Expert: Marilyn - 3/5/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Marilyn, I have been researching all religions since I was a teenager. The latest research has been on Christianity, Doctrine, Theology, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons etc.They are all opposed to each other in their beliefs and interpretations of the Bible regarding, life after death etc. They say that without the Holy Spirit, I wouldn't understand or know anything.I just don't know who or what to believe any more and I am getting close to abandoning all studies and become an agnostic.I would appreciate any advice.

ANSWER: Hello Collin;

Let’s develop some practical criteria here, forget the “spiritual” stuff for now.  The Bible is the place to start because it’s supposed to be the foundational text for these religions you named above.  So first, let’s determine what we are to think of the Bible.

The Old Testament is the oldest portion of what most people consider the Bible.  Except for a handful of minor errors, the text has remained unchanged for thousands and thousands of years.  How do we know this?  Because ancient copies still exist.  For example, the Dead Sea Scrolls found in the late 1940’s were thousands of years old when discovered and were carefully preserved then compared to present texts.

1)  If God were real, He’d be able to keep His Word clean--that is free from extra gunk human beings might want to add while still retaining all the stuff it’s supposed to have.

Ok, if you agree that the Old Testament might be the Word of God because it’s been carefully preserved all these centuries, let’s move on to another practical criteria.

The Bible doesn’t flatter people.  From beginning to end, there’s no human beings who behave any way except the way human beings behave, not even Abraham, the most revered biblical figure of three religions.  He wasn’t perfect, he lied about his wife’s identity because he feared the dignitaries he planned to visit would kill him to take his wife.  Dinah fools around with some pretty boys from the city near where her family camped.  She said the prince of the city wanted her for his own.  So her brothers went into town and told him that he could marry Dinah if he and all the men of the city would get circumcised.  It’s not pleasant for a baby to get circumcised...grown men...eww.  Anyway, the prince agrees and while the lot of them are lying around moaning, Dinah’s brothers come in and kill them.  Real sweet bed-time story, don’t you think?  Song of Songs, sometimes titled Song of Solomon in certain translations, is pretty racy for a book supposed to be about a God who some claim wants to ruin everyone’s fun.  God Himself isn’t portrayed the way a person might expect.  He’s not flowered up and gushed.  If the Bible were true, then you’d expect that wouldn’t you?  A text that shows all the warts and doesn’t flatter anybody?

2)  If God were real and the Bible is His Word, then it would be a very realistic book, which the Bible is.

Most religions back then were headed up by gods who were just as rotten as the humans they ruled--except the gods happened to have super powers--but the God of the Bible is different.  He has a really high standard for living to which He Himself adheres.  He doesn’t come down to earth and mess with people the way Zeus did.  He’s blunt and straightforward with people.  He means what He says.  He doesn’t play games with people.  

The Old Testament God gets a bad rap for zapping people.  Closer examination one finds that He zapped people who were doing rotten things like sacrificing kids and telling young girls that sleeping with any man who happened to pass by while in the “sacred grove” was worship and stuff like that.  Yes, disobeying God is on the list of stuff you could get zapped for.  He’s God, you have to give Him the right to expect to be obeyed.  If you don’t have to obey God, He’s not much of a God is He?  But He was also merciful too, He cut people slack from time to time and forgot all kinds of wrong doing when people were sorry and sincerely repented--that is, decided to change their ways and really tried to follow through on that promise.

But my point here is human beings won’t make up a God like that.  All the gods human beings make up are just as capricious and sinful as the humans who dreamed them up.  We’re probably more familiar with the Greek and Roman gods than any of the others, but Baal was pretty rotten, sex before the altar was supposed to bring rain, and Molech, he’s the one who wanted babies roasted on metal statues of himself with fires built in the base.  The God of the Bible hates that stuff because it hurts humans.  He demands we treat one another the way we’d like to be treated.   

