Expert: Mrs. Priscilla Lyons - 5/22/2008

Question
Hi there, I won't bore you with ALL the details of my relationship, but needless to say we've come on some pretty hard times. An emotional affair is involved and I've caught him in it 4 times in the past 4 months, every time he says it's nothing, every time he says we can work on it, but actions speak louder than words. I'm fairly sure that if we get professional help we can work this out, I know that my husband has problems, spiritual issues and such, that go far beyond me. He knows it as well, but he has this sense of hopelessness, that there's no way he can change who he is. I don't want a divorce, but I told him that if he's not willing to get help with me and try to work this out, to try to fight for our marriage for the sake of us and for the sake of our 5 month old son, then it's over.
My heart breaks at the thought of not being with him forever, but I'm not sure he feels the same. Not that he doesn't love me, he's just not really "in" the marriage. I don't want to disappoint God. I don't want to disappoint my son. But I don't think I can live the rest of my life feeling like I don't matter to my husband. He told me that he'd think about the counseling, which is a better answer than his former "no way" response. I've been trying so hard to be a good wife, especially since all of this started. But when do you say enough is enough? I know God's not going to contradict himself in the bible, and I know that it says he hates divorce, but surely he doesn't want me to be with someone who doesn't want to be married? Does he? I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry I'm rambling... I don't have anyone to talk to. I had been talking it over with my parents, but last night I got in a huge fight with my Dad over all of this (He's really angry at my Husband) and I feel so alone. I don't have anyone. I know that God's with me, and that I'm NOT alone... but I have no one to talk to.
Sorry it took me so long to ask a simple question... I hope you can help.
Thanks

Answer
Dear Rachelle,
   I'm glad you've written.  It helps to share problems with Christian brothers and sisters.  Please consider this situation as an opportunity for you and hopefully for your husband, to grow closer to God, relying on Him more than you would if everything was always going good.  
   I think you need to determine that you will not consider divorce, no matter what.  You may not be able to stop it if your husband initiates divorce, but whoever does initiate it will not only disappoint God, but also have to deal with the guilt of what this does for your son.  
   Instead, share your feelings with your husband (not accusing him, but just explaining your feelings) that his wandering eye is a barrier to your trust and will keep you both from having a deep, satisfying marriage and parenting experience.  If he denies a wandering eye, then tell him you're open to being persuaded otherwise, but that in the meantime, you are going to take the time and effort to draw closer to God even if he doesn't want to.  
   God should always be first, reading His Word every day and praying for His guidance through what you've read.  You are very important to God and to your son, even if your husband doesn't show his appreciation of you.  God can give you assurance and interest in life apart from your husband, so that he may realize what he's missing.  A loving church family can help encourage you and your husband (as much as he is willing to allow).
   Pray that God will show you what unique abilities and interests He has created in you to reflect His glory.  As we allow God to develop His gifts in us, and/or learn more how nature reflects His glory, we have more fulfillment than any husband can give, because we will be fulfilling our purpose in life to be made in God's image (like a mirror reflects our image). Genesis 1:26  Even a 5 month old can enjoy a pretty yellow dandelion or be fascinated when dry dandelion seeds are blown away.  Feel sorry for your husband who may be trying to substitute some temporary cheap thrill (with a high price of regret, if not in this life, the regret will last for eternity) for the eternal satisfaction of everything good. James 1:14-17.
   Focus upward instead of sideways on your husband.  Don't let your husband's sin cause you to sin by retaliating with divorce.  Keep in touch with your parents, but talk to God (pray) together with them about your husband.
   Let God shine through in all you do.  That keeps our minds occupied so we don't have time to try to fix anyone else's faults.  I pray that God will work on your husband so he'll put God first so that he doesn't miss the joy of a wonderful marriage and fatherhood.  
   Love,
   Priscilla