Expert: Mel and Guyna Horne - 5/4/2007

Question
QUESTION: Should i "obey" my boyfriend? Im 18  years old and we are christians and we're so in love and he thinks it's a sin if i dont obey him but i dont think it's wrong cause we're not "married" couples.What do you think? thank you...
ANSWER: Hi Michelle,

 Brief answer: ABSOLUTELY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 You are correct in understanding that there is no legal, moral, spiritual or scriptural basis for any boyfriend to have any authority over any girlfriend.
 By extension of his argument, if or when you decided that you were no longer interested in him and wanted to date no one, or to date someone else, he could forbid you and you would have no choice in the matter.
 Under his argument, he could forbid you to see your parents ever again, choose your friends for you, tell you what to wear, to never go to a doctor even if injured or sick, choose your religion for you, decide whether you work to support him or stay home pregnant and barefoot.
 
 Resorting to the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" or "Me heap big Chief, you dumb little female" basis of leadership can be merely a misunderstanding of scripture or it can be an attempt by one person to maintain control over another person.

 Even if he does have your best interests in mind, claiming an imagined authority over you indicates he has run out of logical arguments and perhaps patience, and now he is clutching at what he mistakenly perceives as "the law of God" to intimidate and force you into submission to his opinion or to fulfill his personal desires.
 Resorting to scriptures that specify "husbands" and "wives" indicates a lack of leadership skills as well as a lack of spiritual understanding.

 We are not trying to put down your boyfriend. We are simply addressing his attempt at coercion along with his mis-use of scriptures.

 Charging you with "sin" for not obeying him concerns us that perhaps whatever it is that he wants you to do is the real sin here.

 Even if what he is "commanding" you to do is in your best interests, such as "Don't do drugs", "Don't have unprotected sex", or "Don't play in the street", he should be advising you as a friend, inspiring you by his example, or convincing you by wise counsel, not commanding you because he sees you as spiritually or mentally inferior because of your gender.
 The fact that you followed the scriptural instruction to seek counsel (Pro. 11:14, 24:6) rather than just blindly follow someone else indicates that you may be more spiritually mature and knowledgeable than he is.  If he loves you, he will always have your best interests and desires in mind above his own. Love is the opposite of selfishness.
 If you want to be with someone who gives orders and forces you to obey them because of their "real" authority, join the military.  They pay you a salary, offer vacations and a retirement plan and eventually you can leave them with no regrets.
 We have much more to say on this subject but we just received your question and wanted to get back to you quickly with a brief answer and to let you know it may be tomorrow before we can give you a detailed answer to your question along with the applicable scriptures.
  Sincerely,
 Mel and Guyna


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I really thank you for your help.I would like to include that he thinks it's a shame for a woman to work and meet alot of people and friends unless he's with me.What do you think? thank you again

Answer
Hi Michelle,
   Our first thought is of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and his apparent "mental imprisonment" of her.  We are not celebrity watchers, but their situation is frequently in the news. If you are not familiar with American pop culture, please disregard this reference.

   Proverbs 31:10-30 contradicts the idea that women do not or should not work.  The woman is praised for evaluating real estate and buying it (Pro. 31:16). She runs a home-based business manufacturing linens (Pro.31:24) which has many advantages over working outside the home.  She planted a vineyard, clothes her family, feeds her family, and earns enough money to be able to give to the poor (v. 20). She makes her own deliveries to retailers (v.24) while her husband sits with the elders (the wise men) [notice that she did not marry a fool].  Her husband is not micromanaging her life or her schedule or keeping her imprisoned at home.  He does not limit her outings to being on the end of a leash like a dog.  She makes buying trips which may involve travel (like "merchants ships") (v.14).

 [Note: this chapter was written by Solomon, to whom God gave human wisdom that made him world famous for unparalleled wisdom.  He was writing about his mother, Bathsheba, wife of King David, who is the "husband" mentioned.]

 "She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." (v.26). Now how would anyone know this unless she interacts freely with the public?

 "Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates."  (v. 31).  "Gates" refers to the most public places in the city. The "wise men" (v.23) hung out there, so that people needing advice and wise counsel could easily find them.  She is not simply a trophy for her husband or a designer pet for him to enhance his own image.  She is praised for her own works, independently of her husband.

  Because she is wise, she has married a husband worthy of her, one who trusts her (v. 11).  Her husband "praises" her" (v.28).

