Expert: Mrs. Priscilla Lyons - 9/9/2006

Question
I came to the alter to accept Christ at the age of 17 in 1982, I left 11 months later to join the Navy and went to Great Lakes Illinois for around a year and a half.
I got assigned overseas and before long I fell into sexual sin, partying and fornication.....from 1984 -1987 I just lived for my flesh rather than God and put my Bible away.
I left and came back to San Diego and triedd to get back into church out of fear and did for a while but still struggled with sexual sin and was living with a girlfriend in sin
I married a woman in 1989 just before coming back to great lakes because she was not a citizen and I felt bad if I left her there.
things got worse...........
I started to go out and watch blues bands and decided (unfortunately) that I wanted to play drums in a band
I bought a set in the beginning of 1991 and 3 months later my mother died of cancer...I felt guilty and covered them for a while, but later started to play then in a band.
around the age of 30 (1994) I started toying with the feelings of wishing I was divorced and with someone I had fallen in love with...which was just more lust and evil on my part as I has earlier fallen into porn that fueled this lust ..I ran further and further from God , my desires for the worlkdy things were so strong and I refused to give them up and Come back to God's way. I was loving the things of this World more than Loving God.
I discovered a new band online in 1996 and when I went out to practice we later went to a club and I met a woman who I unfortunately gave my address
she eventually wrote me and the lust and desires to be free from my marriage became worse.....I started to become adulterous and sexually sinned with  women at work and was staying around late to cheat with this woman who wrote me...my wife and I started arguing a lot as she was angry at my being away and seemed to know I was up to something
I divorced thinking I was going to have something better...There were times I sensed stopping but I continued with the Divorce, There were pastors and witnesses coming to the house, but I hardened myself and would not let them in nor listen to them.
After the divorce,I then proceeded to date and have sex with many different women ( which I now realize was all adultery)
after two years the band broke up and I moved into where I now live with a new girlfriend
she left in 2000,,,I then fell into internet porn and masturbation as well as having phone sex and sex on cam and in chat rooms with many different women.
I am very scared of all this adultery and fornication as well as the wickedness of the divorce being unforgivable, because I was enjoying it and just kept doing it.
in 2004 I felt moved to get back into the Word but gave up again and went back into video games
This year in January I realized again that all I was doing was folly and wanted to just live for God and got back into the Words and asked for His forgiveness
I was doing well for a while until I read the passages in Hebrews 6:4-9, Hebrews 10:26-31 and 2Peter 2:20
Now I feel condemned to to the long years of wilfull sin and how I willfully plotted to be single again and leave my wife(there were times in court I felt the idea in my head to just drop the divorce and take her home now I really wish I did) I am very afraid of all the years of wilfull sin
I just want Jesus....I want to Live for Him totally. I can't believe how the years just slid by with me deeper and deeper in sin. I walked away from Chrsit and studying Bible to follow selfish fleshly pleasures and sin. I am afraid now of there being no sacficfice nor grace for me according to Hebrews chapters 6 and 10.
it seems to say that someone like me who went into a lifestyle of sin like I did for a long time has no more sacrafice available.
I am very sorry for the mistakes I have made...
help is there still hope for me?
does anyone know of anyone else like me?

I walked away feeling that I could not live up to the Life  and desired the things of this World and now it seems that The Word says that  by rejecting living for Christ and going back into the world, that I have no more sacrifice, and that to come back Christ would have to die for me again. That by my living for sin for over 20 years since coming to Christ that I have trodden under the Son of God and am unredeemable.

I am so depressed and scared.



I am also feeling scared that I blasphmied the Holy Spirit

There were times when I was with my first band that I always felt a sense of a prodding thart would never allow me to fully enjoy the sins I was doing

when I went to divorce my wife, and got in the new band I just wanted my fun and for that conviction to go away

I ignored pastors sent by the Holy Spirit and Ignored conviction of the Holy Spirit knowing I was sinning and I am afraid that is why I don't sense forgivness

Twice a pastor came to my door and I asked Him to leave

Once a pastor called me on the phone and I told him tha tI did not care what he said I was divorcing my wife antway
and I once walked into a prayer meeting after having to drive back home to get a drunm I forgot and felt conviction and left.

Several times at the courthouse
I sense being told lightly to stop and just give my wife a hug and go home, but I ignored it

and the day I moved my stuff out I sensed conviction as well and still went through with it.

I feel doomed.


I am dealing with a sense that because I accepted Christ at 17, and then left Him to live for sin and flesh in a lifestyle of sin that Hebrews Chapters 6 and 10 are saying that one who leaves Christ to live in a life style of sin has no more sacrifice and is not accepted in repentance.

I also and in a termoil over the fact that when I had filed for divorce, Pastors attempted to visit me and I sensed a hardening come over me and refused to listen to them, as they wer eleaving I felt a sadness and darkenss and am scared of that being blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

I also walked in on a prayer meeting where they were praying and laughed and scoffed about them being a cult and wonder the same there, if that was blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.

There was also the day I was packing my truck up to leave and I felt the same erie feeling and sadness.

I also had times in court where I felt a nudge to just drop the whole thing, but I ignored that voice and went through with the divorce anyways. I  fear because I kept running from God to live for sin and selfish pleasure  I aslo fel scared that given all the times I was convicted to stop the divorce and din't that I am unpardonable


jeff


Answer
If you still have a voice speaking to guide you to make Christlike decisions, that must be His voice.  If there's no hope for a person, why would He still speak to them?
The unforgiveable sin is to die having rejected Christ.
Is His way the best, or your way?  If it's His, then you're His.  Let Him change your life to be more like His, daily.