Expert: Marilyn - 6/10/2007

Question
QUESTION: Dear Marilyn,
I am currently facing an issue on the homefront. I am married with a 6yr old daughter. My mother lives with us cause we had asked to do so as we did'nt want her to be alone. But now due to certain experiences where we realised that she has been interfering in our marriage, we feel that we need to live alone without her. The problem is that I do not know how to break the news to her as I feel like I'm throwing her out of the house while at the same time, my husband too keeps pressurising me to tell her. My mother is a teacher and her school does provide accommodation for her. Please advise on how I should go about this without hurting anyone.

ANSWER: Hello Abigail;

The bad news is you may not be able to avoid hurting your mother's feelings, but if you can't live with her, she has to go.   

However, you may try enlisting her in helping solve the problem.  

You might try something like, "Mother, we so looked forward to having you come and live with us, but there's just not enough room here for all of us.  What do you suggest?  Do you think it would be better to move to a house with an attached apartment or a guest house in the back?"  

If you have a detached garage you could say, "Maybe what we need to do is remodel the garage so you can have your own space.  Haven't you felt cramped in here?  Wouldn't it be nice to have your own space?"  

You might have to add, "Of course, we'd need your monetary help with this project, but wouldn't it be nice if you had your own rooms and you didn't have to worry about us barging in or intruding with the noise?"

Or you might say, "What do you think about getting a small trailer where you can have your own space?  We can put it in the back yard and you could get up when you like...etc."

Maybe moving or remodeling or getting a trailer isn't an option.

You might say, "Mother, we so looked forward to having you come to live with us, but this arrangement just isn't working, we've realized we're just too used to having the apartment to ourselves and we feel like sardines.  What do you suggest?"

Maybe you don't want your mother making suggestions.  

Maybe you could say, "Mother, we so looked forward to your living with us, but no matter how hard we try, we just can't adjust.  We just feel packed in, on top of one another.  Our bed time routines are all out of whack and it's starting to affect our work and Daughter's school work too.  It's just that we're too crowded in here.  We hate to think what a nuisance we are to you!  I've looked around and I've found a nice place where you can have your own space.  Wouldn't it be nice to have your own space where you can do what you like?  It's close by and we'll be by every day.  I can cook some meals to put in your freezer so you won't have to worry about that and we'd love to have you over for Sunday dinner.  Daughter and I can come and help keep it clean.  Would you like to go look at the place I found?"

No matter what you do, her feelings may still be hurt.  There's nothing you can do about it except be as apologetic and reasonable sounding as you possibly can.  Emphasize that it's not her fault, you just haven't been able to adjust.  Be as willing as you possibly can to accomodate her needs and make her happy and comfortable as possible while still achieving your objective.

On one level, perhaps it's not entirely "true" that she's not the problem.  From what I gather, she is the problem, but keep the blame on you, keep the focus on your inability to adjust, don't point out what she's done wrong if you can at all avoid it.  

Truth is good and must be maintained at all times, but it must be tempered with mercy.  It will serve no good purpose to point out to her that she's been meddling.  

If you're forced to explain to her what she's been doing, it has to be as a last ditch attempt to get through to her that you're serious.  Try to keep your mind flexible and don't consider that option available until you've exhausted all other ideas.  If it comes to explaining what she's done, hurt feelings will most likely happen.  

And it wouldn't be wise to get into a situation where you end up explaining everything she's been doing and then feel compelled to negotiate with her to give her another chance.  Don't go there.  If you give her another chance, it's not likely she'll be able to change.  Plus, the household would be focused on "the problem" and be unable to think of anything else, totally defeating your objective.  

Stick to your objective, don't negotiate.  Keep on reminding her that you did look forward to her living with you, you had thought it would be a wonderful idea and it just didn't work out--it's especially not her fault.  "Mother, personalities clashed, values clashed, needs clashed, and friction happened.  We just need our own space, it's not your fault, we just couldn't adjust."

If you can't avoid getting into the ugly, nitty gritty, place the blame on yourself and your husband.  If you're willing to take the blame, that can go a long way toward avoiding hurting her feelings.  In most interpersonal relationships where conflicts arise, both parties share blame.  But it's not your responsibility to get her to take her share, that's the Lord's job.  Don't do His work for Him.  Just take the blame.  Let her lay it all on you, if that's what she chooses to do, and most likely, she won't be hurt.  

"Mother, we're just not up to it.  We thought we could handle it, but we can't.  We just have our routines and foibles and we haven't been able to change.  It's our fault, we just haven't been able to make the adjustment."  

She may decide you're too weak, too selfish, or whatever she decides; she might be disgusted with you, but maybe she won't be hurt.

Pray about it.  You've already put up with her this long, you can stand a couple more days while you lay the matter before the Lord.  Get your husband praying with you.  Before you speak to her ask the Lord to give you the words you need to break this to her as gently as possible.  

Your husband needs to be with you when you speak to your mother so that you present a united front.  It will also lessen the likelihood that she'll attempt manipulations and guilt trips, if she does that sort of thing.  But the main reason is because you're a team and this is a team issue.  By the way, make arrangements for your daughter to be out of the house when you talk to your mother.

I will pray for you.

Marilyn

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Marilyn,

With regard to the above problem, I must say that things are much better at home now. My mum is back to normal and she will be moving out in September. But today, while I was talking to a common friend of both me & my mom, she kept telling me how my mum is capable of hiding her real feelings and putting up a smile for me. She also told me that my mum's main intention to stay with us was because she thought she had to protect me against any hurt caused by my husband. I still feel so bad cause she also added that as much as I may think that I took this step for the right reasons, my mum would still feel that she has been thrown out of the house by her daughter. However, just to let you know, this friend also lives with her daughter and her family, so sometimes I feel she is defending herself more than anything else.

Nevertheless, these feelings are nagging me Marilyn, and I just want to ask for your prayers for my mother. That she may have the peace of mind that comes from God and one day she would speak to me openly and truly understand the situation.

Looking forward to your reply.


Best regards,

Abigail  

Answer
Hello Abigail;

Glad to hear things have improved.  This friend is meddling, good intentions or not.  Rather than advising you that your mother hides her feelings, she should be talking to your mother about NOT hiding her feelings, if she's going to meddle at all.   

How would you feel if you were in your mother's place?  I'm not surprised she feels she's being thrown out, If I were in her place, I might feel that way even if I had to admit I'd been a problem and deserved to be "thrown out."  It's just a difficult situation all the way around and there's no getting away from that fact.

My policy is to be direct and straightforward with my loved ones, but I realize many people don't operate that way.  They keep their true feelings masked, some manipulate, some express anger in sneaky, undermining ways, etc. etc.  If you confront your mother about supposed hard feelings, you might create them when they don't actually exist.  If you confront her and they do exist, she may feel free to express everything she's held bottled up and some of it might come out worse than she really intends simply because its been bottled up.  If she vents her hurt at you, will it change anything?  Do you then relent and allow her to remain in your home?  If you do, then you're as much as saying the reason you asked her to move out wasn't valid and she'll be able to manipulate you with venting hurt later.

Ultimately, if you felt you did right then and you have peace in your heart regarding it, you must maintain your course.  Don't discuss your mother with this mutual friend.  And do all you can to let your mother know you love her as much as ever.

I'll be praying for you and your mother.

Sincerely,

Marilyn