Expert: Rev C.Brian Ross - 2/8/2010

Question
Rev.,

I am turning to you for advice because your views on divorce and remarriage are so close to my own.

My wife and I were married in a Christian service, but six months ago she insisted that we separate and is 100% set on divorce. We dated for years beforehand, but I waffled back-and-forth about marriage for a couple reasons: 1) she had been married previously to a Mormon (although she was, ostensibly, Christian), and she & I committed adultery during this marriage; we repented, but then her husband asked for a divorce (without knowing about the affair); she rested the issue on 1 Cor 7.15 and considered the marriage dead. At first, so did I, so we immediately began dating, despite her divorce not yet being legalized. Her husband was, despite his apparent desire for divorce, displeased. Ever since, my conscience was seared with guilt--I wondered for years if I had played ANY role in the demise of that marriage, and my guilt was constantly at war with my love of the woman. 2) Over the years that we dated, whenever I read *anything* in the Bible about adultery or about "the adultress [...] whose house leads down to Sheol," etc., my heart seized. I feared I was yoked to a woman who would be my spiritual death, yet I "loved" her too much to leave her. Eventually we decided to marry, and on the eve of our wedding, I almost backed out for the reasons I just described. She threatened to have nothing more to do with me, either romantically or as a friend or acquaintance, if I didn't go through with the wedding. Since I considered her my best friend (and was "in love" with her), I decided to marry and simply hope that God would go along with it. My spiritual prolems continued into the marriage, and I ended up becoming agnostic for a couple years. When I finally came back to God, two weeks later, my wife decided she was "done." A months or so after the separation, she claimed we were never "married in Christ" because we did not marry in good faith. It's a rationalization on her part--but I'm not entirely sure it's not true.

If it is true, what do I do now? Do I accept the divorce peaceably? Am I free to remarry, or am I bound to my vows, "good faith" or no?

Answer
Hi Marc

Having read through your 'question' a number of times, I was tempted to press the button that says that  "This question is too long and involved for me to help with."  However, I do feel for you, and can sense some of the anguish in which you find yourself.  The following is offered, therefore, not as some kind of definitive answer - because I believe that you need some deep, personal, face-to-face, counselling - but as a few thoughts that might encourage you to seek counselling.

The story that you have recounted certainly suggests that your life is in a bit of a mess.  However, the wonder of the Christian Gospel message is that God deals with messed-up lives!  From my perspective, you are in a position in which you need (if you haven't done so already) to fully confess the whole of this tangle to God; repent of the mistakes that you have made; accept the forgiveness that He offers so freely; and seek His will for the remainder of your life (which, I would maintain, should be celibate while your ex-wife is alive).

This, I know, sounds harsh - but so does invasive surgery of the physical body.  However, it is sometimes necessary in order to save a life!  In all of this, I would encourage you to seek counsel from a mature, Bible-believing, brother in the Lord, with whom you could meet on a regular basis for as long as necessary; rather than from someone who lives on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.

This may not be the sort of answer that you were expecting, but it is the best that I can offer in these circumstances.  I pray that you will receive the right advice, and that you will discover that, for all who call on the name of the Lord, "underneath are the everlasting arms" of the One Who has already promised to be with His people always.

Blessings

C.Brian Ross (Rev)

PS  Just curious as to how quickly I would have had to answer such a complex "question" to be rated a '10' for 'Timeliness'!!!!  I would have thought that less than five-and-half hours - on an internet forum - was actually pretty quick!  Anyway, I'll know what to do if I get another question that is not really to do with Biblical Theology - reject it.
Blessings