Expert: Scott Talbot - 2/10/2008

Question
My husband left me for another woman last week. I am a very young Christian and I haven't been studying the Bible for very long, therefore I don't know it that well. My husband and I have been going to church together for about 3 months. I love my husband very much and I am believing that the Lord will heal my marriage. Valentines day is coming up, and I bought him a card. I want to put a few Bible scriptures on the card, but I don't know what to put. I want it to be something that will make him think about how wrong what he is doing is, but something that will also be kind and loving. I want him to realize that God still loves him, even though he is sinning. I also want him to know that I still love him. Do you have any suggestions, and also any advice on what I should about the situation. Thank you, Rebekah

Answer
Rebekah,

I am so sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. You asked for my help, and I will try to give you the best advice I can.

Get yourself a copy of the book, Love Must Be Tough, by Christian psychologist James Dobson. You can find it at Amazon.com, in your local library, probably in your church's library. Get a copy and read it. It's exactly what you need right now.

Let me tell you what the books talks about, in a nutshell.

When we are rejected by the one we love (boyfriend, spouse, whatever), we usually do exactly the opposite of what we should. We become desperate and go the extra mile to tell that person how much we love them and need them, and how committed we are to them.

Think about it. Your husband leaves you for another woman ... he does the worst possible thing he can do to you by violating your marriage vows ... and you want to reward him by showing him how much you love him. And you want to give him the security of knowing you will be there, no matter what.

I know this seems to makes sense. But you're sending the wrong message.

Your husband needs to know that there are consequences for his actions. He needs to know that violating your marriage is a THREAT to your marriage, that it could end up driving you away, costing him the marriage.

Rather than chasing after him and telling him over and over again how much you love him, back off a bit. I know this will be extremely hard. But just back off. Be nice to him. Don't stop loving him. But don't chase after him. Don't go overboard trying to sell him on the idea that you'll be there waiting for him, even if it's years down the road and after a string of other women.

He needs to know that this isn't OK. He needs to realize that, when he does something like this to you and to the marriage, that he is jeopardizing the relationship.

Do you love him? Do you REALLY love him? If so, then you need to do the difficult thing. LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. You need to love him by showing him that his actions aren't OK, that you aren't going to fall all over him when he does this to you, that he is placing your marriage in danger.

You see, as complex as we are as human beings, we still function on a simple premise. We tend to do things that bring about positive results, and we tend to not do things that bring about negative results. If your husband runs off with another woman and you fall all over him with "love," he is being rewarded. He's got the best of both worlds. However, if you back off, and he realizes the fact that his actions could cost him his marriage ... if he isn't showered with reassurances from you that "you'll be there no matter what," this is a negative reinforcement that may help him to wake up to the folly of his ways.

Read the book. It will definitely help you. And feel free to write back if you would like to talk further.

I will pray for you and your husband.

Scott