Expert: Paul Walker - 3/12/2010

Question
My question is not unlike the previous sister's question regarding a husband who leaves his family.  If my "saved", pastor husband has made it clear that he no longer wants to be married to me, and refuses to aid in any support (financial or otherwise), am I obligated to remain married to him?  It has been almost two years, and he has still to tell me what it was that I did to cause him to deem our marriage "irreparable".  He hasn't stated my so called fault to anyone, not his best friend nor his senior pastor.  He did tell me once that I was "not going in the same direction as him".  My reply was, "just tell me which direction your going in and I'll follow you".  Needless to say he never told me where he wanted me to go, or what he wanted me to do.  It was pretty much simply that I never did anything right. I respect the Word of God highly and am familiar with the scriptures regarding the "unbeliever" leaving and letting him go, but what are two believers supposed to do?  A little back ground...We were both saved years prior to being married.  Been married 15 years and have 7 (seven) children from our union.  There has been no adultery, lying, cheating, drugs, addictions or anything on either of our parts.  Though he'd been distant and harsh about 6 months prior to leaving, I thought it was just stress.   One day, with a brand new 5 month old baby in my arms, he told me he was leaving and he wanted a divorce.  That's all she wrote.  Since then, I've held down 2 jobs at the same time and tried to feed, clothe, and shelter our seven children in a modest home while he lives in an upscale apartment.  I mention these things only to point out the horrific disparity in his caring for himself versus caring for his children.  That aside, the moment he walked out, I cried out to the Lord not to lay this sin to his account, and I forgave him.  During these past two years, he continues to make demands of me and on the family almost daily...whether it's for me to buy something "he" feels the children need, or whether it is for me to move to his side of town so he can be closer to see the children.  I did the latter, and moved across town only to find that nothing changed.  One day, while prompted by the holy spirit, I went to his apartment, got on my knees and asked for his forgiveness of anything that I'd done to cause him to not love me.  We "reconciled" briefly (2 months) before I noticed his harsh treatment resurfacing.  I asked if something was wrong and he then told me that "he believed I was schitzophrenic and he didnt know what I would do".  I asked if he still wanted to continue with the reconciliation and dwell with me again, he paused and then said no.  Again, I returned to being a single mother.  Is my life suppose to continue this way indefinitely or am I no longer in bondage to this madness?  If I had a minister and his wife locally to discuss matters with, I would.  However, my husband has such influence in our church denomination, that everyone has been duped into believing that he has not become the "man whose worse than an infidel" as the word of God describes.  By the way, the only people who know what he has done are family and close friends (he stormed out and yelled he wanted a divorce in front of my family and HIS friends).  The church body as a whole is unaware of the entire situation and even that he has never given $1 to the care of his 7 children.  I have not said anything to the church leadership as not to be deemed "an accuser of the brethern".  Nor did I want to shame him before his peers.  However, an accuser would bring a false testimony, right?.  I have only the truth.  Perhaps I'll just continue to let God defend me.

Answer
Dear Toni,
First and foremost my heart and prayers are with you. I know how difficult this is for you and the strain it is upon you. I wish I could provide you the answer that would take all the pain and suffering away, but there is no such answer in this life. From your post it seems you desire to do right and put the glory of the Lord and the respect of your husband first. It also seems you have fulfilled your obligations to him and it is now long past time for him to fulfill his.
Scripturally, if two people are saved and married there is no grounds for divorce. So says the Lord through Paul.
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 KJV  (10)  And unto the married I command, yet NOT I, BUT THE LORD, LET NOT THE WIFE DEPART FROM HER HUSBAND:  (11)  BUT AND IF SHE DEPART, LET HER REMAIN UNMARRIED, OR BE RECONCILED TO HER HUSBAND: AND LET NOT THE HUSBAND PUT AWAY HIS WIFE.
The question of what to do if one of the pair refuse to obey God's word is always a difficult one for me to have to answer. Christianity is a life of Service, Sacrifice and Suffering for the glory of the Lord Jesus Christ. However, God has provided the approved remedy. You have completed the first part by going to him and humbling yourself to attempt to correct the problems. It is now time for you to take it to the next level.
Matthew 18:15-17 KJV  Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.  (16)  But IF HE WILL NOT HEAR THEE, THEN TAKE WITH THEE ONE OR TWO MORE, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.  (17)  And IF HE SHALL NEGLECT TO HEAR THEM, TELL IT UNTO THE CHURCH: but IF HE NEGLECT TO HEAR THE CHURCH, LET HIM BE UNTO THEE AS AN HEATHEN MAN AND A PUBLICAN.
You do not say what kind of Church or what type of teaching goes on there. I am not confident in the result, but you must now set this before the Senior Pastor and I highly suggest you request his wife to be present or one of the senior ladies in the Church. They are required of God to first suspend any ministerial position your husband has, demand he find work and support you and the children and explain his actions. If this fails, the Pastor is obligated to take the matter to the Chruch as a whole and throw him out if he repent not. They are also obligated to aid you in the interm until this matter is settle one way or another.
If they fail to do so, then I personally recommend you see a lawyer and not request a divorce but support.
I do not mean to infer by this that you are the cause of anything, however, I would like to suggest you read "Fascinating Womanhood", by Helen Andelin. You can find her website at, "www.fascinatingwomanhood.net. It maybe of aid to you, it may not.
Although not quite the extended trauma you have been going through, my father died in his thirties and left my mother with seven children and no money. We were lost and unchurched and she remained unmarried raising us. We could have turned out better, there is no denying that but it is possible by God's grace to do so. Myself, I have my wife and our two mothers and six children with one income. I realize that the situation is a lot better than what you are going through, but it is not at all easy but God has promised that the rewards will far out weigh the sacrifice and suffering.
Your Servant In Christ Jesus,
Paul Walker