Expert: Scott Talbot - 2/16/2008

Question
Hi Scott -

My finance and I have looked for a church that we both like and felt comfortable with.  Recently we found a Free Methodist Church and have been attending regularly.  This past January I signed up and completed their "101" classes to become a member of the church.  I really love the church and I have been changing a lot in my life.  This Sunday is membership Sunday where me and the other 6-7 people in the class stand before the church and make our commitment.  I was contacted by the Pastor on Friday and he regretfully informed me that I was unable to become a member b/c my fiance and I lived together and that is against the bible.  I felt hurt and frustrated b/c we've been going to this church for several months and I was part of this class for a month and nothing was ever mentioned to me.  Isn't it hypocritical for a church to deny membership to one person but allow others that are committing other sins?  Shouldn't churches welcome everyone and support them and help them to live more Christ like?  Is there any verses in the bible that speak to who a church should let in???  I know the bible says somewhere that Christ met with a prostitute.  If he denied meeting with her b/c of her sins, she might not have been saved at all.  I just don't understand why a church would turn away someone that wants to come and worship and praise God.  Thanks  

Answer
Hi Kim,

You ask a very good question, and there's no denying that this is a sticky subject. Let me try my best to try to help.

I guess the heart of the issue is this. How should God's people handle sin?

When an unmarried couple live together, one might assume that they are living like a married couple without the commitment of marriage. While it may or may not involve pre-marital sexual relations, it conveys that perception. This arrangement violates God's law, and it ignores His intention that a man and a woman should be married before having sexual relations.

Now it's important to understand why God forbids sexual relations outside of marriage. It wasn't just to create an arbitrary rule and make life difficult for people. It wasn't to create a stigma for those who disobey. Among the most important reasons for God's rules is the fact that following God's principles makes for a better life, while violating those rules can result in pain, turmoil, and a number of negative consequences. In a word, God's rules are for our good.

Christians can take varying views of sin. Rather than viewing sin as destructive and hurtful, some Christians may view it merely as a measuring stick of one's "spirituality," and may be tempted to judge other people. (This obviously ignores the fact that we all struggle with sin, and there are no degrees of sin in God's estimation.)

Others view sin as a "poor testimony"--something which causes shame and could lead others to look down on the person, or on the people who seem to accept such behavior.

Still others view sin as what it is--destructive and hurtful to the individual, and something which stands in the way of a healthy relationship with God.

How did Jesus view sin? Being a holy God, He despised it for what it was--a violation of God's perfect holiness, rebellion against the God of the universe, and something which was destructive to the individual. But Jesus did not come to condemn people for their sin but to deliver them from it.

Jesus interacted with sinful and scandalous people when those people were open to His message of salvation and deliverance. He loved and accepted Him, though He did not accept their sin. Read the passage in John 4 where Jesus spoke to the woman at the well. The man with whom she was living was not her husband. Jesus reached out to her with a message of love and forgiveness. But, if you notice, He did not ignore or downplay her sin. He accepted the sinner while still taking a firm stand against the sin.

How should a church deal with sin? If you read Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus teaches that the first course of action is to lovingly confront the sinner and help him to turn away from his sin. This practice takes into account that the sin hurts the individual. If the person refuses, he is to be treated "as you would a pagan or a tax collector." In other words, he should be loved and cared for and ministered to. But he should be treated differently than those who are attempting to be faithful followers of Jesus Christ. This might be called "tough love."

The way many churches apply this principle today is that they will allow someone to worship with them, but they will deny church membership. The reasoning? It communicates a love for the individual, as well as a firm stand against the sin. If one willfully continues to practice a lifestyle that violates God's laws, it's actually HELPFUL for that person when the church recognizes that sin for what it is. (This ought to be a case where the church, like Jesus, hates the sin but loves the sinner.)

As the church takes this firm position against sin, some may be convicted of their need to correct the matter. If they do this, it will be much better for them, as they will not have to suffer the consequences of these actions.

I feel for you, because I know you love this church and the people there. I truly hope that the church is handling this the right way, and is still communicating their genuine love and concern for both of you. But, if they are denying membership (not attendance, but membership) to you because you are choosing to live an open and public lifestyle that contradicts God's principles, and they are doing so with the intent that you will resolve this dangerous lifestyle, then I believe that they are functioning with the heart and mind of Jesus Christ and are following His guidelines.

Having said that, let me say this. I don't condemn you for living with your fiance. But, if you were my daughter, I would strongly encourage you to either live apart until married, or get married. I could go through a long list of bad things that could happen to both of you, as well as any children you might have, if you choose to continue living together without a marriage commitment. There's a reason God designed marriage. It's for your good, for your fiance's good, and for the good of any children that may come along.

I want what's best for you. God wants what's best for you. And, while it may be difficult to see it, it seems to me that your church wants what's best for you, too.

Feel free to write back.

Scott