  If he loves you, he would have your best interests at heart.  He would want you to meet lots of people in order to better understand all the different kinds of personalities and how to effectively interact with them.  He would want you to meet different men in order for you to be sure that he is the one you want to spend time with.  People who are kind, generous, unselfish, funny, intelligent, ambitious in the right way, moral, love kids, love animals, who are not criminals, substance abusers or mentally unbalanced and in need of therapy and who do share your particular interests and who are physically attractive and are physically attracted to you will appear to be somewhat rare but they are out there.  You cannot find them unless you meet a lot of people.  Every guy who is interested in you, will want to keep you a secret and keep his options open while limiting yours.
  The right guy will be someone who has some kind of plan for his life and how he is going to accomplish it.  He will want someone who is smart enough to help him and if she is smarter than he is, he will not be threatened by that.  He will not need or want a "crutch" to prop up his ego, or his income but will be confident enough that he will want a "friend", a "partner" that can help him by supplementing his weaker areas and whom he can help in her weaker areas.  He will be on a life journey to somewhere and will "invite" the right woman to accompany him. He will not be "hiring a maid, baby maker, baby sitter, cook and bottle washer", and when those things need doing, he will be willing and happy to share the load or do it all if she is unable.

  We are familiar with a number of fundamentalist religious groups that teach what your friend believes.  A husband and wife have mutual responsibilities in order of: God, each other, family, others and lastly to self.   Some organizations have used over-emphasis and under-emphasis of certain scriptures to effect an unquestioning and blind obedience of wives to their husbands and of daughters to their fathers.  The result is often an abusive situation, mental, verbal or even physical abuse.

   To explain this in detail is why we wanted to take more time to answer you.

   You have a responsibility to God and to yourself to use wisdom in choosing friends and especially boyfriends.  You have a responsibility to your future children to protect your health, and to choose a husband who will help you rear your sons to honor women, be kind to them, respect them and to cherish them.  You have a responsibility to your future daughters to choose a husband who will not abuse them in any way, such as teaching them to be doormats for men.
   If your "friend" is open minded and willing to learn how to properly treat women, not only you, but your mother, his mother, and your daughters, then perhaps there is hope for him.  However, many years of working with young people and counseling people in marriages that shouldn't have been made, has proven what we heard in college classes on human nature, that most people just do not change very much if any.
  True conversion with the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, which enables one to produce the "fruits" of righteous character as listed in Gal. 5 and Col. 3 rather than the "works" of human nature listed in those same chapters, is the only factor which can help anyone become an exception to that rule.  Those lists are a good checklist for evaluating boyfriends or girlfriends, or just friends in general.   Because the emotions involved with  physical attraction, receiving attention and infatuation which can sometimes develop into true love are all so blindingly enjoyable, we can lose sight of the realities of what another person is really like.  Too often marriage is the only cure for the emotional blindness and then it is too late to prevent the unbelievable pain and emotional suffering that results.

 You have responsibilities but as a single young woman, you also have unlimited opportunities until such time as you make choices that limit or end those opportunities.
Find a guy who wants you to grow and develop as a woman, as a person, as a friend.  Find a guy who is your best friend in every sense of the word.  If  you are also his best friend, then evaluate your future, your goals, your desires and discuss them with him and how you might have a future together.  If he wants to see you choose your own challenges and goals and to help you achieve them, then evaluate him as a prospective son-in-law for your parents, as a prospective father for your children, as a prospective member of your entire current family and a prospective new friend for all your current friends.  Evaluate all his relatives and friends because they come with the package.  Don't ignore the physical attraction as it is important.  He should make you laugh, and often.  There is a lot more, but this should help you decide whether the current friendship is worth pursuing or whether you are wasting time with the wrong person.  It can be difficult to walk away from a comfortable relationship and it is very hard to hurt someone by saying goodbye, but is so much less painful than a miserable marriage or a painful divorce that there is no comparison.
  Also, look hard at his father because, even if your friend doesn't want to, he will become his dad to a great extent, and in some cases he may become a worse example.  Look at how his dad treats his mom.  That will be your marriage in 20 years, or it may be your marriage as soon as the wedding is over.

   There are so many positive things you can do to make sure that you choose a husband who will love, honor and cherish you, that we regret having to mention all these negative aspects.  

   Paul's statements about the relationship between husbands and wives have been taken out of context by men who are too ignorant, lazy or selfish to put in the effort necessary to have a balanced, loving, and mutually respectful relationship with their wives.  It is far easier to say, "God made me boss, so shut up and do whatever I say."  That was not Paul's intent and it contradicts the teachings of Christ and the rest of the Bible.
  You still have the opportunity to make yourself into the ideal woman, the Proverbs 31 woman, praised by King Solomon and King David, unless of course you already are that kind of woman.  If you are, you would be gently and subtly re-educating your "friend" in how to properly respect women and how to treat a wife, or you would be spending your time looking for a guy like the Pro. 31 "husband".  If you choose to become the Pro. 31 woman, the prospective Pro. 31 type husbands will be lining up at your door, saying "choose me".  We know there are some out there because we have met them and they are frustrated by all the "girls" they met who  should be "women with common sense". Their words, not ours.

 We shall be happy to discuss any of this further or answer other questions.  
 If not, we still wish you the best in all your choices.
 Sincerely,
 Mel and Guyna