Expert: Rev C.Brian Ross - 8/29/2011

Question
Hello Rev. Ross,

I was born into the Christian faith and I have tried to live my life like a Christian although I amdit I am not perfect. I have given into temptation many times and have committed many sins. But I will get the point. (I apologize in advance for the long letter)

About two months ago I was on my computer looking up a video tutorial, but it wasn't playing properly and I got a bit annoyed. I then had a really horrible thought...

"God get this working. Even Satan get this working...I would sell my soul to get this working."

I immediately became very afraid for thinking that and I remember being afraid that my computer would actually start working. I then told myself...

"The devil isn't the way. He only leads to death and damnation."

I asked God to forgive me for thinking that thought and I intially tried to brush it off as a bad thought and tried to move on, but I kept feeling this creeping fear that I sold my soul.

Everyday since and at times it seems like every few minutes I ask God for forgiveness for thinking I'd sell my soul. But I don't know if that's a true confession.

What I mean by that is I am unsure now of what to confess to. For just having a bad thought about selling my soul or for actually selling my soul.

I have spoken to several people about this situation including my mom, brother, my pastor, even a pastoral counselor. They all tell me I am okay. My pastor told me that we are human and we all have bad thoughts sometimes, and my mom told me God has already forgiven me for the bad thought and I just need to let go.

But unfortuantely I can't seem to let go of this. I know what I thought was wrong and I am sorry for it, but what scares me is if even for a moment I meant what I thought. What's even sadder is that I know God forgives all sins, but the idea that I would actually "want" to sell my soul is very hard for me to accept.

This whole incident has left me going back over every bad thought I can remember having trying to figure out if I meant them or not. One in particular...

I was doing some yardwork for my parents a few months ago, but there was going to be a night service at my church within the hour. However I admit I didn't really want to go. I just wanted to finish my work and just chill out. I then remember thinking...

"Screw God. This is more important."

I know God must always come first, but at the time I didn't think much of the thought until recently. Again I know it was wrong, but I have been trying to figure out if I meant what I thought.

My point for telling you these stories and wrting this long letter to ask these questions.

I know you weren't there and you defintely don't know what's going on in my head. But should I ask forgiveness for thinking a bad thought about selling my soul or for actaully selling my soul?

My overall problem is when it comes to confessing especailly with thoughts do we need to confess thinking the thoughts or for the actions the thoughts represent? Does this make any sense.

I am truly sorry for my thoughts and I am now trying to keep a tighter reign on my thoughts. But I am afraid and confused.

I would appreciate any advice you might have for me. I just want to stop feeling afraid and move on with my life.

Answer
Hi Alexander.

Thank you for taking the time to write as fully as you have done.  I must admit that your situation comes under the heading of Counselling, rather than Biblical Studies, and my first reaction was to reject it as being outwith my own area of expertise.  However, I do hear your heart's cry and so, as you ask, am offering my personal advice - but not claiming any expertise!

My first comment must be with regard to your opening words: "I was born into the Christian faith ..."  This could well be the root of your difficulty.  You see, no-one is "born" into the Christian faith.  To be a true follower of Jesus requires being "born again" (see Jn.3:16).  If you have never made that specific move of confessing your sinfulness (i.e. your natural inclination to sin); accepted that, on the cross at Calvary, the Lord Jesus paid the penalty for that sin - a penalty that you can never pay; accepted His free gift of full salvation; and confessed Him as both Saviour and Lord (the latter is of great importance!); then I would have to say that you have been trying to live the Christian life while not being a Christian!

If I am correct in all of that (and please forgive me if I am not), then there is your first action.  The devil will use every ploy in the book - and a few that haven't yet been written - to keep you where he wants you to be - in a place of despair.  Jesus said "I have come that [you] might have life, and have it in all its fulness" (Jn.10:10)

For the true disciple of Jesus, there is <b>NO<b> condemnation (Rom.8:1).  We have the promise that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (I Jn 1:9-10).  Such confession covers every sin - of word, thought, or deed; of commission, or of omission.

You do not state your age group, but I sense that you are a fairly young person.  Even as a disciple of Jesus for many, many years, I still have to come before father God on a daily basis and confess to my sins.  You will, if you are truly walking with the Lord, and with God the Holy Spirit dwelling within you, discover that while, in this life, we will never be sinless, we may, by the grace of God sin less!

I commend you to that amazing grace of God, and trust that my own rambling thoughts may, through Him, bring some peace to your own heart.

Blessings

C.Brian Ross (Rev)