The God of the Bible speaks the universe into existence from His Imagination.  The emphasis on word and thought is exceptional.  Interestingly, the Genesis account matches up pretty closely with the order of how things were made as modern science understands it.  The first day is the big bang:  “And God said, “Light Be,” and BOOM, light was.  The sun isn’t active as a functioning star until the fourth “day.”  New findings agree with this.  Dinosaurs are even mentioned in Genesis 1:21 which apparently gave Bible translators a lot of trouble.  The NIV says, “great creatures of the sea.”  Some even say “dragons.”  Some deeper digging has revealed that the translation should be “great reptiles.”  The Bible shows them created before mammals, just as the geological record shows.  It just doesn’t mention here in this spot what happened to the dinosaurs.  Genesis 1 is written from God’s point of view and apparently He didn’t think the question of what happened to the dinosaurs was all that important, and for most of human history, it hasn’t been.  (I have a theory on that if you’re interested.)

The point is, humans don’t make up a God like that!  We don’t invent a God who speaks things into being, we don’t invent a God who is Three Persons in One.  We don’t invent gods who have honor guards as confusing to describe as the cherubim in Ezekiel 1.  We don’t invent gods who travel in smoke clouds or detest human sacrifice and promiscuous sex.  Humans invent gods more manageable in size and imagination; gods who agree with the sinful things we already want to do.  

3)  If God were real, human beings couldn’t make Him up.

Let’s move on to the next criteria.

Of all the people groups in the entire history of the world from any time you care to name--now or ancient times--only one people group has retained its identity and existence despite being dispersed throughout the earth and despite not having a homeland for 2000 years.  That’s the Jews, God’s Chosen People.  American Indian tribes are disappearing, except the ones who had large populations to start with.  They’ve been absorbed.  And they weren’t all driven from their homelands onto completely different continents.  And it’s only been a couple hundred years.  Speaking of people groups who’ve gone extinct...who now remembers the Picts?  You’ve probably heard of the Aztecs or the Huns?  They don’t still exist as a people group, but the Jews--you probably know one personally.  

No other ancient people group still retains their cultural and racial identity despite everything they’ve been through like the Jews, God’s Chosen People.  Never mind being dispersed throughout the earth for a couple thousand years and retaining their identity and cohesiveness as a people group--how about coming back to one’s ancient homeland and living there again after being dispersed throughout the earth for a couple thousand years?  Absolutely no people group in the history of the world has ever done those things, ever.

4)  So if God were real and He had a Chosen People, that Chosen People would exist throughout time no matter what.  And come back to their homeland whenever God decided it was time that they should live there again.

So, if you agree that if God were real He’d have a Book that He kept clean, He’d be different from anything humans would dream up and He’d keep His Chosen People together no matter what and not only that, but bring them back to their homeland whenever He wanted, then we’ll move on to the New Testament.

The whole New Testament hinges on the Person of Jesus.  Josephus, a Jewish historian alive at the time wrote about Jesus--a whole paragraph.  I don’t have the exact wording here in front of me, but basically he said:  There was this Rabbi called Jesus who went around doing miracles, or so His disciples said, and lots of people followed Him.  The Romans crucified Him and His disciples claimed that He rose from the dead.

Based on that and I’m sure there are other records of Jesus actually living here on earth, we know Jesus was a real, living breathing person, as real as Julius Caesar or Josephus himself.  So what about the claims?  

Fulfilled prophecy is a huge proof God is real.  And there’s prophecies a plenty predicting Messiah.  Jesus told everyone while He was here that He had no plans to rule an earthly kingdom at that time.  Micah 5:2 says, “But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for Me one who will be ruler over Israel...”  Since Jesus is still in His mother’s womb, He can’t cause Himself to be born anywhere.  But Jesus was born in Bethlehem because both of His parents were descendants of king David and that was David’s home town.  In fact, Joseph, Jesus’ adopted father, was in the direct line for the throne.  Mary was a descendant of Nathan, a son of David not in line for the throne.  An adopted son is treated just like a natural born son, in fact, an adopted son cannot be disowned, while a natural born son can.  Jesus was actually a descendant of David and by adoption in line for the throne of David.  The Bible clearly tells us exactly where Jesus, the King of the Jews, would be born and...not only is God keeping His promise to David (He promised David that he would have a son on the throne of Israel forever, II Samuel 7:12-15) but God is making a wild play on words here.  Bethlehem means “House of Bread,” and Jesus claimed that He was the “Bread of Life,” John 6:35.  The Bread of Life born in the House of Bread.  Cool, huh?  

