Expert: Scott Talbot - 9/1/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Scott,

Thank you for answering this question and bless you for serving me in this moment.

We're taught that if we confess our sins that we're forgiven but I'm not well read enough to know if that's all it takes. What if I sin repeatedly against you for years without showing any remorse verbally or through new behavior yet I confess my sins to God and ask for forgiveness?

I know Jesus said, maybe paraphrasing here, "go and sin no more."

So do you have insight to this? I desperately need enlightenment.

Thank you again, very much

Michael

ANSWER: Hi Michael. Nice to hear from you.

Peter asked Jesus the same question in Matthew 18. Jesus response was that we are to forgive seventy times seven. This is hyperbole meant to illustrate that we should never stop forgiving when one asks us for forgiveness.

God is the same way. God will forgive us every time, if we come to Him in true repentance.

Here's the challenge, though. Forgiveness is the appropriate response when someone truly repents, or is remorseful over their sins. However, when someone commits the same sin against me over and over and over again, I begin to wonder if that person is truly remorseful. If they were, wouldn't they stop offending me at some point?

We may never truly know one's heart. And it's interesting that Jesus did not respond to Peter's question by telling Him that we ought to try determine whether or not the person is truly sorry. If one comes to us asking for forgiveness, we are told to forgive them. Every time.

Think about it. That's what God does for us. Even when we offend Him repeatedly with some of the same sins over and over and over again. Aren't you glad He treats you that way?

Scott

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Scott,

If I may ask a follow-up question, I am extremely curious about repentance.

We all need forgiveness and I believe most of us ask it, not only from God, but from others. I know I need it frequently, even from those whom I love, respect and are important to me.

I'm going to step out and be specific -- I filed for divorce 4 1/2 years ago. I didn't want to but the pattern of deceitful behavior (big things) and excessive untruths told in the marriage crushed me. I know God hates divorce but I lost sight of that and filed. I had asked for one two years prior and was angrily told no. We were together nearly 15 years. No apologies for anything. That, however, I could have healed from but since then, a clean record has been stained repeatedly with false testimony -- stalking charges, continuance of that order (no tangible proof is necessary; the courts want to understandably err on the side of caution so someone doesn't end up critically or fatally hurt), protection from abuse order, and she's been shockingly physical with me as well after showing up raging mad at child exchanges. She comes over unannounced, has walked in uninvited, grabbed and slapped me in the mouth in front of the children, jumped in front of my car twice and sneered, told me it's all about "winning" in court, told my oldest daughter "he won't win. He never does. I do (true!)" in regards to court.

Thankfully, the children now live with me 70 percent of the time. Since the divorce, the lies, the legal persecution, car crashes with the children for which she was sued and settled, getting fired from jobs for, as she told me, for being "too extreme," a baby out of wedlock by some guy who was gone less than a year later, not telling me that my children were verbally and physically (but not sexually, amen) assaulted at a babysitter, not telling me she got married, not telling me her new husband has a history of drug arrests, was in jail and is now in prison, and using the courts to take the spotlight off of her.

No confessions, no asking for forgiveness ever for anything of significance. I'm experienced in this so I usually know when she's lying and I obviously know when legal charges are filed there is motivation.

Never even asks for forgiveness. I'm come to realize this woman, raised in church and whom also takes our girls to church (I do too), asks God for forgiveness and calls it good, finding no need to ask the person she violates repeatedly for forgiveness, no need to stop the behavior. I truly believe the enemy has total control of her and seriously, she is suffering from mental illness.

I pray for her often. I pray for her now toddler-aged daughter because my heart breaks for her (she's separated from my daughters 70 percent of the time...I've offered to watch her so she doesn't feel so rejected, although I don't say that, but am rejected).

I am tortured by all this. This Thursday, another court date to defend myself against something that did not happen and I know she is gleeful, knowing it always works. This motion is because I disagreed with her, that while I am definitely a sinner, she can't compare me as a parent with her new husband who is in prison, has a history of hard drug abuse, is in mental health care (I pray for him too), has two young boys he is not parenting, etc. I've told her I desire full custody with supervised visitation. This is her desperate attempt to prevent that change.

This is nothing new. She never stops. She never apologizes. Never tries to heal our relationship. I'm forgiving but I struggle in the flesh offering grace 70 times 7.

Advice?

God Bless and thanks for reading and responding to this long-winded answer.

Love you brother,

Michael

Answer
Michael,

No need to apologize. I'm glad you took the time to open up. I knew you were asking the question for a reason. Now I know the reason.

In church this past Sunday, our pastor preached an excellent message, reminding us of the two greatest commandments--to love God, and to love each other. It sounds so wonderful. But we all know that, in the real world, sometimes it's extremely difficult--near impossible at times.

Your ex-wife sounds like a very challenging person to love. She seems to have a lot of rage, much of which is aimed at you. Yet God commands you to love even her--to treat her in a loving way.

Now understand, love doesn't necessarily mean a bunch of mushy, positive feelings. Love is about having a genuine desire for good for another person. The temptation for you is to respond with anger. (I know I would.) But God wants you to deal with her in grace and mercy ... just like He deals with us.

Now the issue of forgiveness is a little sticky here. Maybe she has asked God for forgiveness for various things she has done to you. And maybe God has forgiven her. But personally, I think that, if someone is truly sorry, they would at the very least go to the person they hurt and ask for forgiveness from them. She hasn't done this. So I have to wonder if she's doing this simply to ease her conscience or perhaps put on a show. True repentance means that she tries to make things right with you ... and tries harder not to go back and hurt you again.

But remember what Jesus said. It's not our part to question the motives. God can do that. Our part is to be gracious and forgive.

Try to see her through God's eyes. I don't know this woman, so at least I can be a little more objective than you can. Part of mean really dislikes her, knowing the kind of person she is. (Forgive me if that offends you.) But part of me truly feels sorry for her, too. Her life seems to be a complete mess, and she has brought it on herself. So I would be tempted to respond with anger and frustration. But I would also be challenged to respond like Jesus would--with compassion and perhaps pity.

Somewhere in there is someone that God loved so much that, if she were the only one who needed dying for, He would have sent Jesus to die for JUST HER! Think about that. Jesus died for her! The least you can do is try to see her through God's eyes and love her the way Jesus would.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about being a door mat or letting her get her way in court. Love can include the tough decisions that allow one to reap the consequences of their wrong choices, while protecting others that are involved.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. As tough as it is, try ... try real hard ... to look at her with Christ's eyes, and ask God how you can do the right thing, but be gracious at the same time.

Does that help at all?