Expert: Mel and Guyna Horne - 6/18/2008

Question
Hi,I have a question about Marrage.I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years.He is 24 and I am 27,he has 1 child I have none.My question is how do you know it is time to get married?The reason I'm asking is I attend a Christian church and the pastor talks often about the sin of being unmarried and living together.My paster asked us when we were planning to get married and we both looked at each other with a questioned look.I'm know what my problem is I'm scared of divorce Men always seem to change after marrage.At least thats what I've heard and seen on T.V.So my answer was not yet I don't know if he's the one yet.My boyfriend said when we are in our thirties and have a house and our lives are set for children.When he said that my heart dropped because I'm almost thirty.That felt too soon.I'm hoping when he's thirty.But then I feel this conviction of I'm a sinner because I'm living a married life.So then I think to myself I guess I could marry him but then I get scared as soon as I say it,I think but what if it's the wrong guy?My boyfriend isn't a bad guy I love that he has a relationship with God,I've never been to church in a past relationship with anyone so I know that that's a positive but he's not plaining to ask the question soon anyways. It's just been on my heart that I know it's wrong.But Is there a time limit on getting married why the pressure?It's not on my mind or my boyfriends but it always seems to get brought up at church or by friends and family.And for some reason it angers me when they bring it up.I know it's probably god telling me and the devil confusing me.And then I think I'm over hear worried about it and my boyfriend isn't even going to ask me till we are thirty:}I don't want him to feel presured he's probably not even ready or shure anyways.The point is I need prayer and understanding of this situation.I don't want to get married just because someone tells me to.I want god to just make it happen and for me to have peace about it.Thank you, I hope I don't sound crazy to you.Everything else in my life is right with God so I hope you see my concern.

Thank you & God Bless,
Barbara

Answer
Hi Barbara,
> Question:
> Hi,I have a question about Marrage.I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years.He is 24 and I am 27,he has 1 child I have none.My question is how do you know it is time to get married?

  On one level, it is time to get married whenever you (an adult) decide that you want to get married, not when parents, friends or church officials decide that they want to see you married.  While happily married people want everyone else to experience the same joy they have, marriage is an extremely personal decision.  For a church pastor, having unmarried couples in the congregation may put him in an awkward position with his board (employer/bosses) or with other church members who are prominent or powerful within his congregation.  Still, that is his problem, not yours.  But some have been banned or excommunicated from a congregation or church organization for less than this.

> The reason I'm asking is I attend a Christian church and the pastor talks often about the sin of being unmarried and living together.

 When God created marriage by declaring Adam and Eve to be "one", there was no ceremony, no forms, no licenses, no permits, no blood tests, no wedding planners, no florists, no cake makers, no bridal shops, no engagement rings, no bachelor parties, no invitations, no decorations, no bridesmaids, no hideous bridesmaids dresses, no wedding gown, no wedding shower, no registrations at stores that did not exist yet, no "traditions", no vows, no state-licensed preachers performing "ceremonies", and no paperwork to be filed with government offices.
There was also no champagne and no honeymoon.
All of these "customs" and "traditions" were invented later, in come cases, thousands of years later, but many of them, only a few hundred years ago for us, or less.
[see "marriage", subsection "history" at   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage]

  God explained that His law, (love toward God and for one another),  included commandments against fornication and adultery.  Adultery is sex between a married person and anyone other than his/her mate.  Fornication is any sex without the commitment of becoming "one" with that person for the rest of your life.
  The two became "one" when they first had/have sexual intercourse, with commitment.  Without any commitment, it is simply fornication.

  Gen. 2:24  "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh."
The Hebrew word translated as "cleave" is dabaq which has the meaning of "adhere, cling, stick, be joined together as if glued together with glue".   [http://cf.blueletterbible.org   also Gesenius's Lexicon ]

  Approximately 2,148 years after Adam and Eve (1856 BC), Isaac (son of Abraham and Sarah), married Rebekah:  "And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death [Sarah had died three years earlier]" (Gen. 24:67).  There was no wedding ceremony, no paperwork, no priest/preacher/rabbi.

 The first time a feast, or celebration is mentioned is in Gen. 29:22, by Laban, the deceitful father-in-law of Jacob, who lived in Harran (in present day Turkey).  There is nothing wrong with a celebration. Christ assisted at one marriage celebration by providing a large quantity of additional wine (Jn. 2:1-10).

 Religious marriage ceremonies did not begin until the time of early Rome, when the first "pontifs" were priests in the pagan, polytheistic religion of Rome (c. 700 BC).  These priests assumed authority over all burials and marriages.
[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pontifex_Maximus] [http://www.unrv.com/culture/pontifex-maximus.php]

In England there wasn't a "priest" presiding over a marriage until the late 1500's.  One of the primary reasons that the tradition was started was due to the Roman church wanting part of the money, goods and property that was exchanged between the two families. Especially among the nobility and the wealthy, marriage had very little to do with love and was a business arrangement between either countries, families or both.

 The rings, the flowers, and the rest of the "traditions" were all added by different cultures along the way.

> My paster asked us when we were planning to get married and we both looked at each other with a questioned look. I'm know what my problem is I'm scared of divorce Men always seem to change after marrage.