All right, here’s another one.  David was a shepherd.  God picked him to be king of Israel after Saul failed.  John the Baptist declared the moment he laid eyes on Jesus, “Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world,” John 1:29.  God sent angels to tell the shepherds that Jesus had been born and they were the first to pay their respects.  Not only that, Jesus was crucified on the same day that the Passover lambs were being slaughtered in the temple in Jerusalem.  He died at the same moment that the last lamb was being killed and He cried, “It is finished,” the same words the priests were crying.  So, ok, maybe Jesus could have planned that, but He didn’t plan for God to tell the Jews way back in Egypt to sacrifice lambs and put the blood on their doorposts of their houses so that the death angel would know a member of the Chosen People lived there on the last night of the plagues.  Paul declares Jesus our Passover Lamb, I Corinthians 5:7.  How is He our Passover Lamb, it’s because His Blood on the doorposts of our hearts, the place where we live, saves us from the death angel, that is, the just penalty we deserve for our sins, eternity in hell.  

The kingdom Jesus is after is to be King of a person’s heart.  That is why Paul says in Romans 10:9, “...if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.”  

Here’s another one.  The Jews have a routine of unrolling the scroll a little bit at a time and reading through the whole Old Testament.  They still do that today.  They have a little pointer that they place at the spot where they need to read the next time and roll the scroll back up and put it away. When they get it out again, they know where they left off and what portion should be read next.  

Jesus was back in His hometown of Nazareth and was asked to read the Scripture for the day.  He got up and read Isaiah 61:1 & 2, “The Spirit of the Lord is on Me, because He has anointed Me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent Me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”  Then He said, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing,” Luke 4:14-30.  Imagine the outrage, this carpenter’s son dares to claim He can fulfill that promise!  They decided to stone Him, but He slips away. (How did he slip away when they were surrounding Him?  They had Him on the edge of the cliff, ready to drive Him off.)  

What did He mean, “proclaim freedom” and “release the oppressed?”  He referred to people held prisoner to sin, oppressed by evil--those were the ones He intended to free.  And Scripture records Jesus healed several blind people, but there were even more who saw truth better than they’d ever seen it before after meeting Jesus.  

How did Jesus plan for that portion to be read that day?  How could He have known precisely how many times they’d read between the last time He was in town and that day?  If He wasn’t the Son of God, how could He heal anybody?  If He wasn’t the Son of God, then He’s insane!

Read Psalm 22 and compare it to the Gospels that describe Jesus’ death on the cross.  “My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?” Psalm 22:1 and Matthew 27:46.  “All who see Me mock me; they hurl insults at Me, shaking their heads, “He trusts in the Lord, let the Lord rescue Him.  Let Him deliver Him, since He delights in Him,”” Psalm 22:7 & 8 and Matthew 27:39-44.  Imagine you’re hanging on a cross, would you think this:  “I am poured out like water, all my bones are out of joint.  My heart has turned to wax, it has melted away within me.  My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue sticks to the roof of My mouth,” Psalm 22:14 & 15 and John 19:28.  How about, “They have pierced My hands and feet,” verse 16b.  “They divide My garments among them and cast lots for My clothing,” verse 18 and Mark 15:24.  If that doesn’t make your hair stand on end, will anything do it for you?  The Psalms were written back in the 10th century B.C.  How could the Psalmist know Jesus would die like that, that people would say those things?  He couldn’t.  

There are countless other prophecies.  Daniel 9 tells when Jerusalem would be rebuilt after the Jews were dispersed into Babylon and the exact year when Jesus would be born.  Hugh Ross, Ph.D., a Christian astronomer says the Bible contains 2500 prophecies 2000 of which have been fulfilled:  http://www.reasons.org/fulfilled-prophecy-evidence-reliability-bible

5)  If God were real, He could predict things, He could make the future what He wanted it to be and nobody could stop it.  Of course, He doesn’t make everything the way He wants it because He give us free will and He gave the earth to us to rule, so a lot of it is up to us and we generally make a mess of things.  In order for God to make things in your world the way He wants them to be, you first have to ask Him to be your Lord and then do what He says.  Referring back to ancient gods compared to God, none of them would give you that kind of choice, that kind of power to make your life however you wanted it and ignore God if you so chose.  

