.   Agape love has pleasure…

1 Corinthians 13:6 - Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

A.   Not in evil things

Romans 1:32 - Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.  

B.   Only in truth

3 John 4 - I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.

X.   Agape love will last

1 Corinthians 13:7 - Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

A.   Bears all things – putting a veil over sin
Proverbs 10:12 - Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.

1 Peter 4:8 - And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

B.   Believes all things – believing good about the object of love

Philippians 1:6 - Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:  

C.   Never gives up hope for repentance and reform

2 Timothy 2:25-26 - 25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; 26 And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.  

D.   Weathers all storms
Genesis 29:20 - And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.
_____________

One other thing to remember is that she cannot try to be the Holy Spirit in her husband's life.  If she constantly tries to convict him of his sin, she will come across as a nag, feel to be spiritually superior over her leader, and drive a wedge between them.  She should commit this thing to prayer.  God knows how to adjust our behavior if we need it.  He has promised that He would do that.  She needs to sit back and let God deal with her husband on God's time.

Philippians 1:6
6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:  

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

I hope that this is a help to you.

In Christ,
Pastor Don