Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 2/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: As you may guess from the subject line, I am living in an unconsummated marriage. I have been struggling with a question of the importance of consummating a marriage. The One Flesh principle from Genesis 2:24 was read at our ceremony and our pastor made several references to being friends and lovers. But it has never been clear to me what lack of consummation means in my situation. Any help you can provide would be appreciated.

Greg

ANSWER: Hi Greg,

THank you for this great question.  I am sorry for my late response.  Sex is a gift from God given only to married couples.

Hebrews 13:4
4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Once we are married, we no longer have sole posession of our bodies.  We actually owe each other physical sexual gratification.  To with hold that relationship is not good nor is it Biblical unless it is agreed upon by both partners in order to pray and fast, but then you should come together again soon.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

I hope that this helps you.  Why have you not consumated the marraige?  If there is a physical problem you should get this dealt with soon.  Of course I am assuming that you and your spouse are both consenting adults.

In Christ
Pastor Don

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Pastor Don,

I'm facing a very difficult decision in my life and I appreciate your response. I am familiar with the verses you quoted. For a long time, however, I disagreed with your interpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 since the following verse "But this I say by way of concession, not of command." takes away much of the meat of these statements. But I agree that it reinforces the sacredness of sex within marriage. I'm afraid I did not ask my question very well though. Because what I really want to know is when does a Christian marriage start? Is it covenant and consummation as suggested in Genesis 2:24 or is covenant (a marriage license and wedding ceremony) enough? This is an important question because if consummation is required, my biblical obligations change drastically. Legally, of course, I have cause for dissolution of marriage, but the requirements in my state are much more liberal than those in the Bible. My pastor suggests that divorce would still be a sin, but he would still support me. And my counselor says withholding sex is one of the very few circumstances he recommends divorce. All the while, my wife is happy with our marriage the way it is - even if we never do have children of our own (or sex).

In answer to your question, no, we do not have a physical problem. I honestly do not believe my wife was mentally prepared for marriage. This started with rejection on my wedding night. And although we tried several dozen times following our wedding, there was always something wrong. Most of the time, though, our evenings would start with “I have a head ache”. And after 3 months of this, we began to fight a great deal, but mostly about insignificant things. We were never able to have a healthy conversation about our lack of sex and stopped trying altogether. Eventually, the fighting stopped. However, the result, for me, was that I became distant in many ways from our marriage and eventually, numb to our situation. But I have come to the realization that this is no way to go through life and I need to do something about it. I started with counseling and have proposed joint counseling, but my wife is not yet comfortable with this idea. I think she knows that parting ways will certainly be a discussion point if not a reality. Will my wife ever be mentally prepared for marriage? And if so, will I be over my numbness if/when that happens? These are two more difficult pieces of this puzzle and I do not know the answer.

My wife, at this point, would likely have sex to avoid the possibility of divorce. However, I don't believe this would change our core problems and we would still need counseling to have a healthy sexual relationship. We would also need counseling to rebuild the level of trust and love we once held. Now, perhaps, I am the one withholding myself. While I realize that this may be a sin on my part, I don’t want to consummate our marriage under these conditions.

Greg

Answer
Hi Greg,

I agree that you definately need counseling to help you through this.  I also agree with your pastor, it is not time yet to divorce.  I believe that marriage started with the covenent, the sex act is a picture of the one flesh relationship that started the moment you made that covenant together.

With this in mind, if she is willing to consent to sex, this is actually a good start.  If you come together, you do your best to meet her physical neeeds first.  THis is what 1 corinthians 7 is teaching.  Put her physical pleasure first....  Even if you do not feel intimate because of all the trouble you have been through.  If you put her first in the marriage act, this may do alot to break the ice between the both of you.

I hope that this helps you.

In Christ
Pastor Don