Jesus was a real man, but was He really the Son of God, the Word of God Made Flesh, John 1.  The Apostles all died preaching Jesus was the Son of God, the Word Made Flesh, raised from the dead--all except John, who was exiled to the Isle of Patmos for doing that.  A man will die for the truth, but he will not die for a lie.  The Apostles, who knew Jesus personally, prove Jesus was who He said He was by their lives and deaths.

6)  If God were real, He could conquer sin and death.  

So, we’ve established that the Bible is true, Old Testament and New Testament, that God is real and Jesus was His Son who came to earth, did miracles and rose from the dead.   Now to the issue of denominations.  

Denominations are a thing that happens when one of two things occur:
1)  God does something to revive people and bring them back to Him.  The Methodist church is an example of this.  Back when John and Charles Wesley were preaching and singing, the church in England was pretty much dead.  There was no good news anywhere for anybody, nobody was getting free and nobody was seeing a thing.  John and Charles Wesley and some of their friends had a novel idea, how about we read the Bible?  They started preaching the Word and the good news started going out and people started getting freed.  A whole denomination was born.  Well, now many Methodist churches are pretty much dead and some have even stopped really reading their Bibles.  

It’s like when Jesus was transfigured, Matthew 17, and Peter said, “Lord, we’ll build a booth (a little stick house) for you and Elijah and Moses and we can stay here and bask,” (my paraphrase, very heavily paraphrased).  Everybody builds a booth around God’s fire and after awhile, because they’re human, they get stuck in ruts and rituals and the fire dies out.  But people are still there, sitting in the booth around the dead fire doing their rituals.  In essence, religion isn’t really God’s thing.  He’s into relationships with people like you and me.  He wants you to get to know Him and He wants to be a part of your every day life, even down to what shirt to wear today or which route to work is the safest.  That’s what He’s into, being WITH you.  Religion is what people create when they see a fire and keep while the fire is dying out and dead.

2)  People decide God needs a little help and they start something.  This would be the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons.  The Jehovah’s Witnesses rewrote the Bible and the Mormons added another book, a book full of prophecies that didn't come true, so it's not from God.  I think you can pretty much ignore them.  I don’t mean they’re bad people, but that they’ve strayed from the Bible.

So the issue comes down to what church that is in existence right now in your town is sticking as closely to the Bible as is humanly possible?  That’s the question.  When you discover that church, that’s the one where you want to go because that’s where the fire of God will be.  It all starts and ends with the Bible.

The Holy Spirit is with you right now; otherwise you wouldn’t even be trying to figure any of this out!  He’s in the same room with you at this very moment.  If you open the Bible and read it, maybe start with Matthew.  Just say, “Ok, Holy Spirit, if You’re here then help me make some sense of this.”  He’ll help you understand it.  It’ll be like that cartoon where the character suddenly has a light bulb over his head.  Don’t give up.  God is with you even now.  Also, you might get a copy of C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” and read that.  C.S. Lewis is an interesting case because he set out to prove God was bogus and ended up a believer.

Write back if you have more questions.

Sincerely,

Marilyn


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Marilyn, Thank you for all these words. At the moment I feel so depressed about all this religious stuff and my life in general and I feel abandoned by God or Jesus or whoever and I just DON"T WANT TO GO ON LIVING ANY MORE.

ANSWER: Collin;

I'm not surprised you're depressed!  You've set yourself an admirable, but daunting task.  Sorting through all these various religions and denominations makes a person crazy.  The only thing that matters right now is do you believe Jesus is the Son of God?  Jesus said, "I am the Way and the Truth and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through Me," John 14:6.

Jesus proved His claim as Son of God, the Word of God Made Flesh by doing God's work while He was here and showing us God's love by His words and deeds, by dying to pay for our sins and by rising from the dead.  His Apostles proved all these claim by dying for Him.  I tell you, I've proved His claim by putting Him to the test.  

About 20 years ago I was a lot like you, except I had decided that there was no specific way to God, all religions lead to God.  This way of thinking led me in a downward spiral until I was in the pit of hell on earth.  When I was about where you are, thinking I had no reason to go on, my son's aunt gave me a book.  That act was the Holy Spirit reaching out to me to show me the way.  I read it and decided to make Jesus Lord of my life.  From that moment on I've been on an upward spiral.  He's done countless miracles for me, I can't even remember them all.  Biggies include healing my kids and my new husband.  He had an aortic dissection, which should have killed him since his entire aorta came apart, but it didn't.  Money for bills, food on the table...everything.  

