Expert: Scott Talbot - 11/27/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dear Scott,
I know that as Christians we have better things to worry about! It's very puzzling that every Sunday and mid-week that I have to wear a head covering to go to my mother's church. I have to wear a head covering the whole entire time during mid-week service Bible Study! Can you imagine --- even during Bible Study (not even to mention that the Bible Study does not translate to what I read when I come home!) I don't see any other churches do this; it's very weird and uncomfortable. I just got spiral curls --- I'm having butterflies in  my stomach because come Sunday my hair is going to be absolutely messed up for work next week! Also, I am going to go to church again looking like a slave girl and a pilgrim ---- a long skirt, no earrings or jewelry, and no make-up. Why does my mom's church mandate a head covering when other Christian women are saying that according to the Word of God that we now have liberty in Christ, and why do I have to go to church looking a certain way just to please the church and the pastor? They are also quoting the Scriptures, telling us that God says that the Christian woman is forbidden from doing these things (maintaining her look, doing her hair, manicures, putting on make-up, wearing jewelry). RULES, RULES, RULES...I just got born-again; is this what Christianity is about? Please  need your expertise and support with Scriptures. Thanks a lot.

ANSWER: Hi Jamila,

I am thrilled to hear that you have recently been born again! As a brother, may I welcome you into the family.

To answer your question, NO, Christianity is NOT a system of rules. Many people, including some Christians, are willing to follow a RELIGION, a set of TRADITIONS, rather than to pursue a RELATIONSHIP with God, which is what He wants. Christianity is about being born again into God's family, and then growing closer to God as we get to know Him better.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that our lifestyle is unimportant. How we live, the choices we make, ... these are the outward signs that might reveal what's happening on the inside. We try to live a life pleasing to God out of GRATITUDE, not out of OBLIGATION.

I grew up in a legalistic church such as the one you mention. There was such a strong emphasis on rules--how to dress, hair length for men, rules about movies, TV, dating, music, etc. The church was trying to control how people lived. Further, the underlying misconception was that one becomes more "spiritual" based on what he does or doesn't do. That's putting the cart before the horse. What we do doesn't make us spiritual or unspiritual. Rather, our level of spiritual maturity affects what we do.

Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart. The emphasis should be on a growing relationship with Jesus Christ rather than simply an obsession with the externals.

During Jesus' time, there was a religious group called the Pharisees. While they based their teaching on the Old Testament Scriptures, the emphasis was not on connecting with God, but rather on developing an intricate system of rules. This system became an involved maze of DO's and DON'T's that covered every conceiveable facet of life. They wanted people to believe they were teaching God's laws, but it was a man-made system of fabricated rules.

The same is true of modern-day legalists. They will show you a passage that talks about modest dress for women. Then they will go on to tell you what THEY believe is "modest," thereby creating a Pharisaical system of religion devoid of real value. They will tell you that certain kinds of music are evil. While they may point to several verses, careful analysis will demonstrate that the passages they quote don't actually support the specifics of their rules. Some even make an issue out of which English translation of the Bible is best. (You won't find a Scripture passage to support that one!)

I guess what I'm saying, Jamila, is that I understand perfectly well what you're talking about, and the danger involved in advocating a man-made system of rules. If you have the option, I would recommend looking for another church that isn't mired in legalism, but instead emphasizes grace. If that is not an option, then try to be gracious about the situation and make the best of it until you are able to pull away from that.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to write back if you would like to discuss further.

Scott

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Scott,
First and foremost, I have to apologize for what I am about to say and sincerely hope that you can endure with me --- it is quite a mouthful. You see the issue here is what I read and what my mom's church teaches are VASTLY different. I have been diligently reading God's Word and the Holy Spirit has revealed to me of recent that these people twist the Scriptures like crazy to suit their own doctrines and belief system!
Furthermore, I thank you for offering me the opportunity to write back to you for any further discussion. Lastly, thank you so very much (tearfully grateful) for your spiritual advice and for your Biblical insight and willingness to help me. Would the following Scriptures help me in this situation since these 'church' leaders are twisting Scriptures out of context to suit their man-made beliefs and practices?? Please I need your expertise. I have typed them out below. You mentioned the English version which I have typed out here...Well, guess what? You know how you mentioned to me (above) that the passages that they quote, after careful analysis, DO NOT actually support the specifics of their rules? I agree, because they only always use and preach that all of the members should only use the KING JAMES VERSION of the Bible. I figure that the reason why they mandate such is because if people use other versions of the Bible that they will find out that they are a bunch of legalistic church leaders!! Scott, please correct me if I am wrong in my analysis...these church leaders have gone outside of the realm of correct Biblical doctrines. Please let me know if the following Scriptures which I have typed out below will help me out:
ROMANS 14:12All of us will have to give an account of ourselves to God.
13So let’s stop criticizing each other. Instead, you should decide never to do anything that would make other Christians have doubts or lose their faith.

