Expert: Marsha Cunningham - 5/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: We moved last year to USA after living in Montreal, CA, for two years, and before that we lived in Mexico. My daughter who now is 7 did one year of preschool in Mexico, then 1 year of preschool in Canada and half of kindergarten in Canada and the other half back in Mexico; and started 1st grade here in USA. So she has been through many changes in her short life; however she did great in first grade although she struggled at the beginning, she finished the year reading and writing and totally enjoying school.  We always tell her how proud of her we feel but she always thinks she is not good enough; and during the end of year celebration the teacher gave 4 special awards to the most brilliant students in her class and she did not get one and my daughter got really upset to the point of crying out loud; honestly I was a little embarrassed because all the parents were there, and did not really know what to say to make her feel better, of course I highlighted the fact that she learned another language and that she has made an extra effort, etc but I am really worried because sometimes I think it is me who has set her expectations really high or she is just a perfectionist child, I really don't know how to make her understand that she is good and that it is ok to make mistakes.  I don't want her to grow up insecure because she really is brilliant.  Do you think you can give me some advice on how to handle that and make her understand that it is ok not to get one of those principal's award for the best students in class?
Thanks a lot for your help!!

ANSWER: Dear Claudia,

I agree with you that somehow she's picked up the high expectations from you.  

The number one piece of advice I always start with for situations like these is: Don't ever let your child hear you talking about them. Tone your compliments down to a slight smile and nod of the head, or raise your eyebrows and smile.  Avoid using the word "mistake".  Emphasize "trying over and over again" "everyone must practice at things to get good at them" .  Tell stories of how long people practice to get good, and then emphasize that the joy is in the activity, not in the reward.  Only one can win the prize given by a human, but all can win the prize given by the pride of doing one's best.
 
Try this for a while and see what happens.  Don't react when she does.  Change the subject, nicely, and act unruffled.  Don't try and comfort her.  Pretend that she's not doing it and help her move along by the changing of the subject.

Sincerely,
Marsha

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Marsha,
Thanks again for your prompt reply!! I just have another question, since you agree that she picked up the high expectations from me, do you think that just by following your advice, we can change that or there is something else I can do?  I really feed bad about that and I truly want to change.

Thanks a lot again for your help!!

Claudia


Answer
Hi Claudia,
I just found where I could get a new window, didn't see it before, but I hope you get my other response that I just sent.

There may be other things you could do, but it's like this:  If you're tired, get more rest and eat better.  Why not try that first?
I gave you the most basic and most logical place to start.  

We solve every problem in our school with the most simple solutions, and that's the way it should be.  Humans are not meant to cope astutely with endless stuff.  Parents have brilliance, too.  They can see, hear, understand and do.  We're the adults, they are the children. We are consistent in our methods and never give in to the child. Our students are happy, progressive, confident, try new things, friendly, and grow into the readiness for kindergarten while in our care.

Marsha