Regrettably, both men and women tend to pretend to be better than they are or someone other than themselves when dating.  Sometimes it is a  matter of trying harder to be a better person, so that the other person will like and accept us.  This is a form of fraud and lying, unless the effort to become a better person actually continues, (as it should).

Often, after the engagement is announced or more often, after the wedding, one or both relax and the real person is then seen.  Hence, the number of very short marriages, especially seen among actors and celebrities who are good at pretending to be someone else.

Most people will eventually become like their parents, for good or bad, to a greater or lessor extent.  But it is a good measure, to look at your prospective husband's father (and or mother) as he will very likely become much like them, sometimes earlier and sometimes later in life.

Even people who dislike their parents, will still become like them, unless they make a tremendous effort and have a keen self-awareness and an awareness of how others truly see them.  For example, children of alcoholics often become alcoholics, and children who are abused, most often become abusers.  How your boyfriend will treat you and your children will probably reflect how his father treated his mother and him.

God can help us to overcome anything to become a better person, but we cannot change other people.  Each person must make the changes for himself/herself.
Many girls and young women enter marriage thinking, "I'll change him.", "I'll fix him.", or "I'll make him better", only to be disappointed, often to the point of divorce.

If  you like what you see in his family, it should encourage you that he will more likely be a good husband and father.

> At least thats what I've heard and seen on T.V.So my answer was not yet I don't know if he's the one yet.

After two years, you should have seen him in most situations by now: happy, sad, depressed, upbeat, angry, sympathetic, with money,  without money, sick, healthy, interacting with his parents, with your family, with others under different situations. You should have discussed all your likes and dislikes, goals and interests.  You should have common friends.
You did not say that you are living together, but you said the preacher mentioned it, so apparently you are sexually compatible.

If after two years and knowing all the above about each other, you still say that you "don't know if he's the one yet", then that would strongly suggest that you have already made that decision.

People talk about fear of commitment, when what they really mean is fear of getting hurt, or fear of getting stuck with someone they don't really love.


> My boyfriend said when we are in our thirties and have a house and our lives are set for children. When he said that my heart dropped because I'm almost thirty.That felt too soon.I'm hoping when he's thirty.But then I feel this conviction of I'm a sinner because I'm living a married life.So then I think to myself I guess I could marry him but then I get scared as soon as I say it,I think but what if it's the wrong guy?My boyfriend isn't a bad guy I love that he has a relationship with God,I've never been to church in a past relationship with anyone so I know that that's a positive but he's not plaining to ask the question soon anyways. It's just been on my heart that I know it's wrong.But Is there a time limit on getting married why the pressure?It's not on my mind or my boyfriends but it always seems to get brought up at church or by friends and family.And for some reason it angers me when they bring it up.

Either you are committed to him now or you aren't. The fact that you never said in your comments that you "love" him, says something.

If you are committed, you are already married as far as God is concerned.  Without commitment, it is simply fornication.  Living together has most of the physical advantages of marriage without the legal risks.  The emotional risks are still there but can be ignored until a breakup.  You have companionship, friendship, someone to date, a roommate, someone to help or to call in case of an emergency, reduced bills by sharing expenses,  and you have convenient sex.  As long as others don't comment or criticize, you have no motivation to change anything, unless you are concerned about God's approval.  Feeling like a "sinner", indicates that you do care about what He thinks.

> I know it's probably god telling me and the devil confusing me.And then I think I'm over hear worried about it and my boyfriend isn't even going to ask me till we are thirty:}I don't want him to feel presured he's probably not even ready or shure anyways.

 But he is already living as a "married" person, just without the paperwork and the ceremony and peer approval.

 The only advantage of avoiding the paperwork and ceremony?  It's easier and less expensive when (not if) the couple breaks up.  If both have no intention of ever breaking up, then there's tax advantages to having the paperwork.  The ceremony only requires a JP and witnesses (if you're in the U.S.)

> The point is I need prayer and understanding of this situation.I don't want to get married just because someone tells me to.I want god to just make it happen and for me to have peace about it.Thank you, I hope I don't sound crazy to you.Everything else in my life is right with God so I hope you see my concern.

  
Only God knows what is in your heart and in your mind.  You have to decide what you want for yourself regarding your future.  What do you want as far as a family and children?  What kind of person do you want for a husband, for a father to your children?  He should be your best friend above all other people.  You should be his best friend. You should have similar goals, interests, friends, values, morals, and beliefs.

You do not sound crazy.  Everyone has the same concerns.  Everyone gets nervous thinking about making a lifelong commitment to another person.  If they don't, then they don't realize what they are doing.

God wants to be a "father" to each of us.  We should feel free to go to him with all our problems and questions.  God's will is that we show love toward one another and by doing that, we show love toward him.
We talk to him by praying, alone in a private room or place, or in our thoughts in the midst of a crowd.
He talks to us when we read his Word or meditate on it, by the words on the page, thoughts he inspires in our minds, and in several other ways.
Ask God to provide a husband and patiently wait on him.   In the meantime, work at becoming the kind of wife and mother, that will appeal to the kind of man that you want as a husband and a father for your children.

Many men "grow up" emotionally around the ages of 26-31.  Since your boyfriend is younger than you and only 24 you might want to consider that he may change a great deal within the next few years.

If you have other or more specific questions, feel free to write anytime.
With sincere concern,
Mel and Guyna

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