This is why I went back to the Bible to prove God's case on His behalf to you, because I know it's the only link we have to the Truth in this life and I know it's the Truth because I've tested it.

That wretched noise in your head is the internal battle between one choice and another--will you make Jesus Lord of your heart or not?  The noise is so great because it is the biggest decision you'll ever make in your entire lifetime.  The noise is so great because literally, the Holy Spirit is putting in His two cents worth on the matter, but so is the other side of the argument and you're caught in the middle until you make your decision.  The guy in the middle of the battle is the one in the worst of the war zone.  I been there, I know what you're going through.  It's awful.

You have nothing to lose if you make Jesus Lord of your heart.  You might gain everything!  Give Him a try.  Just say, "Lord Jesus, come into my heart and be Lord."  It seems to our minds that something that simple shouldn't work, but that's the way God set it up.  Just give Him a try.

You wrote to me, maybe you posted your question to everyone in this section of AllExperts, but you didn't come here by chance.  Give your heart to Jesus and you will find peace.

Please write back soon,

I send hugs as your sister,

Marilyn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks marilyn for your support.I did ask Jesus to come into my heart, years ago. That's all I wanted to be guided and protected by Him, but instead all I have got is confusion and stress and things going wrong, lots of debt etc.I have been recently looking at the JW's and I keep getting hot and cold with them, but when I pray, somehow I feel enthused to go back to them and start a Bible study. I am being pulled in both directions away from them and back to them, feeling spiritually plifted. I am in the moddle and I am being pulled by my arms in opposite directions, it's horrible.I don't know what to do. Why is it so difficult, almost IMPOSSIBLE to approach Jehovah, God, Yahweh or Jesus??If he exists, we should be able to get close and communicate with him. Why is it not happening for me?

Answer
Hello Collin;

You said, "...I did ask Jesus to come into my heart, years ago.  That's all I wanted to be guided and protected by Him, but instead all I hvae got is confusion and stress..."

It's no accident that Jesus refers to His people as "sheep," John 10.  Sheep and humans have a lot in common, especially in terms of behavior.  When I was a girl, I used to herd sheep.  Usually a flock has one sheep who either appoints herself the leader or is appointed by some unknown method sheep have to do this.  The sheepherder knows that if you can get the leader going in the right direction, things are going to go fine.  Sheepherders can even put the lead sheep in the back of a pick-up, head off down the road at a slow even pace and the rest of the flock will follow right along.  But when you have two sheep who consider themselves leaders, you're in trouble.  You get one leader and his followers in the pen and the other one and his followers veers off on his own tangent. As sheep herder have to go after him.  While you're out collecting that lead sheep and the idiots who followed him, the others come out of the pen.  Unless you've got some help, this could go on all night!

Sheep, like all herd animals, are safer in groups, their whole fixation, other than food and water, is safety.  However, you get the occasional sheep who wanders off by himself.  Unless the sheep herder realizes one of the sheep is gone, that sheep will stay out all night, maybe get eaten by coyote or fall in the ditch where he'll bleat pitifully until either someone finds him or he dies.  But, if you find a sheep lying in the ditch, carrying on like that and climb down to get him out, he suddenly leaps to his feet and runs off.  Same thing happens when a sheep puts his head through the fence to get that tasty grass on the other side.  If he can't get his head out on the first try, he'll stand there bawling until the sheepherder comes or until he dies.  When you walk up to him, he'll pull out his head and run.

A scared sheep is hard to herd.  He'll run every which way, his only thought is terror.  Even though every previous time he recognized the sheepherder's voice and obeyed, when he's in a panic, he can't seem to hear or recognize a friend.  You find a sheep that's been out by himself for a couple of days, he's a bit loony.  He'll do everything in his power to run away from the sheepherder.  It takes more people to bring in one sheep who's in a panic than it does to bring in an entire herd.