14The Lord Jesus has given me the knowledge and conviction that no food is unacceptable in and of itself. But it is unacceptable to a person who thinks it is. 15So if what you eat hurts another Christian, you are no longer living by love. Don’t destroy anyone by what you eat. Christ died for that person. 16Don’t allow anyone to say that what you consider good is evil.

17God’s kingdom does not consist of what a person eats or drinks. Rather, God’s kingdom consists of God’s approval and peace, as well as the joy that the Holy Spirit gives. 18The person who serves Christ with this in mind is pleasing to God and respected by people.

19So let’s pursue those things which bring peace and which are good for each other. 20Don’t ruin God’s work because of what you eat. All food is acceptable, but it’s wrong for a person to eat something if it causes someone else to have doubts.

I Corinthians 8:8Food will not affect our relationship with God. We are no worse off if we eat that food and no better off if we don’t.
(I meditated on these verse, especially based on what you said above: the 'presumptuous' underlying misconception that a born-again Christian becomes more "spiritual" based on what he/she does or doesn't do. For example I listen to R& B music and uptempo Gospel music; according to my mom's church this is forbidden and unacceptable with God.  But after reading Romans 14, and correlating with some verse in I Corinthians 8, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit in directing my conscience towards proper applications of faith, I do not see anything wrong listening to this type of music in my Christian walk/relationship with Christ.

Here are two other passages in Scriptures which I reviewed
(in relation to what you said above --- a Pharisaical system of religion devoid of real value, brings the believer to bondage; completely voids salvation by grace and liberty in Christ, and ruins the real meaning of Christianity, which is a relationship with God through his Son, Christ Jesus):
Galatians 2:3 Yet not even Titus, who was with me, was compelled to be circumcised, even though he was a Greek. 4 This matter arose because some false believers had infiltrated our ranks to spy on the freedom we have in Christ Jesus and to make us slaves. 5 We did not give in to them for a moment, so that the truth of the gospel might be preserved for you.
And last but not least, Matthew 15
Matthew 15 (New International Version, ©2010) --- THIS IS FROM MY BIBLE; I have the New International Version

Matthew 15
That Which Defiles
1 Then some Pharisees and teachers of the law came to Jesus from Jerusalem and asked, 2 “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They don’t wash their hands before they eat!”

3 Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’[a] and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’[b] 5 But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is ‘devoted to God,’ 6 they are not to ‘honor their father or mother’ with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. 7 You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you:

  8 “‘These people honor me with their lips,
  but their hearts are far from me.
9 They worship me in vain;
  their teachings are merely human rules.’[c]”

10 Jesus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen and understand. 11 What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.”

Followers of Tradition
Mark 7: 1(A)The Pharisees and some of the scribes gathered around Him when they had come (B)from Jerusalem,

2and had seen that some of His disciples were eating their bread with (C)impure hands, that is, unwashed.

3(For the Pharisees and all the Jews do not eat unless they carefully wash their hands, thus observing the (D)traditions of the elders;

4and when they come from the market place, they do not eat unless they cleanse themselves; and there are many other things which they have received in order to observe, such as the washing of (E)cups and pitchers and copper pots.)

5The Pharisees and the scribes asked Him, "Why do Your disciples not walk according to the (F)tradition of the elders, but eat their bread with (G)impure hands?"

6And He said to them, "Rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written:
        '(H)THIS PEOPLE HONORS ME WITH THEIR LIPS,
        BUT THEIR HEART IS FAR AWAY FROM ME.
   7'(I)BUT IN VAIN DO THEY WORSHIP ME,
        TEACHING AS DOCTRINES THE PRECEPTS OF MEN.'

8"Neglecting the commandment of God, you hold to the (J)tradition of men."

