Expert: Cooper P. Abrams III - 5/14/2006

Question
Dear sir,
Help.  In the past six yrs my wife has had two affairs. one she slept with the man and the other wich was five yrs later she met over the internet and then met in person and kissed him. Both times she was sorry for doing so . her reasons was that she did not feel loved and cherished by me to wich I can understand to a point. I have been very selfish have always had time for things I wanted and not her. and I have been critical to point out things about the way she might dress or something.any way , while I can understand her seeking love elsewhere my problem lies in getting over what has happened and getting on with our life. I love her very much and she does me. Some times we are doing great and then I see or hear something that reminds me of her being with someone else and I get very hurt and angry for the whole day or even a few days. And then I get over it but each time more damage is done. I try to forgive I try to pray but it just keeps happening,things will be going good and the all of a sudden I see her in my mind with this other guy and I get almost consumed with anger. How do I get over it. She dosent want to live with a dr jeckle and mr. hide and I can,t seem to stop it. Any help would be appreaciated.

Answer
Todd,
  Sorry to be slow to answer...Several things in the ministry have kept me very busy.

  I think there are several things you should consider.  You do not say if you are a Christian or not, but I will assume that you are.   Therefore God's principles apply to how we respond to the problems and difficulties we face.

  First, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25)

  This love is an unconditional love which is the kind of love God shows us in offering us His mercy and grace.   So to love means to forgive.  You must forgive and put it behind you.  God can certainly help you to do that...though it may take some time and it is not easy.   You have been betrayed and you do not fully trust your wife.   She has to understand she violated that trust and cannot expect you to fully trust her until she has by her actions earned it again.  That too will take time.  So it is a give and take matter.   However, you should not let you feelings boil up and cause fiction.    If you have truly forgiven her...then act like you have.   That means when the hurt comes with rememberance...and it will...at that moment ask the Lord to help you.   1 Corinthians 10:13 is God's promise to help us in the moment of temptatin.   "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."  (1 Corinthians 10:13)  
   Remembering the infidelity presents you with the temptation to react wrongly.

   Second.  If she continues to be unfaithful.  1 Corinthians 7 applies.   Read the entire chapter.   Basically, if she continue to commit adultery...and God does not chasten her for it, you can assume she is not saved and probably is an unbeliever.  If she repeatedly is unfaithful, God says you "can" separate from her.  It does not say you have too, but allows it if living with an unbelieving spouse is not bearible.    It does not say you can be remarried to another woman, but you can live apart.   I just mention this because sometimes that is the only option.

   The decision then is yours.   If you love her and do not want to leave her...then you have to understand you must act accordingly and not let yourself lose control.   YOu have to forgive and treat her as forgiven.   Occasionally you will remember and the hurt will return, but in time...if you both put you hearts in it that will lessen.

    I hope this helps some.  As the Lord has shown you mercy and grace you give the same to your wife.  There is great satisfaction in overcoming a difficult such as you are experiencing.   The Lord helps and we learn to be more dependent on Him.    As the Lord has forgiven you...then you be forgiving also.
Cooper Abrams
Romans 12:1-2