Sheep aren't as bad as cows at this, but they do have this tendency--they're sure the next pasture is better than the one they're in right now.  Cows are worse.  When they get bored they'll test the fences, leaning here, poking there, until they find a weak spot, then they'll push through and the whole herd will be out.  With sheep it's usually the older lambs who get bored and go looking for weak spots in the fence.  As soon as a lamb finds a weak spot, he'll be out in a heart beat and the rest will follow him.  They do it because sheep (and cows) are certain that the field next door has to be better than the one they're in.  The shepherd shows up and has a time getting them back into the correct pasture.  They don't want to leave this new one and go back to one they know.  

Humans in general and Christians in particular are a lot like sheep.  We're safer in a herd, this is why we're told not to neglect assembling together, Hebrews 10:25.  In the herd, sheep and Christians learn from each other, they look out for one another and are safer from coyote (the devil).  

Humans in general get themselves in trouble and stand there bawling until someone or God comes to bail them out.  Often, we can get ourselves out of trouble just by changing what we're doing, but we don't, we just stand there crying.  Sheep (or Christians) that have been in coyote country too long just can't seem to change their thinking and stop doing the stupid stuff that gets them into trouble.  That's why we need to be in a flock, it helps keep our thinking straight.

Sometimes we Christians get leaders who take the gullible off in the wrong direction.  Sometimes we go off in the wrong direction all by ourselves.  Then, when the Shepherd comes for us, we can't hear Him or see Him because we're so totally stressed and freaked.

You say you asked Jesus into your heart years ago, but here you are, a sheep considering following a bad leader with a gullible crowd into a wrong direction.  You can't hear or see the Shepherd because you're so stressed and freaked.

In this age it's popular to sample things, continually sample this and that, try everything before making up one's mind.  It's gotten to the point where people are so busy sampling they don't commit to anything and they end up dissatisfied and disillusioned.  

If you're a person who hasn't met the Shepherd, then it makes sense to go wandering around looking for Him, but you've met Him.  Why are you wandering through all these pastures hoping to find Him?  He could chase after you endlessly, but it's easier to wait until you exhaust yourself and then come pick you up from whatever ditch you've managed to get yourself into.  That's what a human shepherd might do with an obstinate sheep, as long as he knows the sheep is basically safe.  You want Him to follow you around while you sample and now you say you feel He's abandoned you?  You're so stressed in these hostile pastures, so confused, so disoriented, you can't even hear Him speak to you, you can't even see that He's right there beside you just waiting for you to give up and make Him truly LORD of your life.

What flock were you with when you asked Jesus into your heart?  Can't you return there?  What's wrong with that flock?  What's wrong with a similar flock from the one you were with when you asked Jesus into you heart?  Why are you messing around with the JW when they're heading in the wrong direction?  

What's wrong with the JW?

JW are appealing because they seem so certain of their beliefs and so calm.  They proceed with direct and purposeful steps whether it's trying to convert you or in Bible study.  The problem is their Bible is not the real deal, it's been rewritten to reflect the dogma of their founder, Charles Taze Russell, who began this cult back in 1872.  

The movement evolved until 1931 when it became officially known as Jehovah's Witness and adopted their version of the Bible.  They don't believe in the Triune God, they believe only in Jehovah, one God with no Son and no Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is a force, not a Person of God, not alive, not personal.  This is completely not what the Bible teaches respecting the Holy Spirit.  Instead of Jesus being a Person of God, they say He's a created being, initially an angel then born in human form, only a man, not God in human flesh.  They teach that Jesus did not rise from the dead in His physical body--completely NOT what the Bible teaches.  The Gospels clearly say that He had a body the Apostles could touch and He ate fish with them by the sea.  The list of things they believe that are just completely wrong is quite long.  You can read about it at this link: http://www.carm.org/religious-movements/jehovahs-witnesses

What have you been doing all these years?  You said you wanted Jesus to guide and protect you, but you feel abandoned.  You're obviously not guided because you come across to me as a novice who doesn't really know his Bible.  God said, "My people perish for lack of knowledge," Hosea 4:6.  You don't know you're in the middle of a war for your soul (part of the noise is the argument over the question, Is Jesus Lord?), your mind is uncertain what it believes because you've dabbled so much you're totally confused--obviously you haven't been guided.  You haven't been fed either, sounds like you haven't REALLY read your Bible until maybe recently, a little.  A starving sheep or man is an easy mark for coyote or the devil.  He can come up and take a bite any time he wants.

