AboutRev C.Brian Ross Expertise I am happy to offer answers to anyone with a question that refers to the Christian Faith in its widest possible sense. I believe that the Bible is the living Word of God, and seek to base all of my life on its teaching. I also have some knowledge of some of the cults, and of Islam and Judaism. Of course, my answers are just one man's thoughts, and I would always advise a questioner to check with others, and with the Word of God.
Experience Served as a full-time parish minister in Scotland for about six years, and then spent the last thirty as a teacher (now 'retired') of Religious Education in Secondary Comprehensive schools (ages 11-17) while continuing my own preaching and teaching ministry. I also believe that learning is a life-time process, and have recently completed a Master's degree in Divinity.
Organizations Former Presenter on Revival FM - a local Christian, community radio station, broadcasting in west central Scotland, and online at revival.fm Involved with a number of organisations that support Christians who are currently suffering persecution in some 70 countries around the world.
Publications Various articles in Christian magazines. I also have two blogsites - www.crazyrev.blogspot.com and (with audio messages) www.revcbross.blogspot.com
Education/Credentials Diploma of The Bible Training Institute, Glasgow;
Licentiate in Theology of the University of Glasgow;
Associateship of The Philosophical Society of England;
Bachelor of Arts Degree (Hons) in History from The Open University;
Post-grad Certificate of Education - Religious Education and History;
Post-grad Cetificate in Learning and Teaching;
Post-grad Diploma in Management and Learning in Education;
Master of Science Degree from the University of Strathclyde;
Master of Divinity Degree (Hons) from Trinity College and Seminary (accredited by the University of Liverpool)
My name is Greg and I have a question I'm struggling with. I apologize if this is long and would very much like to hear your advice if it is of no inconvenience to you. For a year and a half, I've been in a relationship with a woman on-and-off who has been stronger in faith than me.
We've had conflicts, and decided at various times we weren't right for each other. Other times, we thought we were right, and have made efforts to reconcile our relationship.
Recently, we split for good. But today, I spoke with a friend close to both of us. My friend told me things that my ex-girlfriend has been saying about me behind my back. For example, I now have a reputation for cheating because she feels that after she broke up with me last September, that any search for another woman constituted infidelity. Right now, one of her friends (a former friend of mine) has a vendetta against me and actively spreads the word from my ex in our mutual social group. This is actively harming my reputation (I believe) with people I do not know, and it's affecting my ability to work with and meet new individuals. Some of our mutual friends no longer wish to speak to me or do, but reserve negative opinions.
My ex-girlfriend said these things, while, at the same time, telling me she loved me and while giving me a kiss to show that love. The last time she did this was a week ago. Her dialogue against me has been going on for months.
These people are not inherently bad; my ex does have wonderful attributes and the fellow who is spreading gossip about me (as a cheater, as a person who does not respect women, etc.) is a good person otherwise. These people are human, and I realize we all have our flaws. For this reason, I am working hard to reserve judgment and recognize them as people who mis-step sometimes, as we all do. Plus, I am also at fault for my mistakes in communication and expectations.
I have worked to realize that the anger I have now is destructive and have sought passages in the Bible to understand this situation, and what the Good Book says about us. I have sought passages on forgiving her, defusing the situation/repairing connections/restoring my good name, and what the bible says about her actions.
For most of these issues, I have found passages I am comfortable with. I struggle, however, with the last. It is my intent to share with her how I feel through biblical verse; a perhaps much more responsible way then charging in anger.
Currently, I have:
Prov 10:19
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.
Prov. 11:12-13
"A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret".
Neither, however, describes my situation; or how I feel about her telling me she loved me (which can be true) while venting very negatively against me just minutes later. I also feel she never communicated these things adequately and would like to know what the bible says in all of this context.
I would very thoroughly appreciate advice, biblical citations, and whatever else you offer. Thank you, I appreciate it very much!
ANSWER: Hi Greg,
Wow, what a situation in which to find yourself. I am certainly willing to offer what advice/assistance I can but, in order for me to do so as adequately as possible, I would appreciate a little more information, if you are willing to provide it.
Please advise me as to your age-group (in decades would be fine), and that of the other main characters - the ex- and her friend.
It would also help if I knew about the church situation with regard to all three of you - are you all members of the same fellowship/congregation; two in one and one in another; in three different ones?
How long each of you has been a disciple of the Lord Jesus would also be information I would be seeking if we were in a face-to-face situation.
I trust that you will not feel that I am being overly-intrusive, but this is more of a counselling situation, than one in which understanding of the Word might be.
Please get back to me with a Supplementary question if you wish to provide me with the information mentioned above. I will not promise an immediate response, as I would want to give such a matter careful consideration, and prayer!
Whatever you decide to do concerning any further input from me, I do trust that you will come out of this situation stronger in your faith, and walking more closely with the Lord Jesus.
Blessings
C.Brian Ross (Rev)
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Brian,
I have given myself some time to let the emotions pass; kind of like Ephesians 4:26, which came to me as I was looking around randomly. It's been a good personal growth period.
I apologize if my post made it seem like I was asking for counseling. I think, though I didn't express very well, I was asking for biblical guidance, rather than anything else. It's strange to me, though. For me to start looking for something to express how I feel and to end up finding something different that makes me grow within is an enlightening experience.
I really do appreciate your response, consideration, and time. You are a good person, and even if I don't know you, you've earned much of my respect. Thank you, Brian. :)
- Greg
Answer Hi again, Greg!
Thank you for the kind words that you have directed towards me. With the limited information that I have, the only Biblical counsel with which I would be comfortable, is Matthew 18:15ff. You must prayerfully weigh up the situation for yourself but, if you are able, I would suggest going to your ex- and explaining that you have been, and are being, hurt by the stories that she is peddling. It is always possible that she is genuinely unaware of the way in which others are reacting towards you because of her gossip.
If this line of action fails to produce a mutually satisfactory, and positive, result, then you should consider returning with a mature Christian friend - your pastor would be a suitable person, and one whose integrity should not be questioned. Repeat your concerns, with this witness in attendance, and ask that your ex- withdraw her malicious statements. It might also be useful, on the assumption that your pastor is male, to have a female witness present, as well.
In all of this, I would suggest, you are showing your own integrity to all involved. However, if there is still no change, then the matter should be brought before the whole fellowship - possibly through the good offices of the pastor - and the situation clarified, including the failure of your ex- to participate in any sort of "bridge-building" exercise. This would be of particular benefit if you are both members of the same fellowship. If this is not the case, then it might be possible for your own pastor to speak to the pastor of your ex-’s fellowship on your behalf, in order that they might be made fully aware of the situation.
Following this Biblical model would, I believe, bring an end to this unfortunate situation in a way that should prove satisfactory to all concerned, and that would bring glory and honour to the Lord. May you know His rich blessing in the coming days.
In Him,
Brian
