Expert: Scott Talbot - 10/13/2009

Question
Hello Scott,

I wanted to ask you a question about marriage/divorce/remarriage. I know this is a controversial topic, but wanted to get your opinion.

I was 26 when I got married and a year later I dissolved the marriage and was an unbiblical divorce. At the time I did not know the Lord as I do now, as I have strengthened my relationship with him.

During the divorce I began to realize that this was a mistake and started seeking the scriptures on marriage and divorce. I realized what marriage was and how much it meant to God. At this time I went back to my wife and told her I would be willing to reconcile the marriage and work it out, however she told me that she moved on and and bought a house with the person she was with and that she did not want anything to do with me anymore.

At this time I had to accept this and move on with my life. I began to seek the the Lord and the scriptures and came to the part about divorce and remarriage.

The scriptures that deal with divorce make it seem that remarriage is not an option unless the spouse committed adultery. (Matthew 19:9) In my case I was divorced for unbiblical reasons. In Matthew 19:9 it is saying that if you enter into another marriage you are committing adultery and the argument would be is it continuous considering you are still married to your first wife in the eyes of the Lord.

The other one is 1 Cor 20: To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.(NIV)

So Paul says that the Lord is saying if you were married do not leave your spouse and if you do to remain single.

I am not seeing anyone, however I wanted to know your thoughts on remarriage in my situation because at some point I do want to have a wife and a family, however I do not want to go against the word of God.

I have been reading a lot online on the subject and the consensus is that you cannot remarry because of the unscriptual divorce and if you do remarry it is a continuous state of adultery and could put you in hell for committing adultery.

It says in 1 Cor 6:9-10
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (NIV)

It says no adulterer will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I know God forgives us of all of our sins if we repent and I have repented and did everything I could to reconcile the marriage.

However in this case if it is a state of continued adultery you are still sinning. It is like a thief who steals, repents, but still keeps the money.

Again I wanted to see what your thoughts were and to make sure I do the right things in the eyes of God. Sorry for the long question!

Thanks,

Tim

Answer
Hi Tim,

It's nice to hear from you. Let me see if I can offer some guidance.

Let me start by addressing some of the Scriptures you mentioned.

Matthew 19:9 "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." Here Jesus is reiterating a principle that is repeated throughout Scripture--that God intended marriage to be permanent. To divorce someone without just cause and marry someone else is to reject the permanency and sanctity of marriage, just as committing adultery while married to another woman assumes the same premise. God does not want us to take marriage lightly.

I Corinthians 7:10-11 "10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." If you read the entire chapter and understand the historical context, you will understand that Paul is dealing with a unique set of circumstances. Christians were under intense persecution at this time. So Paul's seemingly unusual advice to remain single was offered due to the fact that having a spouse and family complicated matters much further.

This is what I believe God wants us to understand. God's ideal is that marriage is to be permanent. There are many reasons that He designed things this way, but most of them are for our own good, and the good of our families. He does make allowance for divorce in certain situations. And He acknowledges that divorce sometimes takes place when it should not have been pursued.

God wants us to do everything we possibly can to keep the marriage together. And, even after a divorce takes place, He desires that we continue to pursue reconciliation.

However, God also recognizes that, despite the reasons for divorce--whether permissible or not--divorce actually dissolves the marriage. When the marriage is dissolved, and a new reality has been created, one must move forward based on that reality. If the wife chooses to remarry, she has been released from the first marriage and is free to remarry. The ideal would be to reconcile. But she is technically free to go in a different direction.

What should your approach be? I think God would want you to do what you can to reconcile with your ex-wife. But you cannot force her to do anything she does not want to do. So, if she chooses not to reconcile, that is her decision. Then you would be free to pursue other relationships.

Let me also clarify another issue. Some think that, when one divorces his spouse, he is forever in a state of adultery. I don't believe that this is what the Bible teaches. A decision that was made in the past may have been a wrong decision, even a sin. But God forgives sin, washes us clean, and allows us to move on. If you recognize that what you did was wrong, and you do everything you can to right the situation now, you are doing your duty. And, because past decisions can create a new reality, you must live with the way things are now. But you don't have to continue to feel guilty for something done in the past, something you have tried to make right, if things do not get resolved. God grants forgiveness for the past and allows us to move forward.

James 1 tells us that we can ask God for wisdom to make good decisions, and He will grant us that wisdom. Ask God for wisdom, and He will help you to do what is right.

Scott