Expert: Brenda Martin - 2/2/2008

Question
I have been separated from my husband for 18 months.  During this time, I have been given numerous advice from family members who want me to leave this marriage because of my husband's laziness and and lack of wisedom.  I have been quite lost since we have a 2 year old son and we both haven't wanted him to be raised in a divorced home.  However, saying he wants to stay together and doing things to make it happen are two differnt things.  I have listened to a lot of pastors who say I must stay in this marriage unless he has commited adultery or he has abandoned us.  I know that we live a world were families are falling apart and under constant attack. However, I have a hard time believing that our loving Father wants me to continue in this unhappy and unhealthy marriage.
What do you advise on what the bible says about marriage and divorce?  

My husband hasn't cheated on me and hasn't left me (technically but spiritually he has abandoned me and my son), but he is a gambler, not a provider, not a believer, and perhaps has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.  I feel so horrible and guilty for leaving him.  He was raised so differently than I was.  His mother is a schizophrenic, his father left his mother after 20 years of marriage due to her mental illness and rarely calls my husband to say hello.  His family is so distant that I feel without us he has no one.  Yet, he has been so distant cold and uncaring towards his son and I that I feel forced to leave and be happy alone with my son.  

Please help me find what God truly tells us about difficult marriages and when are we justified in seeking divorce.

Sincerley,
Jenina Ramirez

Answer
"WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE?"

At 1 Corinthians 7:28, the Bible candidly states that husbands and wives would have “tribulation in their flesh.” Why is this the case? Simply put, it is because husbands and wives are imperfect, and we are living in “critical times hard to deal with.” (2 Timothy 3:1; Romans 3:23) Hence, even a compatible, spiritually-minded couple will face occasional problems.

DIVORCE AND SEPARATION

God, the Originator of marriage, designed it to be a permanent union. But is there any Scriptural reason for a person to divorce his or her mate—and one that would allow for the possibility of remarrying? Jesus addressed this matter by declaring: “I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) Sexual infidelity by a mate is the only ground for a divorce that will allow the innocent mate to remarry.

In addition, the Bible’s words at 1 Corinthians 7:10-16, while encouraging marriage mates to stay together, allow for separation. Some, after trying very hard to preserve their marriage, feel they have no choice but to separate. What can be acceptable Scriptural grounds for such a step?

1. One is willful nonsupport. When getting married, a husband assumes the responsibility of providing for his wife and children. The man who willfully fails to provide the material necessities of life “has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith.” (1 Timothy 5:8) So separation is possible.

2. Another is extreme physical abuse. So then, if a mate physically abuses his wife, the victim may separate. (Galatians 5:19-21; Titus 1:7) “Anyone loving violence God’s soul certainly hates.”—Psalm 11:5.

3. Another ground for separation is the absolute endangerment of a believer’s spirituality—one’s relationship with God. When a mate’s opposition, perhaps including physical restraint, has made it impossible to pursue true worship and has imperiled the believer’s spirituality, then some believers have found it necessary to separate.—Matthew 22:37; Acts 5:27-32.

However, if divorce is pursued under such circumstances, one would not be free to enter a new marriage. According to the Bible, the only legitimate ground for divorce that permits remarriage is adultery or “fornication.”—Matthew 5:32.

So from what you’ve told me it appears you have grounds for separation but not Divorce, according to God’s word the bible.

All the best
Brenda