Another analogy:
Exploring various religions, dabbling here and there and not committing to anything, you've wandered into that dreaded place called "no man's land."  In real life and in the spirit when there's war, two camps line up for battle.  In the spirit realm it's God on one side the devil on the other.  If you don't commit fully to God, your whole heart, soul and mind, you may imagine yourself neutral.

You seem to have imagined yourself neutral, wandering from pasture to pasture.  Oh, I'm just sampling, looking for God.  Maybe someday I'll find Him.  The problem with being neutral is you're not in either God's camp or the devil's camp which makes you what is called: "target."  You're in that dead zone between battlefronts where all the arrows and slings and darts and missiles are flying.  The flimsy hodgepodge faith made of bits and pieces from here and there that you've constructed for yourself won't shield you in no man's land.  You're getting all the shrapnel and none of the shielding that comes from well fed and trained faith.  No wonder you're miserable.

To get into the fix you're in, it's clear you haven't been listening to the Shepherd for a long time. You've been going off on your own and now you're in coyote country and you're finally crying out to God.  Sheep do that all the time.  Once you get sheep in the habit of coming in to the barn at night, they'll all come in at dusk and bed down, but occasionally you get the idiot that wanders off on his own.  If the coyotes don't get him, he'll wander around out there all by himself until he dies unless the main herd happens to meet up with him and he rejoins the flock or the shepherd figures out he's not with the group and goes hunting for him.  

Are you finally ready to submit to the Shepherd?  He's standing right there, but you can't hear Him or see Him because you've made yourself so confused and stressed and terrorized out in no man's land or coyote country that fear is all you can see and feel.  

The sheep who's been in no man's land or coyote country too long thinks hell is all around him and maybe it is, but the Shepherd is right there the whole time.  It's your perception that's off because you're thinking hasn't been fixed on God, it's been fixed on sampling, it's been fixed on wandering around in all the various pastures out there looking for green grass instead of listening to the Shepherd.

If you gave your heart to Jesus a long time ago, how come you are out there by yourself?  What happened?  Have you been wanting God to guide and protect you according to your own idea of what that entails, like a sheep who wants to barn to be on the west side of the pasture instead of on the east where it actually is?  We can't come to God on our terms, we have to approach Him on His terms.  He's God.  He wouldn't be much of a God if we set the terms, would He.  For you that means get out of no man's land and give your self utterly and completely to Jesus.

In the modern era we typically don't have a clue what it means to make someone lord.  Back in the days of kings and queens, they knew what it meant.  The story I heard that made it all clear for me was one about England’s first Queen Elisabeth.  The people of England loved her so much that they would do anything for her; they’d die for her if that’s what she wanted.  She went before the men about to face the Spanish armada and asked them if they loved her and to a man they cried they loved her with their whole beings.  Why did they love her?  They loved her because she was just and wise.  She pulled them out of a pit.  They loved her because she was the living image of their nation in her very appearance, character and actions.  They loved her because she was a good shepherd for her people.  Loving someone to the point you’d be willing to obey that person no matter what and die for that person, that’s what it means to make someone lord.  

We learn Jesus as Lord, usually a little at a time.  Some people experience an instantaneous bang, it’s all a done deal, but most of us struggle and learn gradually.  If you don’t love Jesus with your whole heart, soul and mind, He’s not fully your LORD yet.  You may have His brand on your rump, but you haven't submitted to Him.  Now that you're out there with the coyotes and the sheep following the wrong leader, maybe it's time to submit to the Shepherd.

It’s clear that regardless of the specific reason why you're out of the pen and wandering around in the back pasture with the coyotes, you’re in the midst of a spiritual battle and you’re not properly armed.  You’re getting beat up pretty bad.  So give yourself up completely and utterly to the Shepherd. Find a reliable church like a Baptist or Assembly of God church that has a lot of cars around it on Sunday and go there.  Get back with a flock and stop wandering around in coyote country.

I know I've been a little rough on you, but since you asked for the truth and as your sister in Jesus I'm doing my best to tell it.  Write back.

Marilyn