Expert: Marilyn - 3/26/2008

Question
Deus Caritas Est. Good morning . My name is James N a R/c from Bombay, India.Iam a lay theologian. Some of the aspects of modern marriage is really perturbing me . My questions are as under:

1 What is meant by sacramentality of Christian marriage?What are its implications for daily marital life/

2A group of young people includind self are prone to read and watch X rated films/books. How would this help us?
Pl: explain:
a) There is nothing wrong in masturbation as it does not harm anyone. What is the Xtian teaching on this. Thank U . Please  reply if deem  fit. James N

Answer
Hello James;

Sacrament of Marriage:

The marriage ceremony, or the Sacrament of Marriage, is the formal event in which a man and a woman become one flesh before God and witnesses.  

Genesis 2:21-24, "So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs (or flesh from his side) and closed up the place with flesh.  Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man.  The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman," for she was taken out of man."  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

The marriage union is a covenant made before God and human witnesses.  This covenant cannot be scripturally broken except for two provisions:  infidelity and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse.  

In Matthew 5:32 Jesus says, "...I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery."

Paul says in I Corinthians 7:10 & 15, "To the married I give this command, (not I, but the Lord):  A wife must not separate from her husband.  But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.  And a husband must not divorce his wife...But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so.  A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances..."

Paul spells out the requirements for daily marital life in I Corinthians 7.  

1)  The husband and wife should fulfill their marital duties to one another--in other words, it's not right to have a headache every night or be out with the guys too frequently.  The wife's body no longer belongs only to her and neither does the man's body belong only to him, but their bodies belong to each other--a man and his wife are one flesh.

2)  The couple may agree on times of abstinence for the purpose of prayer.

In Ephesians 5 Paul writes:

1)  "Wives submit to your husband as to the Lord," verse 22.

2)  The husband is the head of the wife and family as Christ is the Head of the Church.

3)  Husbands must love their wives, verse 25, "just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her."  In other words, the husband must see that his wife's needs are met, that she is provided a home and that she reaches her full potential as a human being in the areas in which God has gifted her and called her to serve to the best of his ability.  As Christ encourages us, so a husband should encourage his wife; as Christ lifts us, so a husband should lift his wife.  Christ was willing to die for His bride, the church, a husband should be willing to also do the same for his bride.  

The Christian marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church for all the world and their children to see.  Every believer needs to recognize this before they marry.  It is a holy thing--to be married--and should not be entered lightly.  Though, it must be recognized that regardless of whether one enters marriage in all seriousness or not, arranged by the parents or not, under less than ideal circumstances or not, the Lord can provide all that's needed to make the marriage a success when the couple place Him in the center, like the heart of their flesh.  

4)  "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself," verse 28.  Men who hate themselves are often cruel to their wives.  Because they are one flesh, the man who hates himself cannot love his wife.

5)  The wife must respect her husband.  If the wife does not respect her husband, she must kneel before the Lord and seek humility and ask Him to resolve whatever has caused her to lose respect.  

In Colossians 3 Paul continues:

1)  Wives should submit to their husbands as all believers should submit to Christ.  Some church leaders insist wives submit to husbands who abuse them, but this is not biblical, because the man is to behave toward his wife as Christ behaves toward the church.  Jesus never abused anybody.

2)  Husbands should love their wives and not be harsh with them.

Peter writes of marriage in I Peter 3:

1)  "Wives, be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives," verse 1.

2)  "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers," verse 7.

This is what the New Testament says about marriage.  Regarding what the Catholic church says regarding the Sacramental Marriage see:  http://www.wwme.org/sacrament.html

Regarding X-rated material:

X-rated material, or pornography, is not going to help you at all.  In fact, it will bring you only trouble and pain.  First, the word "pornography" is literally "written prostitution."  The primary sex organ is the mind.  Just because you have kept your flesh clean does not mean you are clean!  Jesus says, "You have heard it said, "Do not commit adultery." But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart," Matthew 5:27 & 28.  Therefore, when you look at pornography (the purpose of which is to satisfy lust while gazing at an image) you have committed adultery.

Paul says in I Corinthians 6, "...The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.  By His power God raised the Lord from the dead, and He will raise us also.  Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself?  Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?  Never!  Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?  For it is said, "The two will become one flesh,"" verses 13 - 16.

Jesus says the life of the mind must be kept pure and Paul says to keep the body pure.  It is in the next chapter of I Corinthians that Paul recommends a person marry so that his sexual desires do not overpower him.  (Paul always seems to think that a person can serve the Lord better if he is unmarried and indeed, this is often true.)

From my own personal experience as the wife of a man who looked at pornography I can tell you, pornography will destroy your relationship with your wife or future wife.

1)  pornography creates unrealistic expectations.  A man who looks at pornography has unrealistic expectations about what a wife should do when he wants sex and about what a wife should look like.  Photographs of women are fixed to enhance the woman's appearance taking her from a normal, attractive woman to a super attractive woman--a woman that does not exist in real life.  Real life women often do not want to do the things women are paid to do in pornography.  They want to make love, not be used by a man.

No real life woman can meet a man's fantasy expectations and therefore he will be disappointed.  When he is disappointed, he blames his wife, not realizing the fault lies with him.  Strife will destroy the harmony of the home and the tenderness of love.  

If the man realizes pornography has interfered with his relationship with his wife, he can seek help from the Lord, his pastor and counselors, but it will be difficult.  Pornography often becomes an addiction that is hard to quit. Such a man must submit himself to the Lord and humble himself before his wife and God seeking their forgiveness.  He should also seek a person who will hold him accountable because pornography often becomes an addiction.

Further, if you masturbate while looking at pornography, you are only pleasing your self--in essence, you are worshiping your physical organ and the physical sensations you experience.  When you marry, you will not be able to please your wife and you will be frustrated with the effort needed to be pleased with her.  Masturbating and making love with your wife are very different experiences with very different sensations.  Masturbation will destroy your ability to connect with your wife physically, mentally and spiritually because you will have trained your body to be focused on its self and its own whims and desires, it will not understand how to make love.  

A man must keep himself pure so that his body will worship his wife's body, find satisfaction with her and please her.

There is no specific Christian teaching on masturbation that I am aware of, but the principle of putting your wife first as Christ placed you ahead of Himself and died for your sins should be sufficient to prove the point.

When you participate in pornography, you participate in the enslavement and abuse of women as things for use rather than persons who should be respected and loved as God calls us to respect and love one another.  When you receive Jesus as your Savior and Lord you become part of His Body, the Church.  What you do affects the entire Body.  As a believer, you are supposed to be a picture of Jesus to your friends, your family, your neighborhood and the world.  Jesus would not look at pornography.  When you, a Christian, look at it, you force Him to look with you.  And when you think lustfully of another woman you commit adultery against your wife or future wife.

The Lord is able to cleanse us from all sin when we make our confession, I John 1:9.  You can be cleansed and be renewed.  Paul says that the mind is renewed when we fill it with the Word of God.  God has the power to restore you to a pure state.  Submit to Him and allow Him to transform you into His Image.

"Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God..." I Peter 2:12.

May the Lord be with you, strengthen you and give you revelation knowledge of Him,

Sincerely,

Marilyn