Expert: Scott Talbot - 3/24/2008

Question
Someone asked whether it was necessary to go to church.  I enjoyed reading your resposnse.  You were not judgmental.  You did not make the inquirer feel guilty.  You did not tell the reader your personal views, but used scriptures to show readers what God wants us to do.  It was enlightening and edifying.  I do not go to church.  I grew up in the church.  My father is a pastor.  I do not feel comfortable going into any detail, but that is a huge reason why I don't got to church now.  As the verses you underscored in your explanation outline, church gives Christians an opportunity to fellowship with other believers.  That is a very valuable asset to have as a Christian.  I would like to experience that wonderful fellowship the bible exhorts me to have as a part of my spiritual life.  Unfortunately, every times I want to talk about my feelings about church, every single Christian I know demonizes me for not going to church and quickly arrives at the conclusion that I am just being lazy and looking for excuses.  This only makes me not want to go to church even more.  I need help.  I want to be able to go to church and enjoy the fellowship and not be deterred because people are being self-righteous and judgmental.  How can I create an attraction to God and his Word and still repel the ungodly attitudes of other practitioners of the faith?

Answer
Dear "E,"

I am so glad you wrote! The dilemma you face is much more common than you think--Christians who long for encouragement and support from fellow believers, and yet who struggle with church because of the offensive attitudes we occasionally encounter.

While I do not know your full story, I believe that I can relate, ... at least on some level. I grew up in a church that looked great on the surface. There were a lot of really good characteristics about the church. But the more I got to know certain people, particularly the leadership in the church, the more turned off I began to get. I saw their flaws and became disillusioned. And I saw an entire church that had become indoctrinated with legalism, which is basically a mindset based on judgment and criticism of others. It was ugly.

I am one of four children. Of the four, two of us are still attending church regularly, and the other two stopped going altogether. Although my family and I have been going to church for the last 15 years or so, there was a period during which we got away from it altogether and wrestled with the idea of where we should go, or even IF we should go. It's a very difficult place to be.

Let me share a couple of observations from my experience that you may find helpful. First, it's important to seek out a solid, Bible-teaching, evangelical church where, by and large, the people are warm and accepting rather than taught to be judgmental. Much of this comes from the spiritual paradigm of the church. Does the church teach people to be critical, judgmental, legalistic? Or do they teach grace, mercy, love, and acceptance?

We were very blessed to find a church that teaches grace. In fact, "Grace" is part of the name. It's part of the Grace Brethren denomination. The Grace Brethren denomination is similar in doctrine to the Independent Baptist church in which I grew up. But it emphasizes grace in contrast to the man-made rules and spiritual game-playing I witnessed in the Baptist church.

Grace Brethren is a very small denomination, so I'm not sure how easy it would be to find one in your area. But you may want to seek out a non-denominational church and check out their teaching and their "people climate." If you tell me where you live, I might even be able to recommend some specific churches ... assuming I'm familiar with some of the churches in your area.

Here's something else to consider. As long as there are people in churches, NO church will be perfect. The sad truth is that churches are filled with imperfect human beings. Even after being born again into God's family, we are not immune from sin, and we are not immune from improper attitudes and actions against even members of our own spiritual family. You WILL find problems in any church you attend. You WILL find people issues, and you could even find yourself getting hurt.

Should that stand in the way of your attending church? Probably not. You need to keep in mind that plugging into a good church will bring you many benefits. Sure, there will be some risks--risks that you will experience hurtful attitudes or difficult people. But the rewards far outweigh the risks.

Take ownership of the concept of church attendance. You deserve to have a church family where you can learn and grow and serve. You have just as much right to be there and to be blessed than anyone else. If you come across someone who rubs you the wrong way, refuse to let that chase you away. Understand that it's attitudes like that that need to be removed from the church, not you. Do you know what I mean?

I am so glad for your heart. It's great to hear that you WANT to be included with your spiritual family in a local church setting. It's a valid desire, and yet I understand your difficulty. Ask God to help you, to give you wisdom and direction. And consider spending some time visiting some churches to see if God will direct you to a new church "home." In the meantime, feel free to write back if you would like to chat further.

Scott