Expert: Pastor Don Carpenter - 4/11/2007

Question
Hi, there are some elders at my church that are saying bad things about me.  They say that I only go to church because my boyfriend goes there and that I do bad adulteress things with him when we go out, but that is not true, I'm still a virgin.  I go because I help out at Sunday school.  I want to know if I should not care about what they say and ignore them or should i confront them. Please help Thanks

Answer
Hi Sarah,

Thanks for this great question.  If you know FOR SURE who has been spreading these things about you and what was said, I do believe that you must speak with these people.

Romans 14:16
16 Let not then your good be evil spoken of:
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

It may be wise to adress the entire board at once so that everything is out in the open.  When you do, here are some things to keep in mind.

1. These are elders, they are over you, you must show respect, even when confronting them on this issue.

2.  If you do not know exactly what was said, address the person and say something like " I understand that you said ...... about me, is that true?"

3.  Then ask ( for sake of your instruction, not to yell at them) "What would make you think that?  What have I done to make you believe that about me?"  At this point you may learn some things that you are doing that are being misunderstood by others.

4.  Now share scriptures.  If they said these things ABOUT you rather than addressing the issue in question WITH you, they have been involved in something called talebaring.  By the way, it is wrong to share these things with others even if they were TRUE, if the people who heard these things are not a direct part of the solution to the problem.

Leviticus 19:16
16 Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour: I am the LORD.
The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Proverbs 11:13
13 A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.  

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Proverbs 18:8
8 The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.    

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Proverbs 20:19
19 He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.  

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Proverbs 26:20-22
20 Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.    21 As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife. 22 The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.  

The King James Version, (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.

Always talk softly and with great respect.  Clearly present your points.  I trust that God will bless you as you do this.

In Christ,
Pastor Don

3.  Ask them why they would say this.