9He was also saying to them, "You are experts at setting aside the commandment of God in order to keep your (K)tradition.
So if Jesus said this to the Pharisees, and there were false believers in Apostle Paul's day, why does God allow these people to still exist, disrupting the church, and ruining my relationship with Christ?
Thanks Scott for your help. I hope you can forgive me --- and thank you for your time.
Jamila

ANSWER: Hi Jamila,

It's apparent to me that you know your Scriptures! You have done an excellent job of searching out passages that rightly apply to this situation.

Here are a couple more that come to my mind:

2 Corinthians 10:12 We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.

Legalism is a way of achieving spiritual status while inwardly judging and condemning others for not measuring up. There is a tendency to rank oneself and others, thereby creating a mentality of spiritual degrees. It is this very practice that Paul condemns.

Mark 12:29-31 Jesus answered him, "The first of all the commandments is: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.'  This is the first commandment.  And the second, like it, is this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'  There is no other commandment greater than these.

Legalism is not about love, but rather about spiritual pride. It's about putting on a facade and trying to prove to others that I'm spiritual, while using external criteria to evaluate the spirituality of others ... so that one can either embrace another "acceptable" Christian brother, or stand in judgment of his shortcomings. The thing that first started to open my eyes to legalism was the very clear understanding that it wasn't about genuine love for God or for each other. It turned Christianity into a contest rather than a family.

Jamila, all of these passages are applicable to this situation. I think you're looking for direction as to how to respond to these people. May I offer a few thoughts?

1. Be careful not to fall into the same trap of spiritual superiority. Remember, the problem to which you're reacting is spiritual pride, Pharisaism, judgmentalism. Legalism feeds on spiritual superiority. Be careful not to become what you're condemning by adopting the attitude that you're better because your doctrinal position is better. (In other words, be careful not to become proud about your humility.)

2. Be gracious, kind, and loving. Proverbs tells us that flies are attracted to honey, but are repelled by vinegar. If you care about helping these people, be clear and honest, but do so in a kind way.

3. Be patient. From my own experience, I can tell you that I was brainwashed for years with legalism. Despite the fact that the Scriptures are clear, I couldn't see it for what it was. I condemned the Pharisees, not realizing that I was immersed in the same mindset. Understand that the Legalist truly believes he is doing the right thing. He is pursuing purity of doctrine and purity of heart ... but he is misguided as to how to do it. He believes that to abandon his "rules" would mean to sin terribly against God (license to sin). What he needs to understand is that the personal lifestyle choices matter, but they are the OUTGROWTH of one's spirituality, not the MEANS of one's spirituality. The emphasis ought to be on GRACE. (See Romans 5 & 6.)

4. Be respectful of your mother. I have no idea how old you are, Jamila, and whether you are still living at home or on your own. If you are still a minor and living with your mother, then you should be respectful of your mother. She may insist that you follow certain rules and even attend her church. I doubt there would be any virtue or even practical benefit in rebelling against her wishes. Be obedient to your mother. If you feel the need to speak up about your disagreements and concerns, then do so in a respectful manner and with a loving attitude. Even if you're no longer living with your mother, you should still be respectful and gracious towards her. An attitude of anger and condemnation will do little good.

We can keep this conversation going, if you wish. I'm always here.

Scott

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Scott,
Yes, I do know without a doubt that I have to be respectful to my mother. That is my duty as her child (Ephesians 6:1-3).
But see I am no longer under her roof; I do not need to be told how to dress when going to church__. The reason for her telling me to dress a certain way when going to her church is because she is afraid what the ministers will think. She wants to impress the minister that her children are living godly lives through their dress___. Let me give you an example. One time (and this was when I was back in high school) I came back from school and I was wearing a pair of pants. She met me halfway down the street to our house back then, holding a PIPEYE (however you spell it) longstocking skirt and a Wendy's old fashioned top. That day I looked at her in amazement. She brought the family car with her and I changed in the car. Do you want to know why she went through all of this trouble? Because she was afraid that the ministers who were coming to visit, would drive past and see me before arriving the house. She was afraid of them thinking: 'Sis. ____ kid was walking down from school with a pair of pants and earrings and a rayon top.' And I was 18 at the time! I was dressed well; modest; always have been considerate of my appearance in public from a young girl. But this my mom's definition of modesty is the following:
1. Absolutely no jewelry (quoting I Timothy 2: 9,10; by the way they only look at the part that says: 'not with broided hair, gold,pearls...' and translate that to mean no jewelry, without taking into consideration the context of the whole 2 verses.
2. NO pants or rather pants are fobidden on women (Deut. 22:5)
3. No fashionable apparel (emphasis on jewelry, or any kind of ornamentation)
4. No foundation; make-up, including beauty treatments, cosmetics. Beauty treatments include facials.
5. Christian women are not supposed to get manicures or pedicures. This is only for worldly women (the Scriptures they quote is I John 2:15-17). You and I know that this verse indicates for the believer not to have an INORDINATE love for the things of the world. Kinda like 'do not have any other gods before me__' if you put your trust in Him as God and believe on his only begotten Son; all these other things should come secondarily. But my mom's church translates I John 2: 15-17 to mean don't have anything to do with materialism. You see, they say, true Christians are to have nothing in this world and are supposed to be poor___. Sometimes I wonder whether they remember the parable of the master and the steward who did not make good use of the money he had given him____. I John 2: 15-17 is like saying: Do not love money, no man can serve money (mammon) and God; you either hate one and love the other. But because these ministers are spiritual gypsies -- they do not understand that the word 'hate' in the Bible, though used vehemently, means to love one thing more than the other. In this case, 'Love the Lord God with all of your heart, and mind, and soul', do not place anything before him, and do not engage in idolatry.
6. Do not listen to music that does not glorify God. Satan corrupted music when he was cast down from heaven. Scott, is this true?

