Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 7/7/2010

Question
Many years ago someone close to me did a truly evil thing to someone else close to me. (I don’t want to go into details, but this was not something trivial. It was not just unpleasant, irritating or annoying. It was EVIL – the kind of thing that destroys people’s lives, reputations and families. Please just take my word for it and go from there.)

I stopped associating with her. As time went by, I learned it was not an isolated incident – she has spent her life – from childhood till now – spreading truly horrible lies to and about people close to her.

She was very good at hiding her deeds, so they never knew the lies she was telling about them. I never told any of those people what she had done and most of them are dead now. They died believing her lies about me, about each other and other people. She has never acknowledged what she did and as far as I know continued doing the same kind of thing.

How do I forgive her? I am not in contact with her and do not wish to be. A few hears ago, I began praying for her and for the people she harmed with her evil. All that did was reopen it in my mind. The outcome was that I was so distracted that I stopped praying daily, as I had done for years.

I am in my 60s and believe that I will one day be forgiven as I have forgiven others. How do I forgive her? I am thinking of beginning to pray daily, “Dear Lord, help me forgive her so that you will forgive me.” My concern is that is will just keep her evil fresh in my mind.

Answer
Hi Jo,

Thank you for this great question.  I am sorry for the hurt that you have experienced and I am sorry for my very late response.  It is important that we understand what forgiveness is and what it is not.

Forgiveness is not:

- Saying that what she did was ok
-  That it no longer matters to you.
- That you forget what happened
- That you trust her again

Forgiveness is:

- Totally surrendering the matter to God and His justice.  If he decides to judge her in a way you see it, fine.  If He judges her privately fine... if He has mercy on her fine... forgiveness means you no longer have a claim on exacting some kind of retribution.  You can pray for help with this if you wish.  I would suggest that you pray a daily prayer of surrender giving the matter over to God and His perfect will.

Romans 12:18-21
18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Ephesians 4:26-32
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil. 28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth.  29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.  30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

I hope that this helps you.  I know it is difficult, but perhaps understanding exactly what forgiveness it, may ease your burden a bit.

In Christ
Pastor Don