My mother does not do anything to her face and it is a bad witness to Christ I think. When we go out I am embarrased by her. She used to be a gorgeous lady and when she signed whatever covenant she signed with this church, they started to control the way she looked and what she wore (exactly what she is doing to me). First the earrings came off--- she doesn't even wear her wedding band anymore. Then all of a sudden she stopped applying even foundation on her face to cover up blemishes. Then one Christmas when I got her perfume she told me to return it to the store because she didn't wear it anymore. I immediately knew that it was linked to the church.
You see Scott, I may sound stupid, but really I am not. A woman is a glorious being and to neglect her face or the beauty that God has given her is irreverent, irreligious, and irresponsible. Did the Old Testament women neglect their appearances? Didn't they groom themselves accordingly? I hear that Rebecca, Sarah, and Queen Vashti and Esther were just a few of the beautiful women from Biblical times.
I am also not stupid because EACH and every member in my mother's church looks like Casper the ghost. They are ugly! But guess what? They all say that the Holy Spirit told them to take off their earrings, make-up, jewelry, .....doesn't the Holy Spirit convict of sin?
Concerned in Christ, Jamila

Answer
Jamila,

This church sounds almost like a cult. It's about control, guilt, and pressuring people into following man-made rules. It's the Pharisees all over again.

Here are some of the dangers of this type of religious environment:

* It overlooks love as the first and greatest commandment.
* It focuses on rules rather than a growing relationship with Christ.
* It assumes that one can earn more spiritual "points" by following a list of DO's and DON'T's.
* It leads to religious pride--the notion that I am better than someone else because I'm doing a better job of following the rules.
* It mars the reputation of Jesus Christ and likely drives some away from Christ rather than towards Him.
* It misses the mark on discipleship, choosing to manipulate members with man-made doctrine rather than training them in the Scriptures.
* It leads to guilt, since no one can faithfully follow all the rules.
* It leads to hypocrisy, as one is forced to put on a religious "mask" and pretend he's following all the rules.
* It leads to scrutiny, judgment, and condemnation of others.
* It is completely devoid of grace.
* It is a manifestation of pride.

No, God never intended women to make themselves look ugly in order to prove that they're "good people." No, Satan did not corrupt music when he fell. (When Adam and Eve fell into sin, all things were affected by sin. But this is different than saying Satan corrupted music.) It's interesting. You will not find one verse in the Bible that tells you a certain kind of music is bad, and other kinds are not bad. Do the people in your mother's church know that many of the hymns they sing out the hymn book have melodies that were borrowed from popular bar songs of the time? Music itself is neither good nor bad. Like all forms of art, it's merely an expression of what's inside.

Jamila, it's clear that you understand that your mother's church is pointing people in the wrong direction. If I were you, I would choose not to attend the church and politely explain your reasons to your mother if she asks. If you decide that you want to show these people (or just your mother) the dangers of their theology, do so graciously, and be sure you back up what you say with Scripture. Understand, however, that these people are convinced that they're right, and that what they're doing and teaching is based on Scripture. If anyone tries to tell them otherwise, they will look at that person as a heretic. They're entrenched in a belief system, and it is very hard to extricate one from that.

Scott